Book 4: Chapter 40: Swollen

    I was having a wonderful morning. I had only been awake for just over an hour, and already I had managed to take part in a plethora of weird and whacky activities. I’d watched someone put a lobster in lobster-prison;I’d relived the time I gave a king an ultimatum; and I’d pretended, before a crowd of newly awakened cultivators, that I was into being thrown around the bedroom like a dead fish while being called chef.

    All were beyond absurd. Even so, the scene unfolding before me was worse.

    Joel hissed and blew bubbles—how the frack was Joel blowing bubbles?—as he used his claw hands to pinch a new recruit on the shoulder.

    “Ow!” the woman said, standing up and rubbing her arm. “That hurt!”

    “I apologize, Sally. The heavens have blessed me with ascension.” Joel’s words were sincere, his face and core showing clear remorse, but his hands still clacked menacingly. “I forget my strength when I assume the perfect form.”

    “Yeah? Well it’s hard to take your apology seriously when you’re still crouching like a crab!”

    “You know,” Maria said, also crouching like a crab, “she has a point.” Joel shot her a look, but Maria just shrugged.

    “Thank you!” the woman—I was pretty sure her name was Sally—straightened her clothes. “Is it really necessary for us to be so literal in our praise? Why do you have to... You know what? This isn’t working for me. I think crabs are super cute, especially Sergeant Snips, but—”

    Most of the room—all the original members of the Church of Carcinization, along with three other new inductees—clacked their crab hands together in response to Snips’s name. Joel even blew more bubbles.

    “... But you’re all just too weird,” Sally finished, turning and grabbing a bag on her way out. “I’m not coming back.”

    She slammed the door behind her, and Joel nodded, still showing remorse. “Not all who attempt greatness have the requisite shell to withstand the pressure, hallowed be Sergeant Snips’s name.”

    They all clacked again—and blew bubbles if they were capable. Joel scuttled to his spot in the center of the circle, swaying back and forth as he settled. As the others resumed their meditation, I shot a look Maria’s way—she was already watching me, her eyes twinkling.

    Without needing to speak a word, we had an entire conversation, both agreeing on a few points. Yes, this was objectively funny. No, we shouldn’t intervene. And yes, they were definitely giving off some evil cult vibes. Despite said vibes, it was hard to think they’d pose a threat to anyone, especially with—

    “Fischer,” Joel said, not opening his eyes. “I am gladdened that you two are here, but I must ask that you participate if you wish to remain.”

    Maria and I locked eyes again, and she had to bite her lip to hide her smile. How in Snips’s rigid carapace had he known...?

    “Sorry, mate,” I said, and I meant it. I’d been pretty disrespectful of his beliefs, ridiculous as they might be.

    Picturing myself as a crab, I swayed back and forth, just as Joel had when he’d returned to the center. As with next door, the air in here had a tangible feel to it, something akin to change seeming to fill it. Unlike the other church, however, this building reached out to me. The moment I leaned into a certain position—still picturing my body as that of a crab—the room asked if it could enter my core.

    I shot to my feet, and Maria did the same, her eyes wide.

    Joel followed us in standing, religious fervency clear across his entire visage. “Chosen...” he said. “Chosen of Carcinization!” He dropped to his knees and pressed his forehead to the ground.

    “Chosen of Carcinization!” the rest repeated, flattening themselves even more as they faced Maria and me.

    The building—the very air surrounding us—requested that we resume meditating. Begged us to continue where we’d left off. Maria and I locked eyes, nodded to each other, and got the fuck out of there.

    “Wait!” Joel yelled as we fled the church and slammed the door behind us. “You can be chosen ones! Like Sergeant Snips!”

    “Hallowed be her name!” Jess added.

    The echoed clacks from the rest of the followers sent a shiver down my spine.

    “Okay, I’m not so sure we shouldn’t intervene anymore.” Maria blew air from her lips. “What is up with that building?”

