16 - Fallen Angel Crying

Oskar glanced into the nothingness. There was only one thing in front of him - a door.

He looked behind him, the only thing he saw was his best friend’s half-mauled standing corpse in the distance, somehow still able to stand up right. He quickly turned around. The door in front of him was black, it appeared to be made out of wood.

There was no school, there was no sky decorated in beautiful or alien patterns, there was only nothingness - a light, akin to a blank canvas.

Oskar’s eyes were wide open. He stared at the door. He remembered every single action that he did as a Nachtvessel. He couldn’t even get himself to cry or say anything. He just stared at the door.

He knew that the only thing he could do was to open it. And yet, he did nothing.

“No, I’m not making that same mistake again.” Oskar said, approaching Oskar and the door. He appeared terrified, but also determined. He marched on until eventually being only a few meters away from Oskar.

“All this time, all I needed to do was to enter these damn things.” Oskar said, walking past Oskar. “Come on. It’s not too late.”

Oskar, who was stunned this whole time, finally acknowledged the presence of Oskar, who reached for the doorknob. He slowly pushed it down.

“Don’t...”

“What do you mean?” Oskar turned around, annoyed. “This is the only way you get something in your life. Come on, you should know by now how these things work.”

“Don’t...”

“Every time you failed to enter, you effectively prolonged this careless and desensitized state of yours. So come on, it’s not too late to fix things.” Oskar said. He opened the door.

“Don’t!!!”

The door revealed Ausra’s corpse. Oskar didn’t enter the door, but he had already crossed it. He stood next to it. His hands shook a little, his eyes teared up, not from crying though, he didn’t even process things yet in order to cry properly, they teared up because his eyes were glued open for so long.

“Ausra...?”

The corpse didn’t move at all. It laid there, with the same injuries that Oskar remembered giving her. Her broken hand, her many broken facial features, her pierced and crushed heart. Blood no longer oozed out of her, it remained as a static puddle underneath her.

“I...”

“Did this..."

The canvas of the environment was now a starless pitch black.

He looked up and saw Sakuto standing on the other side of the body. Despite looking like a corpse himself, Oskar could hear his speech.

“It wasn’t you.” Sakuto said.

“You...why...”

“Oskar, we know what happened-”

“Why the fuck are you here?!” Oskar lashed out, finally releasing the tears that were repressed by his shock. The environment around them slowly started growing dimmer. “Get out! You’re the last person I wanna see here!”

It’s like his own words bit him. He gasped and took a step back.

“Sakuto, you’re...you shouldn’t be here...”

“Do you want to go through this alone?” Sakuto asked. A blink later, he looked like the normal himself. Like the Sakuto that Oskar had always known.

“Why are you asking me that?” Oskar asked. “Where...where even am I? Is this-”

“I’m here to help you. “

“What is there to help?!” Oskar lashed out again. “Don’t you see this?” He pointed at the corpse, even more petrified to look at it. “What could you possibly do to help her?”

After a blink, the place grew a little dimmer, a little emptier. Sakuto was no longer there.

“If you think it’s my fault, you’re free to do whatever you want to me.” Oskar said, posing up in front of him. Oskar, infuriated, grabbed him by his clothes. He pushed him back before letting him go and punching him in the face, knocking him down.

“Whose fault would it be if not yours?!”

“Go on. Get your anger out.” Oskar said, lying on the ground, motionless. Oskar didn’t even notice the box cutter in his hands. He mounted Oskar, but even the position itself reminded him of what happened. He growled in anger and swung the blade...

“Don’t do it sharply.” Sakuto said, appearing behind him.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Oskar yelled back. Oskar, still on the ground, retained an empty expression. He looked more like a mannequin.

“If you’re gonna hurt him anyways, there’s a way to do it.” Sakuto said, looking rather sad himself. “Use sudden, slashing motions. Don’t stab him. Pick the right place to target.”

Oskar, even more infuriated by the comments, raised the blade. But despite his desire to slash away, seeing Ausra’s face instead of Oskar’s, even for just a moment, got him to hesitate.

“Do you think she’d want you to do this to yourself?” Oskar asked, slowly climbing out of the mounted position. He sat in front of Oskar, softly placing his hands on the latter’s shoulders.

“Oskar, you were tricked.”

“You were lied to, right? You know that. You remember everything.” Sakuto added.

“I guess.”

“There was nothing you could’ve done.” Oskar said.

“Nothing could have prepared you for this.” Sakuto added.

“No...I...”

“It’s okay to lose someone and feel guilty over it.” Oskar said, caressing his face.

“It’s okay to be part of a circumstance like this.” Sakuto added, taking a step closer.

“I guess...but...”

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Oskar raised his head. Instead of himself, it was Ausra this time. She gently held his face.

“Oskar, it’s okay.”

Oskar jumped back in surprise. He couldn’t look at her without picturing the image of the corpse laying on the cold hard concrete. He crawled back a little, and immediately felt guilty for it. He didn’t know what else to do other than just sit up, lean his head against his knees and sob.

“Nothing is okay...”

“You’re...dead. Nothing is okay when someone is dead. They’re gone forever.”

“How do you think I feel right now? All two or three or whatever the fuck how much of you there are here...”

“The one time I decided to commit to someone, to try and be on a different level of closeness to someone,, this happens. I should’ve...”

Doors appeared in front of Sakuto, Oskar and Ausra, and they were all shut close. In the middle was the crying soulful, alone. The area got darker and darker.

“I should’ve never gone anywhere.”

“I should’ve never tried to prove anything.”

“There’s....no point in anything...”

