Uchiha Hikaru stood atop his Susanoo.

As Obito charged forward, controlling his giant wooden construct, a new idea sparked in Hikaru's mind.

Wasn't this the most classic Gundam-style clash in Naruto history? How could he not follow the unspoken rule of mecha brawls?

With that in mind, he released the sword—his Mangekyō technique—from Susanoo's grasp.

"You… you really don't know how to appreciate kindness!!!"

In an instant, the sword transformed into a red-orange glowing brick!

Susanoo snatched it up again, casually tossing it in its palm and weighing it twice.

On each side of the glowing brick were etchings of two wild-eyed girls with gray hair, blood-red irises, twisted grins—and giant thumbs-down stickers. Bold. Gaudy. Completely deranged.

"Okay."

"This feels just right."

Without warning, Uchiha Hikaru drove Susanoo forward, brick in hand, straight toward Obito's wooden titan.

The wooden construct threw both fists at Susanoo.

Hikaru blocked the right fist with Susanoo's left arm, smacking it aside.

Then—clank—the right arm snapped up, brick poised, wrist twisting sharply as Susanoo wound up the strike.

Obito's gaze was drawn to the brick.

And then he saw it.

The mocking face carved onto the side of the brick.

Instant fury spiked through him.

"Tch! You think some dumb brick can hurt me?!"

"Mudda!"

He instantly activated Kamui, phasing his body out and preparing to use the wooden giant for a surprise counterattack.

But as the old saying went—if the Shinigami schedules your death for 3 a.m., you better slit your own throat by 2:59.

"CRACK!!!"

One brutal impact later, Obito was sent flying hundreds of meters away, embedded deep into a cliff wall.

Uchiha Hikaru sighed and facepalmed.

"This idiot child..."

"How are you so damn confident in your half-baked divine power?"

"You really thought this was just some normal brick??? (¬_¬")"

Obito lay there, crumpled in stone, ears ringing.

The sound of bang bang bang still echoed in his head.

His mind was chaos.

Spitting blood, he yelled out in disbelief, "Damn it! Wasn't your Mangekyō technique supposed to be chains that distort space and a blue-white flame!?"

"How the hell is your spiritual weapon turning into a BRICK that punches through Kamui!?"

Uchiha Hikaru stared down at him, realization dawning.

So that was why Obito had been so arrogant, not even trying to dodge.

He'd misunderstood everything.

He thought the abilities that tormented him that night were Hikaru's eye techniques.

Well... he wasn't entirely wrong.

But he wasn't right either.

What a perfect match for that brain of his. (￣ω￣;)

Hikaru playfully flicked his fingers, all innocence.

Then he leaned forward with a mysteriously smug expression.

"My Mangekyō Sharingan…"

"You wanna know?"

Obito stared back, eyes twitching, desperate for an answer.

Hikaru leaned in closer, lips parting as if to whisper the truth...

"Ah shit, Lei~!?"

"You seriously thought I'd tell you!?"

"Do you expect your enemies to reveal their secrets like that?"

"You've been licking ass for so long, you still haven't figured it out? If you keep licking, they'll just ignore you."

(⁄ ⁄⁄ ▽ ⁄⁄ ⁄)

Behind him, the Konoha shinobi began to sweat.

"Assistant-sama really has a… strong personality."

"Wow... reminds me of my goddess… She talks like that too…"

"Huh? Wait, man. You're a Chunin—how can you be a simp? Can't you just get a girlfriend?"

"Wuwuwu... she's a Uchiha Chunin… wuwuwu... do I even have a chance?"

Another Chunin raised an eyebrow and looked at him sympathetically.

"Bro… Sarutobi clan, right?"

"Huh?! How'd you know!?"

"Trust me, man. Shave that beard more often, hit Jonin rank, then maybe start chasing that Uchiha girl…"

Meanwhile, the kunoichi in the back were fully swooning.

"Even when he's roasting people, he's so cool~! (*≧▽≦)"

"What do I do? I think I'm falling for Assistant-sama all over again!"

"Back off! He's mine!"

"No, you're wrong! Assistant-sama belongs to everyone!!!"

Obito, meanwhile, was on the verge of cardiac arrest.

Even Hashirama cells couldn't save him from his skyrocketing blood pressure.

200 bpm. Critical. Red zone.

With trembling hands, he opened Kamui space and retrieved two vials.

He yanked out the Sharingan in his left eye—now grey from Izanagi—and shoved in a replacement.

"Izanagi!!"

The injuries across his body vanished instantly.

The second vial went into his sleeve.

Moments later, he reappeared atop the wooden giant, charging back toward Uchiha Hikaru, determined to counterattack while the effects of Izanagi still lingered.

The wooden giant lunged forward again.

This time, Obito's gaze was locked on that brick.

Every slight movement, every twitch—he followed it.

The wooden construct and Susanoo traded fists, slamming into one another with primal fury.

"Ora ora ora ora ora ora!!!"

"Wood wood wood wood wood wood!!!"

The brawl intensified.

Fist after fist.

Punch after punch.

But Obito's wild fury had no rhythm or precision. He fought like a berserker, driven mad by taunts and bricks.

Hikaru, by contrast, blocked almost every strike with eerie efficiency.

Even when a blow landed, it only shaved off a thousandth of Susanoo's durability.

His counterattacks?

Every time the brick slammed into the wooden giant—it tore off one full percent.

In a battle of attrition...

Hikaru was winning.

After all, the brick—born of Uchiha Hikaru's sword technique Qianyue—was a true melee weapon.

Infused with the dual Mangekyō abilities: Illusion Bind and Flame Echo.

Its powers?

Lock-On and Taunt.

It ignored space-time barriers, striking directly.

And once a target saw the twisted expression carved into it… they lost all rationality.

Like Obito.

He didn't even realize it anymore.

Each time the brick smashed into the wooden giant, the outer layers of wood splintered and shattered, raining chips across the battlefield.

The once-imposing construct, reminiscent of Hashirama's majestic jutsu, now looked...

Skinny.

Like a malnourished dog.

Suddenly, Obito felt a strange tremor beneath his feet.

He looked down.

His heart nearly stopped.

"What the hell!? Why does my big-ass wooden giant look like a damned skinny mutt now!? Didn't I use Izanagi to make it FAT again!?"

Σ(°ロ°)

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