14 - Powerless

A spark of life that was losing its brightness befell onto a blank canvas, one which could understand it. One which would allow it to see its own shades. Within the confines of the unusual crystal...

“Ah, shit...”

“I’m late for class...”

Sakuto left his apartment, walking towards his school. He had his usual uniform on, his eyes wielded the unfortunate side effects of sleep-deprivation and tiredness. There was something empty residing in his iris. His hair looked ruffled and untidy, his clothes didn’t look properly ironed.

He walked slowly, as if he was dizzy or high. He didn’t know where he was going, and for what reason. He went down to the street before stopping for a bit.

[LOADING SOULFUL...]

“Grades...”

“I need good grades.”

“I need to share my good grades with my friends. I need to help them get good grades. They’ll like me more if I help them.”

He continued walking, before stopping and puking on the sidewalk.

[LOADING ASSETS...]

“I need...”

“To get to class...”

[COMPLETE!]

Another puking motion resulted in his body being torn apart, as if it were a closed sleeping bag packed with an inflating mannequin. The skin was ripped open, blood spilled on the ground, and a human with a similar build exited. With a bright spark, he regained his mind and consciousness.

He looked around, seeing the usual surroundings of Harajuku. He touched himself, he could feel his skin, he could feel the slightly hot weather. He hated sunny days, he hated feeling hot. He reached for his eyepatch, it was still there. And at last, he looked at the sky.

It looked vibrant, clear, and fractured. Lines streamed across the azure to form a hexagon-filled pattern, reminding that soul trapped inside of the crystal’s original hexagonal shape.

“So this is what it feels like here?”

“It feels just like back home.” Sakuto thought, looking around. The sun shone brighter for a moment, blinding him. Once the effect wore off, he found himself at school. The same old area that he grew so attached to and despised so much.

“What kind of shithole did that geezer get me into...” Sakuto walked around. He noticed something was off. He looked at his hands with curiosity paired with a glint of fear.

“I can’t use my soul prowess.”

“It’s like I’m back to being a soulless nobody. God damn it...”

“So what now?” He asked himself, bewildered at the scene. The noises from the school’s yard felt overwhelming, Sakuto felt a slight sense of tiredness and a light headache.

“Oi! Sakuto!” He heard a familiar voice.

“Aki?!” Sakuto turned around, seeing his old friend.

“Sakuto, how are ya?” Aki asked. “Come on, let’s go to the rest of the group.” He walked away towards them.

“Hey, wait!”

“Why are you falling behind?” Aki asked, turning around.

“I don’t feel well.” Sakuto said. “Something’s wrong.”

“What’s wrong? Everything’s fine.” Aki said. “I don’t understand you. Come on, stop being weird. Follow me.”

Sakuto felt a sharp pain in his gut. It felt like he was punched with an extraordinarily powerful force. So much so that he threw up blood, although it looked more like a display of gore created by the crystal rather than an actual internal injury.

“Hey man, what’s good?” One of Aki’s friends said, approaching Aki. Sakuto felt another such force, this time, he dropped down on the ground, holding onto his stomach. He tried to crawl around but found himself to be utterly powerless. His headache wasn’t getting any better either.

“Fuck...what...is this place?!” Sakuto asked himself. “Why am I here?!”

“It hurts...right, the nurse’s cabinet. It has some painkillers, right? If this place works like the real world...”

He heard a few laughing voices behind him.

“No, not this again...”

“Why did I see Aki just now? That guy hasn’t given the slightest of shits about my life...hey, maybe it”

“Everything in this world is as real as your mind and soul.”

Sakuto was taken aback by the voice. The source of that voice was yet to be defined. He looked around, but he couldn’t see anyone, especially since it suddenly got so dark.

“Treat this as reality, okay?”

“Just think about it.”

“Think about what?!” Sakuto thought. He was still on the ground, except instead of concrete, there was wood. He got up, and saw that he was in front of the entrance to the nurse's office. But there were some guys on the way. They were blocking the way, in fact.

“I need to get there.”

He walked forward. He tried to crawl in between the guys, the latter didn’t move, they only laughed as Sakuto got closer and closer to the door. Once he felt like he finally made it, one of the guys appeared right in front of him.

