BOOK 5: CHAPTER 6: PLANNING

“Sir!” Theo boomed, his heels clicking together as he snapped to attention. “Forgive my impropriety! I didn’t expect your greatness to walk the streets with us commoners.”

I rubbed my temples. “For the love of any non-divine gods that might yet be hiding away in this realm, please stop doing… whatever this is.”

“At once, sir!” He snapped off an antagonistic salute. “Anything the God-King demands! Long live God-King Fischer!”

“Long live God-King Fischer!” the exiting crowd echoed, dozens of Tropica’s cultivators taking up the call. Even Cal and Fathom joined in from down the street, immediately stabbing me in the back with a tentacle-gripped knife.

Ellis’s self-satisfied giggles oozed from somewhere out of sight, the mass of awakened humans hiding his position.

“Maria?” I asked.

“Yes, dear?”

“Do I do this to myself?”

“Afraid so. And before you ask, yes, it is also completely deserved.”

I let out an exaggerated sigh. “I silly-goosed too close to the sun. Like Icarus, but way more heretical, relaxed, and humble.”

My followers—my taunters—smiled all around me. One was particularly egregious, and I raised a brow at her. “What’s so funny, Bonnie? You looking to get latrine duty?”

She cocked her head. “We have latrines?”

“You know what? I’m not sure. I did order some built. Maria, how goes the creation of…” I sighed again, dragging it out until my lungs were empty. “I can’t even use the God-King joke anymore. It just doesn’t hit the same when I actually am one.”

“Oh noooo,” Maria drawled. “What ever will we do?”

“You could at least pretend to feel sorry for me.”

“I would, dear, but I can tell you don’t really care.”

“Maria!” I hissed. “I’m trying to make Ellis feel bad!”

She glanced to the side, eyeing the archivist now visible through the thinning crowd. “I don’t think it’s working.”

“It isn’t", he confirmed, a literal skip to his step as he trotted off northward, smiling into the breeze. “If anybody needs me, I will be in the alchemical workshop. Will I see you there, Solomon? Francis?”

“Aye!” the former called. “We’ll be there after a coffee.”

“Wonderful! See you then!”

I couldn’t help but smile as I watched the cheeky bastard, and his two alchemical compadres, go. Getting one over on me had filled him with so much joy he basically shone with it. A warm gust blew past, its touch tickling my hair and skin. All around us, similar conversations were taking place, Tropica’s citizens planning, debating, and verbally processing which profession suited them best.

Despite the brand now seared into my very soul, I felt an immense sense of gratitude as I listened, letting the discussions wash over me. An otter’s whiskers brushed my cheek as Claws gave me a soft little smooch before bolting away, hopefulness pouring from her core. I wondered what it was about, but then I got a second whiskered kiss on the other cheek. Cinnamon leaped off and was caught by Pelly, who’d swooped down to collect her. The only other creature remaining in my arms had no intention of leaving. Sergeant Snips wiggled into my elbow nook, blowing some happy bubbles.

Maria grabbed my other hand. “Shall we go find a quiet place to do some planning of our own?” Her heart fluttered with meaning; mine thumped in response. Snips blew a single anticipatory bubble which floated up, its rainbow sheen beautiful under the morning’s rays.

“Walk or teleport?”

“Hmm. Usually I’d say walk, but you did

just become god-king. I think you owe it to the village to show your power off.”

“Agreed!” Bonnie said. “You know what would really show everyone how powerful you are? If you send me to the smithy, along with a half-dozen croissants. And a passiona treat or two.”

I shot her an amused look.

“What? A woman has to eat. Smithing is hungry work.”

“Smithing, huh? I should have known you’d settle on that.” I raised both hands and clicked my fingers. There were two surges of power, both accompanied by flashes of light, one beside me, the other on the next street.

Damn, I thought, wincing. Just as I’d worried, the mark on my soul had altered my chi. Each strand of my essence now had a sort of ‘weight’ to it, for lack of a better word. It was stronger. More capable. Harder to control.

A startled noise came from around the corner. Sue, clearly unhappy with the pastry-stealing flashbang I’d just bombed her bakery with.

“Time to go,” I said, nodding my head toward the ocean. We vanished in another flash of light, my essence becoming further known to me, the strands more… something. Free? More authoritative? It was hard to put it into word—

“Thank you!” Bonnie yelled, loud enough for me to hear from the smithy halfway across the village.

