We lasted something like twenty minutes before someone broke the rule. Which was hilarious, disappointing, and completely foreseen. Who could have known that of the nineteen of us, one of us would disregard the stricture against opening or closing doors? My mom, for one.

“I give you all an hour,” she muttered.

Everybody got comfortable, with Larelle dropping the Magmamander in the huge kitchen that was about to become my main laboratory, and Larelle posting up a vigil over our three new Wizards.

All the others sorted out their bedrooms, leaving me with a large master bedroom and my mother door. All the other girls jockeyed for position by playing rock, paper, scissors to see who would get the adjoining bedrooms or the nicer rooms.

Some of the windows in each room had been shuttered, while others were wide open. This made no sense, but Ivy and Isabelle made the rounds in the hallway to let everyone know the rules.

In a hilarious turn, Azalea nearly got into a fight over which of them would be sleeping in my room. I say fight, but it was mostly Vellenia politely laughing off Azalea’s increasingly irate declarations. Neither were big, but the poison aspect got on tip toes, fists clenched and shaking, while Vellenia gave cheerful, chuckling, well-reasoned arguments one after another. Finally, Vellenia used a fairy ability to simply create harmony, and Azalea sat on the floor of my room in a daze.

All the rooms were a wildly different set of bedrooms, in terms of size, style, building materials, and furnishings. Some were elaborate, while others looked like someone had tried to turn a cupboard under the stairs into a bedroom, perhaps to punish someone for the crime of existing. This meant a complicated game of room picking based on rock scissor paper, followed by preferences and needs. I told them I didn’t want anything special, but ended up with someone’s master bedroom, four poster bed and all. It was one of those rich canopy beds from a period drama. The whole thing was elaborately carved, stained and shellacked. It was big enough to hold a picnic on. Which, upon reflection, was probably why I was given the honor. I smiled and mentally rubbed my hands together, imagining a sweaty tangle of naked bodies within. Soon though, not now.

A baby watch schedule was set up, which allowed Tara the luxury of raising her child in a village, like she wanted. She’d been a caretaker cousin plenty of times, and went by the maxim ‘many hands make light work.’

And after a long day of travel, I fully intended to take a full day of to do just about nothing. I say ‘nothing’ but that meant planting seeds, watering them, and sticking the signs down next to them. Of all the things I’d expected to do when coming to a magical world of cute monsters, getting down in the dirt and watching trees visibly grow was not one of them.

I didn’t get to start, because somebody went and broke the rule.

I’d thought Oxnard de la Crucifix was being overbearing and overprotective when he shrieked for us to follow the one rule, but it turned out the rule was in place for a reason.

It was Isabelle.

She went into her chosen bedroom, decided it wasn’t getting enough air, and wrenched open the shutters.

There was no large body of water outside the second floor of Ivy and Izzy’s room. No lake, no river, no waterfall. So you can imagine her surprise when an entire river’s worth of water pelted her in the face and onto the floor, then slid her right out of the room. And that was how it started.

Pandemonium ensued, but a funny and panicked kind of pandemonium. Everybody scrambled to know where the baby was and if she was okay. Then they started to freak out about what was going on upstairs, why water was dripping down into the meeting room downstairs, what the heck was going on…

I sighed at the screaming and went to investigate. What I found was Larelle, Isabelle, and Ivy all huge and holding shields against the window, drenched.

“Help us!”

Alan, Dakota and the other two Wizards were in discussion about which spell they would use, when Vellenia pranced into the room.

One, she had an ability that allowed her to skate over the surface of the water as if it were ice. And she didn’t just skate over there, but did a series of graceful pirouettes and twirls on one foot, then the other. While the Guardians shoved ineffectually against the rushing water, and the Wizards debated, she looped around the room at knee level, did a triple lutz, and skated back over toward me.

“My dear!” I yelled over the rushing torrent.

“Hmm?”

“We need to stop the water coming in!”

“Oh!” Her expression became serious, and she soon held out two hands. Ivy, Izzy and Larelle all thudded against the wall and the block of water that now stood wavering in the window.

“I can only hold the water at bay, dear heart,” she said cheerfully, though I could hear the strain in her voice.

“Shut the window!” And then before anyone moved, I used the basic Telekinesis spell to close the shutters. A huge Ivy reached up and latched them for good.

“Well!” Vellenia chirped, in a tone of utter delight, and clapped. The water had already rushed out of the room, but now it puddled around her feet. She began humming, and all the water drew itself out of everything in the room and into a larger and larger ball surrounding Vellenia.

She moved down the hall and out of sight, and the water ball came with her, leaving everything in Ivy’s room only slightly damp.