    Now that I was free of it, I could think clearly. “I guess it’s a feature of the chi returning to the world? And that...” I waved my hand in the church’s general direction. “Is the power that created deities in the past, maybe?” I shook my head. “I have no clue. I’m not connected to it.”

    “Sooo, do we need to burn it with fire, or...?”

    “Nah, I think it’s fine. If it was evil, I’d have felt it much sooner. The chi is just... different. It felt wrong because I don’t, in any way, shape, or form, want to turn into a crab. I mean, Snips is hella cute, but—”

    “Uhhh, when?”

    “When she said you weren’t just a pretty face.” She elbowed me lightly, grinning up at me.

    I nodded sagely. “Indeed. Sharon is wise. And maybe Ruby was also wrong.”

    “Oh? And what did she say?”

    “That you were just a pretty face.” I wiggled my eyebrows. “She was very convincing.”

    Her grin evaporated.

    “I said no such thing, thank you very much!” As if I’d summoned her into being, Ruby strode around the corner of a building, her husband Steven beside her.. The smiles on their faces told me they knew I was just teasing.

    “Priapus’s rigid phallus!” Maria swore, staring down at Ruby’s swollen stomach.

    “Who’s rigid what?” I demanded, her words enough to pull my eyes from how far Ruby’s pregnancy had progressed.

    But I was ignored. She strode forward and hugged Ruby, taking great care not to put pressure on her baby bump—though it was more of a hill than a bump at this point. “I haven’t seen you since before the village transformed! I didn’t even get to say goodbye! How have you been?”

    “All three of us are well.” Ruby’s cheeks glowed like her namesake. “How are you? We only just got back, and we heard the strangest things...” She gazed down at Maria’s stomach, quirking a brow. “It doesn’t look any different...”

    “Hiiiiii!” Slimes sang, wiggling out of Maria’s abdomen.

    “Okay,” I said. “I’m voting against that exit spot, Slimes. Shoulders and arms only, please.”

    Ignoring me, the familiar spun to stare up at Maria and jiggled questioningly.

    “Agreed,” she answered. “Sorry, Slimes. It feels even worse than it looks.”

    Slime blobbed in understanding and reappeared as a crystal atop Maria’s shoulder, facing Steven and Ruby. “Nice to finally meet you in person. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed examinging Maria’s memories of—Oop! Gotta go byeeee!”

    Without another sound, he returned to Maria’s core and started doing... whatever it was he’d been doing all morning. For their part, I thought Steven and Ruby took it pretty well. The former was confused, the latter only mildly horrified.

    Ruby turned to her husband. “I know it’s normal to be scared of giving birth, but the next time I complain, remind me that there’s worse things...”

    Maria cackled. “It’s not what you think. Slimes moves about as pure energy, and doesn’t...” She shook her head. “Forget about it. What are you guys doing now? Are you free to hang?”

    “We are, actually.” Steven pointed down at Ruby’s feet. “We were going to soak our legs in the ocean. Ruby’s ankles have been getting a little swoll—”

    She batted him on the arm. “Why are you telling everyone about my cankles?”

    “Right. Sorry.” He met our gazes with a straight face. “We were going down to the ocean to soak our definitely normal, proportional, and not at all swollen ankles in the cold—”

    Her answering barrage of blows was as swift as it was gentle. “I’m. Pregnant. You. Big. Oaf!” Each word was accompanied by a soft smack.

    Swooping to Steven’s rescue—and looking for any excuse to try out my new partitioning ability—I flicked one hand. A staircase of solid light appeared, leading over the wall and down to the water. With a second part of my awareness, I created a vast platform in the spot the old wooden jetty had been. Both structures were nowhere near complex enough to challenge me, but they were the perfect trial for splitting my attention.

    “After you,” I said.

    An idea came to mind, and I tried to fight it down. I really did. But with the justification that it could count towards the quota of mischief Claws had assigned me... I was never going to win this battle of wills.

    I cleared my throat, turned to Steven, and prepared to flee. “Do you think the ocean could help Maria’s cankles too...?”