“Fischer!” Sue bellowed even louder, the sound waves reverberating off the buildings near the dock’s entrance. “Do that again and there won’t be coffee for a week!”

I blinked at Maria. “Think she means it?”

“Are you willing to test her?”

“Nope. I might be a god-king, but she has true power.”

“Such is the hold that sweet treats and caffeine have on you.”

“You’re right. I’m downright addicted. You sure you want to go ahead with the planning?”

“Positive,” she answered, responding with touching sincerity.

Faster than I thought possible, she swept in, rested her hands on my chest and got on her tiptoes, planting a soft kiss on my lips. It immediately drew me in, her touch all encompassing, her slight frame first calming my nerves then setting my pulse to racing. The sounds of the ocean called out to me, and as I breathed in, the scents of salt spray and her assaulted me.

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I couldn’t have said how long we stood there, Maria against me, our lips softly pressed together. Something jabbed me in the sternum, making me shoot back. “Snips! Sorry! I totally forgot!”

She just shrugged, blowing some amused bubbles. Through our connection, I could tell she genuinely didn’t care. She was a crab. Why should a crustacean be bothered by the public affection of two consenting humans?

Maria’s cheeks flushed red in embarrassment as she swept a loose strand of hair behind her ear. It made me want to scoop her up, teleport us home, and—

“Hey!” she laughed. “Have some self control!”

“I can’t help it!”

“You can help broadcasting it, mister!”

“Okay, that’s fair. My chi is… different. I need to adjust.” I rubbed the back of my head, looking down at Snips. “Did you need to get going?”

She nodded, her eyes and answering hisses swimming with amusement. “My opinions aren’t needed here. I thought I would go try my claw at crafting.”

“A great idea, but before you scuttle off, I brought you here for a reason.”

She cocked her whole body to the side. “You did?”

“Ya-huh! While we might not need you here to help plan that, I have another scheme to reveal.”

Curiosity swirled in her eyes as they stared up at me.

“It’s no secret what we’re planning, Snips, and you’re a part of the wedding party. There’s no way we can subject you to such a public celebration without your signature eyepatch.”

She blew happy bubbles as she gazed up at me.

“Glad you agree! I thought about making it a surprise, but then I couldn’t have asked about any adjustments you might want to—”

I cut off as she blurred toward me, rasing a claw high above my head, only for it to descend in a flash.

Smack!

“Hey! That would have hurt if I’d not just been designated god-king!”

“Master,” she hissed, shaking her carapace. “Are you dumb?”

“Yes, but—”

“Absolutely,” Maria said at the same time, her gleeful expression taking the sting from her answer.

“Okay, ouch. Why do you ask though, Snips? I be out here doin’ foolish things pretty much nonstop. You’ll need to be specific.”

“Do you really think there are no more—how would a human say it? Curveballs?—coming Tropica’s way? Who knows what could happen between now and the time it takes you to make me a new eyepatch? Every second you delay making the mistress your bride is another moment that something can ruin your plans. If you ask me, you are silly for taking as long as you have. Why wait longer?”

“Snips…” Maria’s lower lip protruded. “That might be the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me. I love you.”

Snips leaped from my chest and into Maria’s open arms, reaching up a spiked snipper to wipe away the first happy tear to fall. “As I love you, mistress.”

I joined in, hugging them tight. “You’re right, of course. I would happily do it today, but isn’t that, I don’t know, a little selfish? We’ve not given any warn—”

Smack!

“Stop it! That made my god-king brand tingle!”

Snips waved her claw, threatening to do it again. “You stop it, Master. Have you considered that you should be more selfish sometimes? I was too human before my breakthrough, and you’re being too human right now. Who cares what others think? Be more like a crab. Take what you want. Do what you please. Besides, you haven’t done a single normal thing since arriving in this realm. Why start?”

I nodded sagely. “I see what you’re saying. I’ll commence immediately.” I dropped my tooshie low, made the approximation of claws with my hands like the Church of Carcinization used to do, and scuttled sideways toward Maria. “Marriage!” I hissed. “Marriage now!”

“Too much crab! Too much crab!” she yelled, giggling as she backed away.

