ra

    2017

    b38 /b

    Weeks have passed since Cassian was with me, truly with me, not those furtive encounters in the nights where neither of us is really with the other. I have slowly watched fatigue take its toll on him. He is still the most handsome man my eyes have ever seen, but his dark circles cannot be hidden, even if he tries to deceive me by drawing smiles on his lips.

    The negotiations are proving to be moreplicated than we expected, and my belly, which seems to grow a little more every day, is the constant reminder that we have much to lose if this goes wrong. I know fears torment his rest, that there are thoughts he cannot drive out of his head no matter how much he tries. He doesn’t share that weight with me, thinking that in doing so he keeps me safe, when the truth is that my own sleep is filled with the same nightmares that gue his.

    Naja’s hands wander over my belly, palpating while she keeps her eyes closed. I observe intently. As I’ve been told, it wouldn’t be strange for me to feel a kick or the baby’s movements at any moment. That fills me with equal parts joy and sadness. Joy, because it would mean the baby is well. Sometimes I dream that what I carry inside me is a corpse, and no matter how much they tell me everything is fine, I can’t quite believe it. Sadness, because if these first movements happen soon, Cassian won’t be here to witness them, and there is nothing I desire more than for him to be here for all the first times.

    Each night I notice the nostalgic look in his eyes when he sees my belly swelling more. He neveres near or tries to touch me, and that is beginning to affect my mood. I don’t know if it’s just the stress or if my pregnancy makes me undesirable.

    “If you visit Viatrix, she can tell you the sex of the baby.”

    I shake my head, not entirely sure I want to know, and less so without Cassian by my side. In my head, I see a boy with eyes blue as the ocean and hair ck as the night itself, and just thinking of it stretches my lips into a smile. I rise from the reclining chair where I’ve spent thest fifteen minutes, letting Naja study my body and give me all the tonics and brews that keep me strong. As the weeks have passed, I’ve found myself craving one thing above all else: blood. Food keeps me alive, gives me the nutrients I need, but it doesn’t quiet my appetite. The thought of catching an animal and drinking its blood has crossed my mind more times than I can count; however, I always discard it in the end.

    oses her eyes “Your pulse is fine.” She pricks my finger with a small pin and takes the bloody tip into her mouth. Sh see them move beneath her eyelids until she opens them again, fixing those reptilian pupils on me. “Youood as have the right nutrients.”

    I try to hide the grimace of disgust on my lips.

    “You’re not very talkative today,” shements.

    “I’m just tired.”

    “Tired or worried?”

    “Both?” I reply, raising a brow.

    “And I suspect it’s not all because of this baby here,” she says, patting my belly, “but has more to do with an egotistical and irascible vampire.”

    “You could try to get along with him.”

    “For that to happen, he would have to be reborn as something other than a damned leech.”

    “Vampires are not responsible for the witches‘ tragedy.”

    “My hatred isn’t for the witches,” she says while arranging some of her things, avoiding my eyes. “The banshees gave me refuge when I had nowhere to go, and seeing what they did to Evanora sowed a hatred in me that has only grown over the years.”

    10:34 Mon, 25 Aug PM‘

    “Cassian wouldn’t do something like that”

    Naja lifts her gaze and looks at me as if I were a na?ve little girl. Her smile irritates me.

    “Darling, Cassian has done worse.” She shakes her head. “Love clouds your judgment, but loving him doesn’t mean he isn’t a

    monster.”

    Her words make my eyes fill with hot tears. I try to blink them away, but I know I’m not seeding. Naja remains unshaken by my emotional outburst, in fact, she ignores me as she sees my intention to leave, not stopping me to apologize. She believes what she says.

    I leave with my eyes blurred by tears and, not quite sure how, I end up in front of the sea. It has be the ce I always turn to when I want to be alone, as if this breeze filled my lungs with a different air, one that allows me to breathe better. Sometimes, when I feel suffocated, the sea is my greatest confidant.

    My gaze focuses on the horizon while Naja’s words repeat endlessly in my head. No one understands Cassian, no one understands my feelings for him. I see reproach in people’s faces; they wonder how one can love someone like him. They don’t know him as I do, they don’t see the soft surfaces that make up his being, they don’t understand the level of sacrifice he would be willing to make for me. They cannot see the will to live that being in hispany bstirs /bbin /bme, they don’t know the dark pit my mind sank into right before I met him. Perhaps he was at first the cause of my sadness; nevertheless, now he is the reason for my racing heartbeat. I know the heart that rests in his chest, and I know there is goodness inside, no matter how much he and the rest try to deny it.

    If he is a monster, then what am I?

    Just another monster.

    bAD /b

    Comment