What’s wrong with not wanting to be bored?

Qilin swayed with each step, her eyes fixed on the door at the end of the hall. Her head felt heavy, her chest creaked, and her mind was a confusing mix of emotion and rage. Memories of another person’s life battled against her own. A life lived from another perspective, a life filled with challenges and dangers, nightmares made manifest. It seemed so exciting to her. It wasn’t fair. How could she not live that kind of life? Everything just handed to her from day one, never a chance to prove herself, never a chance to step forward on her own.

Even now, everything just gets decided for me, she thought as the guards hurried to greet her. She frowned at them, at their bland faces and their meaningless lives. Already given up on going anywhere greater than where they were now. How could anyone want that? It just didn’t make sense. Wasn’t it better to do the crazy thing? Wasn’t it better to shake the world? Maybe the world was better off gone. Maybe that guy in the memories was right. Qilin swayed as the men said words. She couldn’t even make out their faces, just flat and featureless.

It’s not fair, she thought and plucked a hair from her head before stepping past them with a flicker of movement. The fleshy chunks that remained sloughed to the ground in a heap of pooling blood. She swayed again and kept walking. She’s right, though. Destroying the world does sound interesting. I would have picked his side - it just sounds like fun. She stopped at the door and stared at it. If there’s nothing left, not even me, who’s left to feel bored? Right? It just makes sense. 

She put her hand on the door, and her lips fell down in a grimace. Why am I being punished for it? Ishtar should conquer the world, not save it! Carla Mint was in the way! Get rid of her and throw the Committee into chaos. Step in with all her connections and take over! Her wisdom was sound. No one could stop Chernovna. So why did she stop me? Why is she punishing me? I don’t understand. These memories are…

She dug her fingers into the heavy metal door and ripped it from its hinges, tossing it aside with a grunt as she staggered inside, tears streaming down her face. It’s not fair. It’s not fair! Why am I so unhappy? Why is this so hard? What did I do wrong?

She stepped into the room and stared at the screen - it looked new. Behind it, her grandmother stirred and sat up. “Song Xi? Is that you, dear?” her grandmother’s voice called.

Qilin looked down at her hands. “I’m not supposed to be here, grandmother,” she said absently, opening and closing her hands. “Someone else should be coming soon. I don’t know why I’m here.”

Her grandmother pushed through the screen and stepped out, her face flushed with exertion. She must be controlling her jade soldiers. I don’t feel any of them in the room. Her grandmother looked her up and down. “Dear, you’re not making sense. Where have you been?” She held up her hands and shook her head. “Nevermind, now that you’re here, Grandmother needs you to-”

“Grandmother,” Qilin said absently as the memories crackled through her brain again. Exhilarating, terrifying, horrifying - the end of the world playing out in her brain over and over and over. She felt a giggle rise, and it tumbled out from her lips. She cupped her head in her hands. “Grandmother, grandmother, grandmother! Boredom is the worst, right?” she asked. “That makes sense, right? Everything should be fun, right?” she asked. “Do the most interesting thing - that’s what Father said.”

Her grandmother scowled. “Sounds like my son gave you some bad advice, Song Xi,” she said with a sigh. The old woman tilted her chin up and looked down at Qilin as she sank to her knees. “The only thing you should think about is the family. Nothing else matters,” she declared and reached towards her. “Now get on your feet and help-”

SNIKT

Silence dominated the room as Qilin looked down at her grandmother’s hand twitching on the ground. She tilted her head. You’re deciding things for me too, she thought. I thought so. I hoped you’d maybe show me something different this time. She barely heard the woman screaming as she pulled herself to her feet and snapped her hands out, grabbing the woman by the face. She pulled her close and looked her in the eyes. Qilin’s eyes were burning and itching. She felt… frustrated. “Why is this so hard?” she croaked. “Why is everything so difficult?”

“Song-”

The corpse hit the ground with a last desperate squeak, and Qilin just stared at the body. “My name is Qilin,” she said tiredly and turned away. She paused and flinched. Oh no, Kerauna was supposed to kill Grandmother. I did it again!

She clutched at her head. I did it again!No, no, no! I don’t want her mad at me! Her head felt spinny. She staggered back out into the hall and turned, wide-eyed as she felt someone enter her domain. A man. She knew the man. He looked like someone she knew. Who? Where? Why?

“Qilin.”

Father’s voice?

He was standing in front of her, his frown hard. He glanced past her into the room and closed his eyes before nodding. He turned back to her. “You killed the Matriarch.”

“Uncle?” she asked, confused. “Why is it so hard?”

“Life is hard,” he said flatly.

“It wasn’t before,” she croaked.

“Didn’t you say you were bored before?” he asked quietly. She could see the wrinkles on his face, the grays of his hair. He looked so tired, but he smelled like power. Strength. He looked so relaxed. “If things are hard, didn’t you get what you wanted?”