All of us watched her go in silence, and then listened to her humming as well. Even after that faded away, we just looked at one another.

“We will be taking the no opening and no shutting rule seriously, now, won’t we?” I asked.

“Yes,” came the chorus of replies.

“I don’t care whose fault this is—“

“It’s mine!” Isabelle said from her place on the floor, raising her hand and no other part of her body. “I did it, I’m guilty, I’m sorry.”

“You,” I said, “are adorable. We’ll chalk it up to an honest mistake.”

“Thank you!” she said, still face down on the floor.

Afterwards we had a meeting about what everybody would be doing. Each of the Wizards were tasked accompanying a Guardian. Their job was to head out into the city to interview people and see how they were being affected by this god situation. It seemed like the God of Doors was manifesting doors where they shouldn’t be, leading doors and windows to the wrong places, and creating chaos in so doing.

Oxnard Widdershins Whatever Whatever returned later to explain after the Wizards had already done so. He explained with more frowns, explosions of shouting and finger pointing.

None of the doors connected to the rooms they were supposed to. After weeks of wearing the wrong clothes and being forced to sleep in the wrong beds, being in the wrong part of the city and far from their jobs, they had finally given up and just left all the doors open. They’d sleep in whatever room ended up in their original home building. Exceptions had to be made, for fire aspects or electric aspects who threatened to burn down their new bedrooms. Complaints came in by the thousands. Elaborate committees needed to be set up and surveys taken so people could get access to clothes that fit them or wouldn’t burn off their bodies.

“And this is why we follow the RULES!” the mayor of the wonderful name proclaimed. “You haven’t been breaking the ONE RULE I laid down, have you? My mother would be APOPLECTIC with rage.”

“We are doing our best,” I said.

And we retired for the day.

***

I summoned Isabelle and Ivy out to dinner the following day. The engine of the DRC was now up and running: Wizards poring through the clay tablets Alan had, with Alan acting as den mother and Azalea keeping an eye out, Regina out searching for the sick god with Tweedle Dee, my mother playing grandmother, Larelle put in charge of keeping the area secure, and Vellenia tending the garden. Everyone was of course free to take on baby duty at any time, wherever. This happened with Vellenia in the garden, out on Airaconda with Regina and Dee and Tara, or in the place where the Wizards were researching our newest cure.

This room we were calling the Archive. It held books, scrolls in those criss-crossing cubbies, big book stands where you could stand up and read in the best light available, scroll stands with little cranks so you could literally scroll up or down, and last but not least, unbelievably padded sofas, loveseats and fainting couches.

I had spent part of my day with Vellenia, cheerfully chatting while we gardened. I’d spend part of it with Regina, feeling out the divinity levels in the streets, and part of the day with the Wizards, looking up the God of Doors in the archives.

I didn’t want to smash all the clay tablets once Alan or the other Wizards enlarged them, but I had grown up playing a game where every clay pot in existence was going to end up destroyed, and that was that. These things were so thin and delicate I wanted to break them into teeny tiny pieces. Which I did not to, as much as I might have wanted to.

It was only two hours, but we’d already removed well over half of the huge archive of shrunken clay tablets.

“Why did you choose to be a Healer?” Dakota asked.

“My mother has cancer.”

“That’s it? You wanted to come here and learn how to heal because from the very first instance, you considered the possibility of bringing her here to find a magical cure for her cancer? From the outset?”

“That seems highly unlikely,” another of the Wizards asked.

“I knew that things were broken and I wanted to fix them,” I said. “And yeah, if I’m being honest, the moment I chose my class I thought I would want to bring her through the portal and magic the cancer right out of her.”

“T-t-tell them a-a-a-a-about the Goddess, of the M-m-m-m-meadow.”

All three of them always paused to let Alan speak.

“Oh! That.” I shrugged. “I nearly died on the first day I was here because I touched a sick god. Goddess.”

“Indicating you had firsthand experience with the danger and the illness.”

“I was really lucky,” I told them. “Rainer was already on his way, already had a cure cooked up, and just had to administer it. I ended up with a boon.”

“Excuse me,” the third Wizard asked. “What does that mean? What is a boon?”

“You don’t know?”

The third Wizard seemed annoyed at the question. “I wouldn’t have asked a question I already knew the answer to.”

“A boon,” I said, sailing right past that, “is a divine gift. It can be an item, a character sheet upgrade, or just a permanent bonus.”

“F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f… frickenf-f-f-f-f-frack!” Alan spat. “He’s got half a d-d-dozen boons.” Indicating me.

Three pairs of inquisitive eyes turned my way.