“God damn it, who are these assholes?”

Sakuto took a closer look at the person’s face.

“No way...”

“The faces from back then...they still popped up in my dreams.”

“You’re miserable.” The person said, leaning closer to Sakuto. “I don’t even remember who you are properly, I just know that you’re miserable.”

“What the hell is your problem?!” Sakuto yelled, standing up. He brushed some of the dust off of his uniform, or at least tried to. It still remained dirty, and it was probably the reason he was being laughed at. At least that’s what he thought. Sakuto tried swinging at him. The punch landed perfectly, but...it had no force.

“I swear I didn’t pull my punch back.”

“No...it’s the same feeling that I got in the university.”

“You’re weak.” The guy said, turning around and talking to his other friends. Sakuto didn’t know what to do, he struck again, but his punches didn’t even make a difference. It’s like they never even existed. He even tried kicking, but he slipped and fell down.

“I keep seeing these types of dreams even to this day...please, just get me the fuck out of here.”

“Where’s...where’s my soul prowess...”

The laughter continued, and he wasn’t even looked at. He grabbed his stomach but noticed a warm fluid slowly drip away from it. It was blood. He looked at his bloody hands and it made him want to throw up even more.

“I’ve killed people before...why can’t I just kill these guys?!”

“What do they want from me?!”

But at that point, it didn’t even look like they were laughing at him anymore. They just looked like a group of students, casually laughing, conversing, joking, but Sakuto still felt offended by it. He couldn’t put it into proper thoughts, he just glared at them with a hateful expression. That was, at least, until the scenery changed.

“Huh?” He was amazed at the sight. It was a crowd of young kids, likely half a dozen or more years younger than him. These were probably the same people, just younger. He was looking at them from a window, he was in the top floor hallway of the school building, right outside of his classroom. One kid in particular caught his attention.

The kids were outside, but the dynamic between them was strange. Everyone seemed to be a part of the conversation, which Sakuto could somehow hear, although very distinctly. But all of the remarks and laughs were directed at that one kid specifically. He looked innocent, Sakuto didn’t want to assume that, but it was true. He just watched the events happen, he saw some rather disturbing similarities.

“Treat this as the real world...”

“If I’m supposed”

“Should I help the kid out?”

“No, it’ll be social suicide. Just think about it.” Ryosuke said, looking out of the window next to him. “That’s just how the world works. If you help the outsider, you’ll be labeled an outsider.”

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“Huh...?”

“And that can’t lead to anything good, can it?” Ryosuke asked, looking at him with a genuine and earnest smile.

“What?!” Sakuto recoiled, processing the unexpected visitor. “Why are you here?”

“You did the right thing.” Ryosuke nodded. He grabbed a loaded handgun from his waist and shot himself in the mouth, just like Ryan did on that cold night. His lifeless body fell down, and once Sakuto blinked, it was gone. Only a small trail of dirt and blood remained in his place. He looked down, at his own hands, and noticed that there was blood on his uniform too.

Sakuto took a few steps back and fell on the floor. His breathing became more and more out of rhythm, he started to hyperventilate. He clenched his fists and got up.

“What the fuck...is going on...”

“Hold on. None of this is real. I can feel it, but none of this is real. Right, none of this is real. This is some kind of sick fucking joke.”

“His suicide... I never thought of it that way. If I did something, would anything change?”

“But I couldn’t do anything...”

“The soulless and their stupid systems of social garbage...”

“It’s all their fault!” He yelled, getting up and sprinting at the window. He broke through the glass with ease and jumped down. His fall felt slow, it felt more like diving into water, going deeper and deeper until he’d reach the bottom of the ocean. He was surprised he could breathe underwater like that.

Once on the ground, he looked around. There was only one kid left, the kid that was originally getting taunted. Sakuto realized that he hadn’t taken a good look at the kid’s face yet.

“This isn’t real life. That means that even if I don’t have soul prowess, I can do this type of stuff without fearing consequences.”

“Hey, are you alright?” Sakuto asked. “Were those kids messing with you?”