“There is a point.”

Oskar raised his head, suddenly hearing the confident voice of his best friend. The doors around him disappeared, with only being left in the distance. And that door wasn’t opened, it was kicked down by Sakuto. The very same Sakuto that Oskar effectively spent his childhood with. The very same Sakuto he trusted to pull off something inexplicable all the way in America.

“Oskar, there still is a point.” Sakuto said.

“You’re...pretty stubborn, you know that?” Oskar chuckled through the tears. The only 'white' in the environment appeared near Sakuto. Everything else, albeit remaining pitch black, had the rays of pure white shine upon it. “I...this isn’t some breakup or injury...I killed her. The moment I figured out my feelings, the moment I realized that everything made sense...I murdered her. There’s...there’s no coming back from that.”

“Oskar, we don’t have too much time.” Sakuto said. “You have to trust me. There still is a point in living.”

“I never thought I’d be the one hearing that from you...” Oskar said. “I...”

“Oskar, as much as it might hurt, you have to enter this door.” Sakuto said. “It’s the only way I can help you.”

“Help...me?” Oskar asked. “I...can’t. I don’t deserve to be helped. Not after what happened-”

“You do deserve to be helped.” Sakuto interrupted him. “If I accepted help from you, then you’ll have to accept it from me. That’s what we’ve been doing to stay afloat, right? Helping each other.”

“I...never helped you enough.” Oskar sobbed.

“Trust me, the fact that you were there for me helped me more than anything could ever help me.” Sakuto said. “And that’s why I’m here for you.” He extended his hand, as the darkness enveloped more and more of the area. “Come, take my hand.”

“And...what will happen?”

“I’ll help you.” Sakuto said. “I’ll convince you that even after all of this, there’s still a point. That it’s still worth it to care, to commit to someone. That even if you can’t see it or don’t want to see it, there are things to live for and care about.”

“Really...?”

“Come on. I’ll help you get in better shape.” Sakuto said. “I’ll show you all the exciting things we did. I’ll show you all those memories. I'll guide you through this place and convince you that you deserve to live. I promise...just, take my hand, okay?”

“Oskar...”

“I’m here for you.”

Oskar, despite the tears, cracked a small smile.

“Even after what I did, you still see me as worth saving? I should've just died back..."

"Nevermind."

"I trust you, Sakuto."

"I'll take your hand."

"I..."

“Why can’t I move?”

The darkness had completely devoured the room, but now, the light started to embrace him too. At the abyssal depth, a ray of shattered sunlight acted as the guide. Oskar laid on the ground, paralyzed. All he could see was Sakuto holding out his hand.

“Hah...”

“Must be all the guilt...”

“...”

“I'm sorry, Sakuto.”

“But I really can’t live like this.”

“Not after what happened.”

“I really can’t.”

The light embraced him...

Perhaps it was his acceptance of his predicament that allowed his last bit of determination to be channeled not into keeping him alive, but to saying the last five sentences out loud.

And outside the crystal, Sakuto, holding onto Oskar’s body and waiting, as milliseconds felt like thousands of years, heard them.

“No no no...what the fuck do you mean?!” Sakuto quickly lunged forwards. He used his remaining energy to forge a jaw and tongue for himself with his shadows, granting him the ability to properly speak, at least for the time being. “Say all of that inside the crystal and get yourself back together, come on, please!”

He noticed that the dim light inside the crystal had faded away.

Oskar’s body gave up on him before the crystal could mend his soul.

“No no no no no...” Sakuto was tossed into a state of panic. “Fuck...no! Oskar!!!” He yelled, rapidly shaking his body. The crystal lost its presence, and so did Oskar himself.

“Fuck...” He laid him down and brought his hand to his chest. He tried to start chest compressions.

“Wait...what? His organs...they’re all like mush. How the fuck did he even...?”

“No...gotta think...”

“If I use my shadows...if I can just...temporarily open him up and replace his organs with shadows...that...”

“No wait...what about the blood? He’s lost so much...fuck it, I'll transfuse my own blood into him...wait, but...compatibility and...exhaustion...and..."

“And...”

He looked back at Oskar’s corpse.

“No...” He shook his head. “No, not you...please, out of all the people, not you...”

He grabbed the crystal and he sensed the lack of anything at all inside. In a fit of rage, he tossed the now useless item aside. He kept shaking Oskar as if trying to wake him up from a really deep dream.

“No, no, no!” He yelled.

"No there's no way.”

“There's no fucking way, no, please...”

"Come on, get your shit together!" He yelled. He heard no response. At last, the reality of the situation struck him with all its might, strong enough to shatter him.

Tears began flowing. Mixed with the blood accumulated around his eye, they on the bloodied concrete beneath.

"No..."

"Why you...?"

“Out of all people...why did it have to be you...”

He continued sobbing, he found no strength within him to hold his tears back. He leaned over the body a little more, even looking at it hurt him.

“Why did you have to go...”

“Fuck...fuck this...”

“Fuck everything...”

“Why...”

“You were...the only person I had...”

“There’s....there’s no one like you...why...”

“Why did it have to be you...”

"It should've been..."

"No...what..."

"What am I gonna do?"

“What am I gonna do now without you...?”

"No."

“Please...”

“Just...”

“Why...”

All he could do was sob.

"Just..."

"Wake up...you're..."

"You look like you're asleep..."

"Wake up..."

"You said that..."

"We'd be side by side even if we were against the world..."

"So why are you gone now?"

"Hey...wake up..." He said, breaking down, holding his best friend's corpse.

The moon was still alone in the sky...