CHAPTER 84: EMOTIONS

There was one little thing about this whole situation that he needed to do even if he didn’t want to... he needed to push away everything he feels or not, push away his perception and understanding of life and death, on the understanding of everything... and became somebody who he is not.

He needed to be somebody who knows how to apologize, who understands the bad about the situation and regrets his choices.

Yeah, he needed to act, to be a great actor even if it would be obvious, but he needed to change a bit, he needed to show a side that he was back at his childhood, and the reason for it was simple, yet so complicated.

The mafia is a palace that’s just filled with people from the past that is terrifying, it’s filled with people who kill without thinking, who kill without any regret, just like him... but the thing is he knew that his mafia, the Cassian family that Pablo built up over the years, are not like that.

It just became more obvious right now, Hana and Amine’s emotions are merging in this... not just that, but even Pablo acted in a way that was a bit strange to him.

Joseph saw that little flicker in Pablo’s eyes, the same one when he shot at the woman in the park, when he killed Hibeer and the others. Yeah, he still had that human behavior too, those instincts that hadn’t faded, despite his terrible past... and the only one who didn’t have anything like that was Joseph himself.

And it is dangerous for one reason.

A mafia operates mainly on hope... even if it outrages to think so. The whole structure of the mafia is built upon hope, and the hope is for the people, people who choose the underworld and choose a family to fight for... but nobody would choose a family that is led by an unstable motherfucker, because there are examples of what happened to those kinds of people.

Usually, a Don like Joseph is, someone like he’s described to Hana back at the house, they are killing their own, they’re throwing them away because the only goal to them is the money, they do not care about their own men and women, but what comes with it, power, fame, and the money... and one more thing that can shatter all of it.

Trust issues, betrayal, and fear.

Yeah, if your own men fear you, then you are fucked, because they won’t feel safe around you, they won’t be able to do their jobs right. They know, or at least believe, that if they mess up even once, they are going to die. And when you lead like that, you are not really leading.

You are only counting the days until someone gets brave enough to put a knife in your back.

Fear works in the short term, it keeps people in line for a while, but it destroys them slowly. Men start to think of escape instead of the job, they start to whisper in corners, and the first time they see a chance to save themselves, they take it. That’s how whole families fall apart not because of enemies outside, but because of cracks inside.

Joseph knows this well. He grew up seeing how Dons ruled, how they killed their own soldiers to prove a point, and how those same soldiers ended up betraying them later. He learned early that fear is a weak weapon, it shines strong at first but fades faster than you think.

Respect lasts longer, loyalty lasts longer, and trust is the one thing money can’t buy... but he trusts no one in the fucking world... that’s why Joseph is different, or at least his approach to the whole family will be different.

He understands the truth, the real danger isn’t always the enemies, the DSA, or the politicians. The real danger is your own, and if you don’t give that man a reason to stay, then one day he will be the one who ends it all. He knows that the moment fear overpowers emotions, it creates opportunity for everything to collapse, and no pile of money, no fancy cars, no grand houses will save you from the very people who once swore to protect you.

That’s exactly what happened with his father, their fear overpowered everything in them, and they dragged Joseph into the mess. That’s what happened to Don Ziro back in the day, when he killed thirty men on his own, only to watch his family burn the next week.

Fear is stronger than loyalty, and betrayal is always waiting around the corner.

And now he needed to do something about it, fast, because Amine and Hana looked exactly like people who were starting to doubt everything in him.

Why did they choose this? Why didn’t they listen to the stories about this fuck ass Cassian and his craziness?

Yeah.. all because he stabbed a teenager...

How funny is that... that the breaking point could be something you’d never even think about. It could be the smallest thing, the dumbest thing, or something you didn’t even pay much attention to.

Fear, that’s it. They were hitmen, killers, but in every field, there’s always someone more messed up than you. There’s always somebody who tops the game... and they just didn’t believe it until now.

It was absurd, the low voice of his, the calmness with which he did it, the way he carried it out... and, to be honest, they were right on their own.

They were bodyguards, and not hitmen anymore, they weren’t soldiers either. They are there to protect Joseph at the house, to protect the house itself from people who could attack them... and those people are grown ass men, not teenagers, not children.

Still, it is just funny to think about that this... they choose their morality over their actions... in a world where morality means nothing but a fucking joke.

Though he needs to do something about it. Hana and Amine are gorgeous women, fuckable ones, though again he knows he can’t fuck them, but it’s good to have baddies around you. And second, they are skilled women, and he knows he ended skilled people in his family. He needs to not be tough on himself, because the world has changed through the 10 years, he needs to adapt to it... he needs to change from that caveman person to a man... more like act on it to get their trust... yeah, he doesn’t need to trust them, they need to trust him... somehow.

"Hana, tell me how you feel." He said as he sat down on the bench on the side, just calmly crossing his legs and looking up at Hana, who was visibly still flustered or more like stressed.

She was playing with her hand and didn’t even look up at Joseph... and that’s when he started to realize that this whole problem was deeper-rooted than he had imagined.

"It... it just brought up bad memories." She whispered as she finally looked into Joseph’s eyes, and yeah, he was right...

"And you, Amine?" He looked at her, which she just nodded to.

Memories... fuck me... he thought, as he knew that if it came from something that happened in the past, it had to be something traumatic from their teenage years. And they were not like him, they couldn’t just act on the past and move on, to use it as power to move forward.

"You saw a teenager die, Hana?" He asked again, but now his voice, once again, was different, it was comforting, giving warmth to Hana, encouraging her to open up about it.

"My childhood friends... they all died young." She said, her voice breaking in the middle of the sentence.

Now the circle was full. The answer was there... it was a trauma, and that’s why she looked that way, that desperation in her eyes... because she saw something back then. She saw her friend die at an age that’s just terrible to think about, a trauma that stayed with her whole life... and now Joseph could piece it all together.

Hana became a hitman... and the reason for it, in his mind, was obvious. She did it because her friend died in a way that wasn’t an accident, but something deeper, something more haunting.

Now Joseph wasn’t surprised at all why she was looking that way. A traumatic... painful memory just surfaced back up. It wasn’t disappointment in her eyes, but more like the harsh reality she had once lived through... seeing her friend on the ground, bleeding at such a young age.

Yeah, it wasn’t morality... but the memories and the trauma that came with seeing Rio.

Pablo... why the fuck do you hire women... he thought, letting himself get angry about it and of course, he did. They’re supposed to protect him, and their fucking emotions took over, controlling them... in a situation where he could have been stabbed... he could have died.