“Yes, but she can’t go out, can she?”

    He doesn’t say it, but I know what he means. Because of you.Advertisement

    Because of me, Mum is hanging around at home, worrying and reading the Daily Mail. Because of me, Mum looks all tense and tired instead of shiny and happy.

    “She should work. She likes work.”

    Frank shrugs. “Well. I expect she will. You know…”

    And again, the unspoken hangs in the air: When you get better.

    “I’ll go and get the grapes,” he says, and ambles out of the kitchen. And I sit, staring at my blurry reflection in the stainless steel fridge. When I get better. Well then. It’s up to me to get better.

    MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY—FILM TRANSCRIPT

    INTERIOR. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY

    Dad is making a call at his desk in the study.

    DAD

    (into phone)

    Yes. Yup. I’ll check that. (He taps at the computer.) OK, I’ve got it up now.

    Frank barges into the room without knocking.

    FRANK

    Dad, I need to look something up for my geography homework.

    DAD

    You’ll have to do it later.

    Sorry, Mark—

    FRANK

    But I can’t do my homework till I look this up.

    DAD

    Frank, do it later.

    Frank looks at him, wide-eyed.

    FRANK

    You always tell me to prioritize my homework. You always say, “Don’t put off your homework, Frank.” But now you’re telling me to put off my homework. I mean, isn’t that mixed messages? Aren’t parents supposed to be consistent?

    DAD

    Fine. Look it up. Mark, I’ll call you back.

    He gives way to Frank at the computer. Frank taps a few times, looks at a website, and scribbles something down.

    FRANK

    Thanks.

    As Frank leaves, Dad redials and summons up his document on the computer.

    DAD

    Sorry, Mark. So, as I was saying, these figures really don’t make sense—

    He stops as Frank comes in again.

    FRANK

    I need to look up the population of Uruguay.

    Dad puts his hand over the phone.

    DAD

    What?

    FRANK

    Uruguay. Population.

    Dad stares at him, exasperated.

    DAD

    Is this really essential right now?

    Frank looks hurt.

    FRANK

    It’s for my homework, Dad. You always say, what I do at school will affect my whole life. I mean I would do it on my own computer, but…well.

    (He looks sombrely at the floor.)

    That was Mum’s decision. We’ll never know why she did what she did.

    DAD

    Frank—

    FRANK

    No, it’s OK. If you want to put your phone call above my education then that’s your decision.

    DAD

    Fine. Look it up. (He gets up.) Mark, we’ll have to do this much later. Sorry.

    FRANK

    (at the computer)

    It should be on histories…

    He summons up a page entitled Financing Your Alfa Romeo.

    FRANK

    Wow, Dad. Are you buying an Alfa Romeo? Does Mum know?

    DAD

    That is private. That is nothing—

    He breaks off as he sees Frank tapping at the keyboard.

    DAD

    Frank, what are you doing? What’s happened to my screen?

    Dad’s bland, seaside wallpaper has been replaced by a leering graphic character from LOC.

    FRANK

    You needed a new wallpaper. Your one was rank. Now we need some new sound settings…

    He clicks the mouse and Boomshakalaka blasts from the computer.

    Dad completely loses it.

    DAD

    Stop that! That is my computer…(He gets up and stalks to the door.) Anne? Anne?

    MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY—FILM TRANSCRIPT

    INTERIOR. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY.

    From the door of the kitchen, we can see Dad and Mum, having a low-pitched fight.

    DAD

    He needs his own computer. We can’t share anymore. I’ll end up murdering him.

    MUM

    He does not need a computer!

    DAD

    He needs it for his homework. All the kids do.

    MUM

    Rubbish.

    DAD

    It’s not! You know they take notes on laptops these days? They don’t even know what pens are for. They think they’re styluses which are somehow leaking a weird substance. I mean, they can’t write anymore. Forget writing.

    MUM

    What are you saying? That children need computers? That it’s physically impossible to learn anything without a computer? What about books? What about libraries?

    DAD

    When did you last go to a library? They’re full of computers. That’s how people learn these days.

    MUM

    (outraged)

    Are you telling me that in the African scrubland, children can’t learn to read unless they have a computer? Are you telling me that?