No, that’s not right. A challenge is supposed to be fun, right? Interesting. Not scary and hard.

He gave her a pitiless look and shook his head. “You don’t understand, do you? Have you ever really used the wisdom you were given? When was the last time you actually thought about someone else, Song Xi? Do you actually even remember what my brother used to tell you? All of it? He used to say it to me all the time. It seems like you only know half.”

His accusation felt like a slap to the face. She wanted to strike him, to hate him, but all she could see in her head was Ishtar’s furious gaze, the accusations thrown at her feet. The stabs at her true nature as if her entire soul had already been laid bare. The loyalty she felt, the desire to see her succeed - who was it actually for? For me? Not her? She felt… raw. She clenched at her arms and squeezed them. It was so easy to play at being wise. It was so easy to pretend she was strong. It was so easy to give everyone the wrong impression with what little of her power she actually used. The other way had been so boring before - no, it had been uncomfortable. She had only done it once. She hated it, the things she thought and felt when it happened.

“You pathetic child,” her uncle grunted and turned away.

She wanted to kill him but didn’t. Hesitation stayed her hand as he walked back down the hall and disappeared from sight. She tugged at her hair. Why? I don’t get it. I don’t want to-

She froze.

I don’t want to? I don’t want to understand? She furrowed her brows and swayed on her feet. Why? Because it’s more fun not to? But… 

The storm roiled overhead, and she looked up at the ceiling. She felt him. Distant. She knew what he had done in the previous timeline. She knew the kind of man he was. He should have been more interesting because of it, but she just felt nothing. Something itched at the back of her mind, and she followed it. It led her back to an image she had only seen once. The first day she’d awakened her powers. The only time she’d taken her true form. Instinct? What am I missing? Why don’t I understand? I need to know, even if it's horrible. I need to know why she hates me so much.

Qilin changed.

She planted her hooves on the ground and leaned forward, her twisted horns rising from her head. She felt power surge through her limbs, a might incomparable to her first experience. Next came that awful feeling in her heart. She knew what it was, but she didn’t want to think the word. It was so hard, so unfair. Everything was supposed to be easy. But that wasn’t what she wanted. Was it?

Clarity.

Qilin’s Wisdom pushed the fog away. Pushed the madness away. Pushed the selfishness away. Pushed the boredom away. She lowered her head in shame as she stood there in all her glory within that bloody, stinking hallway. Madness had led her back to the beginning to take a form that gave her so much pain. A clear head and an open heart. She hated it, but she needed to know herself without any reservation.

You are selfish, Qilin. You forced your feelings onto others when it suited you and ignored them when it did not entertain you. You chafe at others deciding for you, chafe at your ability paving your way, but without asking you interfere in someone else’s path. You are cruel, Qilin. What lover would not come to the defense of their partner? You look at another’s pain and rage and turn away, taking it as an affront to you. You are apathetic, Qilin. All the lives you could save, the wonders you could work, and you waste it. 

She shuddered against the pressure in her own mind as self-awareness came down upon her like an avalanche. She reeled. What is good? What is evil? She paused. Am I evil? Yes. I am. Evil without purpose, cruelty without goal, producing nothing from my wickedness except my own shallow entertainment. I…

“CHERNOVNAAAAAAAA!”

She looked up at the ceiling again and heard a voice that made her feel like a little girl again.

“Do the most interesting thing possible, Little Xi. Never settle for boredom. After all, the hardest thing in the world is...”

The storm above shook the building, and she made a decision. It was the most interesting one she could think of.

–

First Wind was in Shanghai in moments, the sound barrier crashing around him as he soared through the sky towards his target. Everything was rage. He needed to destroy that bitch and this entire city for crossing him. No one got away with it, and he would make sure the world knew better than to try it again. A scent crossed his senses, and he pulled up short, narrowing his eyes and sneering in the direction of the creature standing in the air along his path.

“Qilin,” he said flatly. “You too, huh?”

She looked like something between a reptile, a stag, and a horse. Two twisted horns jutted out of the top of her narrow head as her pale white fur, tinted with green, glowed dimly in the shadows cast by his clouds. He clicked his tongue and crossed his arms when she didn’t speak right away. “Gotta say, I’m not liking the new look. Fugly if you ask me,” he spat and conjured up a few rings of wind around his fingers. “You looked better the other way.”

She shook her head, her mane flapping about.

He scowled. “What? No quippy one-liner? No insult? Nothing? Not gonna make a crack about my intellect?”

“I know you’re smart,” she said finally. “Brilliant, even. It is a shame you use it the way you do.”

He snorted. “Says the bitch who used her powers to keep bouncing on my lap a week ago,” he said with a laugh and tapped the side of his head. “Don’t think I missed it.”

