CHAPTER 271: CHAPTER 271 - HONESTY WHICH HIDES HYPOCRISY (VICE VERSA)

"Fine. Maybe I’ve... met some good people. I wasn’t going out of my way to do so. It doesn’t mean anything."

"Doesn’t it?"

The old man pulled out a small thermos, opening the top and pouring out a half a cup of strong, black coffee into its top lid. He sipped on it for a while as I just watched, waiting for him to continue.

I know he is trying to get me to think it through myself, but my rebellion is spiking now that I’ve realized I’m treating him like a loved family member. Because I don’t really know how to do regular with... family anymore.

"You know, there’s a difference between being needed by people and being invited to see them."

"What do you mean?"

"Being needed is easy - any crisis they are in will do. Someone needs a ride somewhere, needs help with a thesis, needs a place to crash after drinking too much... "

He raised his cup in the air in what I take to be the ’toast’ or ’cheers’ gesture in this world. Maybe telling him about the older woman that lives in his apartment complex sleeping off her night wasn’t really... needed.

Sorry, Anise. If he knows who you are by any of the clues I mentioned...

"But someone saying they want your company, not your usefulness? That’s being invited in my book."

"And you are saying the difference between the type of people matters?"

"Of course it does. The difference is trust."

Well, that’s not something I tend to have a lot of in people... beyond their tendency to ’need’. He leaned back against the bench and let the beams of morning sunlight fall more evenly on his face.

But I leaned further forward, all but hanging over my knees as I tilted my head upward. Again, I feel like a child listening to a storyteller!

"When you invite someone into your life - really invite them, not just accept their help when you ask for it - you’re trusting them to see you even when you’re not performing."

"Performing?"

"I mean when you struggle and you show it. When you’re grumpy in the morning. Or when you’re openly worried about something you know they can’t fix. Or when you don’t have all the answers and you tell them."

"...That sounds terrifying."

And all of it too familiar. I most definitely did not invite the Beta to see me grumpy. Then again, I have not been... openly...

I pause and think back, at how I somewhat spoke openly to Anise quite a few times already. I’ve also very much admitted to Kyrie that I do not know what I’m doing with the Apocalypse System.

"It is. But it’s also the only way to build something real with people. Otherwise, you’re just meeting up with people who need things from you, or who you need things from. While taking tally of the transactions."

He chuckled, but it wasn’t quite as warm as it usually was. Not that it made the wisdom of what he said next any less important... just more poignant.

"Until one of you comes out on top and the other is left feeling like the loser in the relationship. Or what had become of it."

I was quiet for a long while after that. Just sitting up and watching the early morning commuters hurried past us.

A bus came and stopped, but I shook my head at the driver to let him know we wouldn’t be boarding. Then I kept shaking my head to myself slowly. Trying to convince the hope inside not to open my mouth and ask anything else.

"What if they leave when they realize I’m... not what they thought I was? What if they tally up and I’m over their limit?"

"Then they were never worth inviting into your life in the first place. But they are the ones missing out. Because they then lost all that you had to give back when you were able. Or they were blind toward what should have counted."

His voice was so gentle but incredibly firm. Strength of experience and conviction. From someone much older than myself. Someone who should be far more jaded and cynical.

Somehow the advice from a widower who has lost their loved one is a lot different from a person who claims to still be in a happy, existing relationship. I can only look at the latter as just not having come to its natural end.

But it’s a lot harder to make myself tell one bereaved that his wife would have lost their love for him at some point, should they have both been immortal. Because then it feels like I’m just vicious.

"Real connection isn’t built on being perfect. It’s built on being honest."

Stomping on Vrika’s tail as I pace through the mindscape, I let its annoyed and angry howls fill my head so that I don’t have to think so hard about anything else. I reached over and placed my hand on his arm, letting the medical scan do its thing.

"Then I should honestly tell you that I respect what you believe, think that it is beautiful and ideal... and also admit that I find myself personally unable to be so upbeat."

| TARGET: Edgar Miles |

| SPECIES: Human |

| VITALS: Elevated Blood Pressure, Blind |

| BLINDNESS NOTES: Optical Nerve Damaged By Glaucoma |

The information fills my vision and I blink it away, even as I take it in.

"Because I do not like how I feel when I am tossed aside. So, I’ve found it best to live as... one of the tallier’s, you could say."

| ANNEXATION SUCCESS! |

"And for the foreseeable future, I do not exactly think I will be able to change. But thank you. For being here. For listening."

"Of course."

Standing to my feet, I take a single step and stop. I have to say, part of me thought he might... lecture more. Instead of just hearing me out even on this and letting me go.

It feels like I’ve incurred a debt. Not just for taking him as part of my pack without asking... but from just spending time with him. Therefore, I will be antsy until I can repay.

So it’s best not to wait.

"Is your blood pressure often high? Do you take medication?"

"Not in years. Why?"

"...I’m a worrier as well as a tallier, I suppose. Perhaps you should consider having a check-up?"

Without looking back to see how he reacted, I keep walking. Until I disappear down the nearest alley and start to run. Though when I begin to do so, I did not plan where...