Snips leaned forward and raised an eyebrow—an impressive feat considering her distinct lack of them—but before she could whack me again, I sprung upright, grabbed Maria by the waist, and stared into her eyes. A kaleidoscope of butterflies took flight in my abdomen. “Are we really doing this? You want to get married today?”

She didn’t look away, her love and affection beaming out through her beautiful irises and across our connection. “Shall we say tonight? I know we’re being selfish little crabbies right now, but that will at least let Mom and Dad prepare.”

“What does your dad need to prep—ohhh. You mean mentally. That’s very kind of you.”

She smacked my shoulder. “Hah-hah. He needs to prepare the wedding feast. What else would the bride’s father do…?”

I blinked at her. She blinked back. “Oh. You were serious.”

“I’m just now realizing we have very different customs. Is there anything I need to worry about?”

She shook her head, sending what could only be described as conceptual memories through our connection. Traditionally, the bride’s family organized everything—which was handy considering my complete lack thereof. The father curated food and drink, the mother chose the clothing, and the friends and extended family did the rest, ensuring it all fit with the parents’ choices.

“Sorry,” she said, squeezing the spot she’d softly smacked only seconds ago. “I didn’t mean to bring your family up.”

“None needed. My family is right here in Tropica.”

Snips nodded, blowing loving bubbles.

“That reminds me, Fischer.” Maria frowned. “I have a question about something you said earlier.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“What the frack is a wedding party?”

I stared at her for a moment, only now realizing that her memories hadn’t contained anything about bridesmaids, groomsmen, the father walking the bride down the aisle, or the buck’s and hen’s parties. I was grateful for the lack of the latter two, but I sent them all her way regardless.

“Ohhhhh!” She twirled a finger through her hair in thought. “We should absolutely have a wedding party! We can use all the animal pals! Not sold on the whole ‘father handing off the bride’ thing, though. Feels a bit too much like I’m property to be handed over.”

“That’s for sure what it used to be, but it turned into something sweet. In most places, anyway.” I almost pointed out that having the bride’s family do all the work was kinda implying that women were worth less, but I decided it was best to keep it to mysel—

“Fischer…”

“You heard that thought, didn’t you?”

“I did.” She laughed. “Just when you master self control, Ellis goes and ruins it for you.”

“Yeahhhh. It’s a bit like that. I had good intentions in trying to keep it to myself. Sorry.”

“You know what?” She leaned her head against my chest, lifting Snips so she wasn’t squashed between us again. “I find myself unable to care. I don’t think there’s a single thing you could say to ruin how I feel right now.”

She meant it, too. From the sliver of connection we opened to one another, both our bodies were aglow with anticipation and excitement. I couldn’t put into words how grateful I was for the cosmic events that brought me to Tropica, my new life, and—most importantly of all—her.

“Byeeeee!” my trusty guard-crab hissed, leaping from our arms and racing down the dock, a solid wall raised to obscure her thoughts.

“Snips? Where are you going?” I called, genuinely confused.

A stream of excited bubbles floated in her wake, reflecting the sun’s rays as a soft breeze swept by, lifting them higher. “What do you mean, Master? I have a wedding to plan.”

With that, she finally released the creatures stored in her soul. Hundred of crustaceans appeared at the end of the dock, each launching off in different directions to follow their master’s directives.

“Should we be worried?” Maria asked, watching as the Church of Carcinization crawled atop each other to form a tower.

I frowned as the bottom crustacean of said tower sped off, the top of the stack—Jess and Joel—almost toppling over as their many-limbed base skidded around a corner and out of sight. “I was going to say no, but now…”

She laughed, looping her arm through mine and pulling herself close. “Already getting cold feet, huh? And we haven’t even done the hard part yet.”

I blew air through my lips. “My trotters are as red-hot as my personality. I’m not going anywhere. Besides, I don’t think the wedding is gonna to be hard at all—I genuinely can’t wait.”

“Oh, honey…”

“What?”

“I wasn’t talking about the wedding.”

“What are you—Oh.”

“Yep. We have to go tell my dad.”

“I’ve faced gods, creatures from the abyss, and Roger back when he first learned I was a cultivator.” I shrugged, freeing my arm to pull her closer to my side. “It can’t be that bad… right?”