She sighed. “Surly as always, Barbarian. Misogyny is such a pathetic trait.”

“There’s the Qilin I know,” he said with a chuckle, and the rings moved from his hands to turn into disks of wind that compressed into blades around him. “So how are we doing this? You know you can’t win, right? I’m close to something big, and you’re just the thing I need to-”

“I am not here to beat you, only delay you a bit longer,” she said with a sigh.

He furrowed his brows. The fuck? Selfish Qilin? “What are you talking-”

She was behind him before he could even react, her hooves driving into his back as his wind scattered around him. He gasped as the brutal kick drove all the air out of his lungs and sent him hurtling forward. This bit- She was in front of him again, her glowing eyes streaked with tears as she tilted her head up and bellowed. Light crashed into him like a physical wave. He grunted and pulled himself into a spin, flashing down and away from the cascade of light. A crack of sound followed, and he blasted in her direction.

She swept her head to the right, and a glint caught his eye. He surrounded himself with razor wind as a cocoon of lethal threads collapsed in on him. He sneered. Barely using her powers. He blasted past the ripped threads and snapped his hand out, grabbing hold of her throat as she tried to flicker away again. He squeezed. “See! This is your problem! You’ve always been so fucking lazy, you goddamn wombat. No talent whatsoever. Just a power that gives you everything you ever wanted.”

She met his eyes with those bright silver orbs in her head. Was she… crying? “Yes, you’re right,” she choked.

He sneered. “This funny form of yours clear that messed-up head you got?” he asked, barking out a laugh. “Too little, too late, sheila. You lose. You never stood a chance, all the world handed to you, and for what? To die without even putting up a fight.”

“A Qilin is supposed to be benevolent,” she wheezed. “We don’t hurt people.”

“Say that to all the corpses you’ve left behind,” he bit out and created a blade of wind over his hand. “At least I’m not pretending anymore. I’m done playing nice for people.”

“Neither… am I…” she forced out. “I want a real challenge.”

He scowled, his hand pausing. Eh? “A real challenge? What the fuck could be harder than fighting me?” he demanded. This was insulting. What the hell happened to this bitch that she was just flopping about? She used to be a monster. “Spit it out!”

“The hardest thing in the world,” she croaked. “Doing the right thing,” she chuckled, “For once. Isn’t that… interesting?” She laughed as she began to glow.

Something in his gut told him he did not want her finishing whatever she was about to do. He swung his arm down, and her mane exploded around her, hairs wrapping around his limbs and holding him in place. He snarled and cut through them, but they just grew back again. He fought through every centimeter as he tried to reach her fugly ass head. Oh, this bitch needs to die right now! he thought frantically. Don’t you fucking dare!

“I chose to seal away my fortune,” she said as he fought through her defenses. “But I can still do one thing with your luck!”

His razor wind scattered beneath another flash of light, and he punched through her hair, grabbing hold of her maw. “Shut the fuck up!” he roared, panic rising as something began to burn on his chest. Fine! He snarled and grabbed hold of the air in her lungs. Die then!

He pulled.

Pain exploded in his chest as she went limp and hurtled to the ground. His entire world went white for a heartbeat, and gravity took over. When he came to, he was feet from becoming a smear. He stopped himself and landed, breathing hard as he tore his t-shirt open and looked down at his chest. A mark was burned into his skin. He swore and whipped his head around, looking for her. He found her crumpled atop a car, her animal body broken.

He floated over to her and watched her for a heartbeat. She wasn’t breathing.

He raised a hand to finish it before lowering it with a scoff. I’ve wasted enough time, she’s dead, no doubt, he thought and turned away. I’m coming for you, Chernovna.

–

Everything hurt. It hurt so much. Yet Qilin felt that wonderful strangeness again even as her body returned to its normal form. The wisdom didn’t leave her. She felt… relieved. She felt satisfied. She’d done something more interesting than helping end the world or take it over. She’d done something more interesting than anything anyone else could ever tell her to do. She’d made a decision for herself: she chose, she chose all on her own.

Her head felt so clear. It was awful and wonderful. 

Sometimes, excitement was not everything. Sometimes, life was hard. Sometimes, you had to face who you were and who you could be and make the choice not to be that person, no matter how difficult it was. If she could hear her question one more time, be asked one more time, she would have a different answer. Not shameful silence, but a firm ‘No.’ Perhaps before, she would have taken his side. Even an hour ago, she would have. But now? She would have rejected him. Rejected his ending. Life was far more exciting than watching it all end. Life meant endless challenges and hardships. Life was beautiful.

I’m not bored anymore. This is nice, she thought as her eyes fluttered shut. She smiled peacefully while the world churned around her. Somewhere, far away but also right at her feet, she heard her name called out from across the border. She took a step and followed it.