“No, it’s nothing. I’m fine.” The kid said. He slowly turned around.

Sakuto saw himself.

The kid had his gray, empty-ish eyes, and his dark gray hair that caused him quite a bit of trouble. He was much shorter, from his appearance, Sakuto assumed that he wasn’t older than 11 or 12. He had the same old school uniform, albeit a few sizes smaller. He wore a pair of shoes that he and his father had bought during one of their mall visits.

“Who are you?” The kid asked, taking a step back.

“I’m...how do I say this...”

“You’re scary...” the kid continued. It looked like he was about to tear up. “What do you want from me?”

Sakuto was at a loss of words after hearing that. He just stared at the kid, his hands idle, his posture stiffened.

“The good old ‘what would my younger self say about the current me’ predicament...”

“I’ve thought about this so many times.”

“I always came to this exact same answer. He’d be scared of me. He wouldn’t recognize me. He’d be disgusted by me.”

“You’re five or six years younger than me.” Sakuto said. “But you are me. I’m you from the future.”

“Really?” the kid asked.

Sakuto nodded, and there was a brief silence between them. The day got a little hotter, the sun shone even brighter, firing off its sunbeams right into their eyes.

“How’s the future?” the kid asked.

“It’s...interesting.” Sakuto said. “It’s difficult, but at some points it gets pretty interesting.”

“So in the end things get better, right?” The kid asked.

“They...”

Sakuto was silent again. Soulful life was great, but the underlying pain was great too, and unlike the happiness brought to him by the soulful world, it never faded away. He felt that it was as if the soulful life only elevated that pain.

“They don’t.” Sakuto said. “They only keep getting worse.”

“Right, you don’t know what turns your life will take yet.”

“Then why are you still alive?” The kid asked.

“I don’t know.” Sakuto said. “I really don’t know anymore. Come on, let’s go. Since calling you Sakuto would be awkward, I’ll call you...Smallkuto. Come on.” He held his hand out.

Smallkuto hesitantly held his hand, but as soon as he took his hand, he felt safe and comfortable. His eyes started to hide a smile behind them. And they walked around the school area. They were being laughed at, and Smallkuto was bothered by it, but Sakuto just kept walking...

“It’s a dream intended to push me to my limits, isn’t it?”

“Don’t pay attention to them, alright? They’re all soulless scumbags who deserve to die.”

“Soulless?” Smallkuto asked. “What does that mean?”

“It’s...complicated.” Sakuto replied. “I’ll fry your brain with things you wouldn’t believe. Just think of them as a subhuman species.”

They continued walking.

“Hey, my legs hurt...”

“Why?”

“Because my friends found out that I train martial arts, so they kept kicking me in my legs to check how strong I am.” Smallkuto said. “It didn’t hurt, but they did it quite a lot...”

“I wish I could talk to them.” Sakuto said. “Better yet, I wish I had soul prowess...this whole thing would be solved in an instant.” He crouched down, and the kid climbed on his back. He weighed surprisingly heavy, way heavier than Sakuto weighed at that age and in that body. Sakuto’s back started to hurt, like a chainsaw was shoved into his spine and was commanded to reduce the bones to dust.

“Can you take me to class?” Smallkuto asked. “But not my classes, they’re boring and painful. Take me to your classes.”

“Why do you want to go to my classes?”

“Because I wanna see what the future looks like. I hope things get better.” Smallkuto said.

“Are you sure that’s the reason?”

“I...don’t want to go back to my classes.” Smallkuto said. “I think everyone hates me there. I thought I was friends with everyone, but they hate me now...”

“What about your grades?” Sakuto asked.

“I stopped getting good grades.” Smallkuto complained. “It’s like I can’t do it anymore. I want them, though. Maybe if I get good grades, those people will like me again.”

“Right, I understand.” Sakuto sighed. “I’ll take you to my classes then.”

“This kid really knows what to say to make me zone out...well, he’s me, after all.” Sakuto thought. “I guess I’ll take him to class.”

Their walk around the school's complexes was short, but they saw a lot of faces. There were kids playing football, joking around, eating in the buffet, running around, gossipping, dancing, organizing school events, picking up garbage for charity, arguing with teachers...the two weren’t part of any of that. They just walked, seeing older and older kids the more they walked, existing in their own world.

