bChapter /bb185 /b

    ra

    Cassian doesn’t give up easily; I wish I could say the jolts stopped and I could have a peaceful sleep. The truth is far from that. I could feel his nervousness through our connection, not only in the moments wemunicated, when his voice trembled with anger, but I could feel his emotions in apletely inexplicable way. Perhaps at some point I transmitted my own feelings to him, because there was a brief moment when I could rest.

    Now, sitting around Evanora’s table, with a small breakfast in front of me, I wonder if the right thing would be to let him in, tell him everything, and take refuge in his arms hoping that all of this is a bad dream. Just as that thought crosses my mind, I feel a small pang in my heart. I think knowing I’m pregnant does strange things to my mind; little by little, I feel more connected to what’s growing inside me, and thoughts like that make me feel guilty.

    Surely, the longer I take with this decision, the harder it will be.

    I look at my breakfast and taste one of the peeled fruits, but it tastes like ashes the moment I chew it. My stomach churns, and the little appetite I had disappearspletely.

    “Do you know what decision I will make?” I ask when I see Evanora entering the hut with wet hair. The banshee gives me a confused look. “I mean, have you asked Viatrix what decision she has seen me choose?”

    “No,” she replies. “I have no need to know the future.”

    “Have you seen Cassian?”

    “Briefly. I went to tell him he will not be allowed to enter until we consider it appropriate.”

    “And what did he say?”

    “That he’s going to tear my skin off in strips.”

    “Very much like him.”

    I get up

    from my seat, smooth my dress, and prepare to go out for some fresh air. I’m going to need many walks to clear my mind.

    “If you want, I can heat water so you can take a hot bath,” offers the banshee.

    “I’m fine, I think I’ll take a walk.” I bite my lower lip. “Do you think he’ll see me if I go out?”

    “The camp’s protections are for both annoying intrusions and curious eyes. He can’t see anything that happens in

    here.”

    I nod, letting out a sigh of relief. Thest thing I need is for Cassian to go crazy if he sees me. I really want to see him, but I know that doing so is the easy choice. He will tell me everything is fine, and I would easily get lost in his warmth and forget the problems, the fear. However, I must face this, make my decision, and only then can I return

    to him.

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    14:15 Thu, 21 Aug

    “And Drystan? Was he with him?”

    This time I ask to see her reaction, which, as I expected, is much more revealing than she thinks. For a moment, all her movements stop, and I hear her breath hitch, though she quickly disguises it, pretending that what she’s doing requires her full attention.

    “No, he was alone.”

    “Evanora,” I say in a serious tone to get her attention, “will you ever tell me what happened between you two?”

    “There’s not much to tell,” she replies casually. “He thinks he can fix broken things without getting hurt, and I’m tired of people trying to fix me.”

    I want to talk, to sit with her and converse, but I know that’s not what she wants. She makes it clear when she leaves for the kitchen with a mortar and some herbs between her fingers. I hear the sound of her movements while working and the beat of her strong, steady heart. I moisten my lips, take onest look at her back, and leave, knowing I also have a lot to put in order.

    I head toward the beach, hoping the breeze and the sound of the waves will help me. I take off my shoes and feel the wet sand beneath my feet. I roll up the hem of my dress, which at this point is far from being saved by a simple wash. I walk aimlessly along the shore until I reach some rocks where the waves crash forcefully. I stand there, listening to the sound of the waves dying, feeling small drops ssh on my cheeks. It feels like centuries have passed since I tried to end my life in the water. Yet, I find some peace here.

    I take a deep breath and feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn, expecting the banshee, who may have gone out for a walk to clear her own mind, undoubtedly tormented as well; instead, I find a pair of eyes like mine and a violet

    aura.

    “Atarothz? How? What are you doing here?”

    “Your difort speaks louder than iyou /ithink,” he says kindly. “I feel there’s something tormenting you, and I’ve promised myself to be a better father ito /iiyou/i.”

    “I thought no one could enter the camp.”

    “I’m a god, ra. There’s little that can stop me from doing what I wish.” He strokes my hair and gives me the closest thing to a smile I’ve ever seen from him. “Do you want to tell me what’s troubling you?”

    “Don’t you know?”

    He presses his lips into a thin line and exhales deeply, his shoulders dropping.

    “I have an idea,” he shrugs. “But I think it would do you good to say it out loud.”

    I take a deep breath.

    “I’m pregnant.” I pause for a moment; it feels strange to share this with him even before the child’s own father knows. When he says nothing, I continue pouring out all my thoughts: “I don’t know if I want to have it. I came here

    14:15 Thu, 21 Aug f

    precisely to avoid being used. What will happen when I show up with a child?”

    “You don’t know if it will be a Pure.”

    I raise an eyebrow.

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    “Lilith was very sure of what would happen, so you know better than anyone that I will have a vampire child and a

    Pure.”

    “Maybe it will be like you.”

    “I don’t think it makes much of a difference.” I sigh, mentally exhausted. “In fact, it may even be worse. They will

    be afraid of it, just as they are afraid of me. It will be a threat, one they will want to eliminate from the moment

    they know of its existence.”

    “If you want to have that child, you will do everything possible to make them understand.”

    He ces his hand on my shoulder again, giving a warm squeeze. “Don’t let that interfere with your desires.”

    “I don’t know if I want this; that’s the problem,” I say with resentment in my voice. “I never thought about being a

    mother, I never even thought it was a possibility for me.”

    Deep in my heart, I feel once again that I am being deprived of choosing, of guiding my life, of making my own decisions. It feels like I’m running against the clock. I am furious.

    His features soften in a way I never thought I would see. Gone is the god capable of judging souls, devouring them, sacrificing them; I only see a man, my father. He looks at me as someone who suffers for me, who watches over me, and who would do everything in his power to make me happy.

    “There are many things you never thought you would live through.” He opens his arms, inviting me to take refuge in them. I don’t know if it’s my condition, the fear, or simply that I am softening toward him, but I approach and let him embrace me. I rest my head on his chest and let himfort me like a little girl. My eyes sting thinking that it is the first time someone who truly is my family hugs me.

    “You thought you would die soon. Deep down, you even wished it. You never stopped to think about what you liked, to look for a hobby, to y an instrument, to learn to cook, to imagine yourself in another ce, traveling, discovering new ces. You never considered the possibility of having your own family, of truly loving someone, of having someone whose world you are. But the reality is, all of that is within your reach now. You can learn to y the piano if you want, pursue things that excite you, think about tomorrow, next month, or the next ten years. Just

    it’s wh

    asy

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