CHAPTER 82: FEAR OF ASURA: PART 5

"Shut the fuck up! I don’t care!" Johan’s eyes suddenly started to gain light, just as the system’s blue interface disappeared, startling James to fall on his back, stumbling on his hands.

"What... you should give u—" James’ voice was filled with disbelief at the sudden colour coming on Johan’s face, desperately trying to continue the same monologue again.

"I said shut the fuck up!! Give up? For what!?" Johan’s voice reverberated in the area, it wasn’t loud because Johan was angry, or trying to defend himself, but because his mind was finally clear.

"Because it’s painful to live, it will only get harder... You can’t even keep Kirin and Sebastian emotionally well! What will happen if you meet Acier, and the rest of your family? You also have the responsibility to save Selene from Leor if you live! It all will only hurt you more. Just give up, it’s easy."

James’ voice suddenly grew soft, as if he was talking to a friend, getting up from the ground and walking closer to Johan, trying to gain back his momentum.

"I DON’T EVER GIVE UP." Johan replied immediately, not even thinking over James’ words.

"I know it’s painful. I know it will only get harder, and worse. I know it will break me further. I don’t even know if I will survive today, or even successfully save my family, or I’m just going there to find them all dead!

I know nothing, but... I at least have to try... Give it my all."

James, ignoring Johan’s sharp words, suddenly leaped right in front of Johan, tightly grabbing Johan’s collar with a single movement of his hand.

"Shut up! You shut up and listen to me! I explained everything to you, literally everything for so long already!! You will lose no matter what you do! No matter how hard you try!! Then why even try?

Did you even take a look at who your enemies are? Leor, Lucifer, and Radhaan can kill you with a single finger, no, with just a look!"

Johan said nothing, James’ voice growing more desperate by the second—he wanted Johan to try to defend himself.

"You’re weak! You’re worthless! You will only make it worse by even succeeding. Let’s say you successfully escape from the dungeon, save your family. Live with them to the fullest! And then what? One day Leor just randomly appears right next to you, and boom! You will watch them all die! You saw what kind of a man Leor really is, he will make sure you see every second of it."

James, grabbing Johan’s collar, made him stare at the dagger, as if selling it as the solution to all problems.

"I will just watch it happen then. Try my best to save them, again. If not, I will just watch!" Johan said simply, not even the slightest doubt betraying his voice.

Johan’s voice grew lower, "If like you said, I saved them. Healed them. Redeemed myself in their eyes. At least, it meant something... I tried my best, so dying, or watching them die won’t matter then.

Even if Leor killed them all, and I couldn’t do a single thing, failing miserably trying to save them, even if they were blaming me— I will just cry, feel the pain, try my best to survive again, and if I survived, try to plot my revenge, and revive them back from the dead!"

Johan’s voice grew sharper, as if he finally found the words he was looking for. "And if I failed again? I will try my best to survive again, and then try again, and again, and again! Maybe lose every time, it won’t matter.

As long as there is even a little glimmer of hope that I will win, I will keep coming back, losing again, then trying again.

James! The only loss I can suffer are the ones you suggested... give up, and death." Johan’s voice sounded just like a father scolding his son.

Johan’s face was gaining back the old sharp look somehow.

Maybe because he had argued with the man asking him to kill himself for over the last two hundred years, and now, he actually started to feel like he understood himself, and the world better.

And maybe, he also finally understood what James was... His demons.

And maybe there was some truth in James’ words, but Johan will just reject that truth.

As long as he has his mind, and the hope that he will eventually win— truth becomes irrelevant.

Truth becomes truth if he accepts that it’s the truth.

He believes he knows the truth better than anyone could say, and it had evidence, not just words.

And as far as it went, his actions were what mattered more than something as irrelevant as the true feelings of his dark side.

Feelings neither paid the bills, nor changed anything.

"As a realistic optimistic, I can hardly give a fuck." Johan grinned, making James’ entire body tremble with shock, his words weren’t working anymore.

But, they actually were working. But Johan was just lying again, he did give a fuck, he was almost convinced to kill himself after all, if not for that sudden moment of clarity, he maybe actually would have...

But, who wouldn’t be like this after listening to their own reflection attack their biggest insecurities for over two hundred years?

People break at even their enemy saying the most generic insult, that’s how fragile humans were.

And this was a guy genuinely trying to make Johan kill himself, working day and night, twenty-four hours a day.

Even when Johan tried to sleep, James was rambling in his ears, and for some weird reason Johan felt no motivation to even resist until just now.

But, as long as he believed it had no effect on him at all, even if it did, he would survive, and maybe even actually start to believe it as the truth.

’Just a hundred more years... Olivia, and Acier are waiting!’ Johan bit his lip, trying to calm down.

But suddenly his eyes widened to the limit.

James’ right hand, the one holding the dagger, was moving, rushing towards Johan at an extremely fast speed, too fast to be a normal human’s... awfully similar to Johan’s current body’s speed.

Johan twisted just in time. The blade grazed his shirt, but didn’t cut deep, just a little scratch.

Johan instantly brought his elbow down hard on James’s wrist holding the knife.

With a sharp crack the knife clattered to the ground.

They both stared at each other, trying to understand the other’s next move.

Then, James threw a wild right hook. Johan ducked skillfully, and came up with a quick jab to James’s gut.

James staggered back but didn’t drop, the jab hardly had any effect. James lunged again, this time grappling Johan’s neck under his elbow’s grip.

"You’re weak. I am stronger, there is no way you can win, just GIVE UP, and—" James’ words were caught in his mouth as he felt intense pain in his chest—Johan’s left elbow.

"That line’s already old, bitch!" Johan pushed himself out of James’ grip, creating a little bit of distance between them again.

James lunged again, fists flying. But, it was awfully... sloppy, like a bunch of angry punches an untrained man would throw.

Johan quickly evaded them all, blocking some with his hands, some with knees, and reverting some with his palm, making James stumble all over the black sand.

"Ahh, I see! I finally understand. You have my current strength, but not the skills?" Johan chuckled, then frowned a little.

"But, why? If you have my memories then you should know the martial arts I know too right?

Then why are you fighting like how the past me would..."

A.N.= Enjoy the mass release, children. Daddy is happy today. I was able to work over twelve hours in a single night, and finished over five very good Chapters. Anyways, I will add privilege (5 advance Chapters) in 16 hours. Enjoy.