He even saw Aki outside, talking with his other friends. They were enjoying themselves, Sakuto thought about joining in, but he detested himself for even thinking that. He thought he’d ruin the conversation.

“Is that...”

“You’re not friends with them yet, they should be laughing at you at this point in your life.” Sakuto answered. “But you’ll become friends. And later...you’ll become strangers.”

Eventually, they reached the classroom.

“You’ll see, things are better.” Sakuto said. They entered, and...

...nobody cared.

He took a seat, he listened to the teacher ramble...there wasn’t even a class taking place. The students were bunched up in small groups, all part of a much bigger group. Sakuto hated that classroom, and he himself had no idea why he chose to pursue mathematics. He questioned his own sanity every time he struggled with the subjects and couldn’t relate to anyone.

They all laughed and chatted, they showed each other whatever entertained them on their phones, they suggested class activities...one of those activities was a game the whole classroom could play, even the teacher.

But when Sakuto realized that they’d need to split into teams, he instantly refused to play. But he needed to, since the number of players needed to be even. But now, the two teams would passively fight to give Sakuto to the other team. And if he refused the game, it would all be his fault. He’d be framed as ‘the guy who ruined the fun’.

“Right...”

“The direct hate and mockery was replaced by this passive hate and isolation.”

“I get to be an outsider once again.”

“They’re not laughing at you anymore.” Smallkuto asked.

“Not in your face, at least. I’m sure they do.” Sakuto said. “But hey, something is better than nothing, right?”

“Does that mean that in the future, you won’t get any more friends?” Smallkuto asked. “I don’t wanna be alone. I wanna hang out with others.”

“You won’t be completely alone, but you’ll feel a special type of soul-crushing loneliness.” Sakuto said. “You’ll feel like nobody in the world, including the world itself, cares about you. You’ll feel like a genuine waste of life.”

“I won’t be alone?” Smallkuto asked, suddenly feeling excited, almost ignoring the rest of the sentence. “Will I get like a best friend in the future?!”

“Yeah, at least one.” Sakuto said. “But I’m sure he’s gotten tired of me.”

“Any girlfriends?”

“Almost got one. Man, she was the perfect girl.” Sakuto replied. “But life decided otherwise.”

“Do you get a job or go to university?”

“I did go to university, but not for studying.” Sakuto sighed. “And I got a job too, but it involved seeing and causing death a lot.”

“...”

“Do you hate me?” Smallkuto asked.

Sakuto smiled and looked at the ceiling.

“Yeah, I hate you.” Sakuto said. “You’re probably the person I hate the most. And when you grow up, you’ll hate me back. And you should. Because everything is our fault.”

Smallkuto got sad, it looked like he was about to cry.

“Then why are we sad when everyone else is happy?” Smallkuto asked.

“I hate this kid.” Sakuto sighed. “He asks simple but painful questions.”

“I’m forever bound to be an outsider in these environments.”

“Not much I can do against that.”

“They hate me.”

“And I hate them back.”

“And I hate myself for it.”

“And I regret being like this. I should’ve tried being less hateful.”

“Ah, my thoughts are derailing again. I know exactly how this is gonna end.”

“Hey, you don’t look so good.” Smallkuto said. “Are you okay?”

“Nah, I’m not.” Sakuto said, swinging back and forth in his chair. “You’ll be feeling this way later on too.” The noise in the classroom felt deafeningly loud, and time felt like it passed slower and slower. The clock came to a slow halt.

“It only makes sense that you’re the only person who can see that I don’t look so good. You’re me.”

“Then let’s get home.” Smallkuto said.

“Home?”

“Yeah, home. Our home.” Smallkuto said. Sakuto started dozing off, as he opened his eyes, he was already at the doorstep. But he felt like he was watching from behind a glass wall. He saw the scenery perfectly, but couldn’t access it. All he could do was watch.

Smallkuto unlocked the door and entered the house.

“No way...” Sakuto thought. “He’s younger, so that means...”

“He’s here.”

There, in the living room, he saw his father.