I quickly and quietly informed them that I could identify any flower due to the Goddess of the Meadow, I had a pair of shoes that made travel no problem ever, I had the right tool for the job at literally all times, I had a piece of clothing that could morph into anything, and also granted Divine resistance. And, most recently, I gained the ability to impregnate any creature I came across.

For now, I left out that last little tidbit for obvious reasons. The first of which being that I wasn’t sure I was looking to impregnate every creature I came across.

“I’ve got to go,” I said. “I’ve got to have a dinner.”

Alan bid me farewell in typical stuttering fashion, and the three Wizards did likewise.

Instead, the two lovebirds and I walked through the one house-covered candy bar staring at all the other ones nearby. It was a complicated and ever-shifting dance going on, and we had no idea which was which. All we knew was that certain blocks were more stuffed with restaurants than others, or market areas, or warehouses. Some were almost entirely residential, while several had sprawling parks that totally ignored gravity.

“What did you two have to deal with, with Buckley’s team?”

Ivy shrugged and scratched at her newly-shaven head. “They knew we were a couple so they tried to play the torture game, but everybody was refusing to do it because there was no torture order. Only Reese was willing to go through with it. We reminded Buckley he didn’t have a Healer.”

“It was fine,” Isabelle said, and squeezed Ivy’s hand. “We’ve been through a lot. But that Ranger guy was an ass. He beat up Ivy once, pretty bad. She just kept laughing at him.”

Ivy leaned in and gave her a kiss. “I will do anything for you.”

“It was so romantic,” Izzy breathed, and the two started making out.

We entered the restaurant a few minutes later and had a seat. I wasn’t sure what to expect out of a Nakamamon restaurant, but I was glad one existed.

The waitress was a willowy being. Literally, like a willow tree with a face, the hair hanging down over most of her body. She parted her hair to show glowing green eyes, staring at us in confusion.

“I… am not certain we have the correct menu for humans.”

“How many menus are there?” I asked.

“We have menus for each aspect.”

“Let’s have a look at the beast menu, and the plant aspect menu please.” What we were given was a block of wood inscribed with words, and also carved with amazing depictions. Not carved… shaped by a plant aspect to look just like the food we were about to eat.

We eventually settled on a salad that appeared appetizing, and another thing that appeared to be meat of some kind. We were told it was grown straight out of the ground, and it was a type of nut.

Ivy just shrugged, tried it, and instantly proclaimed it a damn good steak.

Isabelle just giggled.

“What?” Ivy asked.

“You love nuts so much,” she said.

“I love Fletcher’s nuts, but I mean, mostly his dick.”

I had to laugh. Thankfully we weren’t near many of the patrons.

“She has been talking about your dick almost nonstop,” Izzy confessed.

“What? I like it.” She reached over and stroked Isabelle’s face. “I like you way more though.” Another kiss followed, with a short make out session right on its heels.

“I like you way more than dick too,” Izzy laughed. “Way, way more. Ugh, if only I had a big ole dick, I would pound the hecky Becky out of you.” The two of us stared at her until she rolled her eyes. “Come on, you know it’s true.”

“There are things that you say are true, and things that are totally inappropriate to say,” Ivy laughed. “And the Venn diagram of those is just a perfect ring.”

Isabelle looked at me and arched an eyebrow. “We know what ring Fletcher’s thinking about.”

Ivy froze. “You are wicked.”

Isabelle leaned forward and got a piece of steak, feeding it to Ivy. “If I had a cock, I’d wreck your tight little ring in a heartbeat. It wouldn’t even matter what size it was.” She froze. “Is the waitress right behind me or something?”

“No!” Ivy blurted, and now got the attention of everyone in the restaurant. “You’re just not supposed to talk like that in public, let alone in front of Fletcher.”

“What? I thought you were super horny for him.”

“I am,” Ivy hissed. “That doesn’t mean we talk about it in a crowded restaurant, love of my life, dearest heart, sweetest boo.”

Isabelle looked embarrassed, glancing around like Drat might be lurking right behind her, or in every shadow or corner of the building.

“On the other hand,” Ivy said, and laid a hand over Izzy’s. “You are turning me on.”

Isabelle brightened.

“You do know about the skill I have, don’t you?” I asked them quietly.

“What are you talking about?”

“The one that gives my partners some of my Pleasure Seeker skills.”

A hush settled over the table, with Ivy and Isabelle both frozen with forks inches from their mouths, attempting to comprehend what I’d told them.

Isabelle slowly put her knife and fork down, dabbed her face with her napkin, and turned to the waiter. “How do I say ‘check please’ on this world?”

This is Christopher having his indecent proposal accepted.