6 - Hollowness And Addiction

[ST. PETERSBURG]

“Make sure I never see you again.”

“Hah...”

“I’m holding my part of the bargain.”

“It feels so strangely nice being like this. So comforting...even though it’s supposed to hurt, it feels like this is just how things are supposed to be.”

Ichika was in bed. She hadn’t moved at all, nothing bothered her, not even the occasional loud thunder outside. Her eyes were open, but they looked at nothing, nor did they even process anything. All that she paid attention to was the small bottle of pills on the bedside table.

“Everything...has to be like this.”

She

She reached over to the bottle and unscrewed it, revealing the pale white tablets hidden inside. She picked one out and tossed it in her mouth before laying back down again, once more, focusing on nothing and keeping her head fully empty.

“I can just stay like this...”

“For the rest of my life.”

“Ugh, I wanna fall asleep faster...” she said to herself. A few moments later, she heard someone approach her room. Despite it being her best friend, she didn’t really want to see her.

“Ichika?” Ausra asked, bringing her a plate with a sandwich on it. She carefully put it on the bed and sat down next to her. “You haven’t been eating enough. Eat this, it’s your favorite.”

“I’m not hungry.” Ichika replied.

“Well too bad. Your stomach doesn’t care if you feel hungry or not.” Ausra said. “You know, starving yourself-”

“I’m not starving myself. I’m just not hungry.” Ichika replied, more bitterly this time.

“Right.” Ausra nodded. “You know...” she continued after a brief pause. “I think we should go out. There’s a special Heisei training session tomorrow in the morning, I wanna go there. Gotta head there later at night.”

“To see the captain?”

“Yes.” Ausra said, blushing a little. “Captain Jian Fang herself... ah, just saying her name feels like a privilege. I wanna train with her. I wanna get stronger.”

“Then go.” Ichika said, shifting her cold gaze away from her and gluing it back to the careless ceiling. She took a deep breath, as if telling Ausra to leave without even moving a muscle on her face or uttering a word.

“I can’t just leave you alone, you know?” Ausra said.

“You think I’ll do something stupid?” Ichika asked. Ausra quietly nodded.

“I’m sorry, but I’d really like to go there.” Ausra said. “And I’d like you to come with me so I can stay close to you.”

“Then stop treating me like a kid.” Ichika said. “I don’t feel like going.”

“I’ll give you until the end of the day to make up your mind.” Ausra sighed and left the room.

Ichika took a few deep breaths.

“Not even she has faith in me anymore...”

She slowly sat up and grabbed the plate. She took a bite out of the sandwich, on paper, it was food that she really enjoyed and should’ve had no problem eating. But the tastes felt so sensitively bright, the flavors rejected her. Something felt strange about it, she couldn’t bring herself to bite it more than a few times, and those weren’t even bites - they felt more like light nibbles.

“My eyes are burning up...”

“I better get some sleep.”

She laid back down.

“She would’ve had way more fun out there. I’m just dragging her down.”

“I swear...”

She leaned further towards the bedside table, grabbing the bottle again.

“Damn things stopped working...” she yawned, opening it up and tossing another tablet into her mouth. “I wanna fall asleep...”

“And will I wake up like this tomorrow as well...?”

“With every thought of mine reminding me how much of a burden I am. How I’m just...some type of parasite that latches onto things and makes them worse.”

“The selfish bitch known as Ichika...”

Frustrated that she couldn’t fall asleep again, she opened the bottle one more time. She stared at the abundance of medicine inside before dipping her hand inside and grabbing another tablet and swallowing it.

But this time, she didn’t lay back down or try closing her eyes.

“Sakuto...”

“We should’ve been together in this bed, cuddled up, talking about stuff...just spending time together...”

“But we’re not...all because of me.”

“Even if we were, I’d still feel scared. Something inside me is content with this being the reality. With me remaining the miserable bitch who spreads misery everywhere.”

“Something about that truth soothes me...and it’s scary.”

She looked at the bottle again. The pills inside started to remind her of distant ocean waves swirling into one another, almost hypnotizing her.

...

“Ichika, have you made up your mind?” Ausra said, knocking on her room. “I’m going out in an hour, you should maybe shower and get yourself ready.”

She knocked again.

“Ichika? Are you asleep?” She said, knocking much more powerfully. “Do you have earphones on? I told you not to listen to stuff on max volume, didn’t I?”

“For God’s sake, the only time I need her to-”

She opened the door, but wasn’t prepared for the scenery about to unfold before her eyes.

Ichika was, in fact, asleep. A little too sleepy, in fact. Ausra approached her, and the more she observed the scenery, the more her expression of mild annoyance would shift to that of absolute horror. The sandwich was eaten only halfway through, but it was knocked over, leaving crumbs all over the bedsheets. There was a small puddle of what looked like vomit next to it, covering a part of the sheets with an unpleasant color.

But the scariest part was the open bottle of her sleeping pills. Some of the pills were spilled out, but there was supposed to be way more inside the bottle.

“Ichika!” Ausra yelled, violently shaking her. But there was no response. She shook her even more, repeatedly yelling out her name.

“Ichika, wake up!” She yelled in despair. “What the hell did you do to yourself?!”

She reached for her neck.

“No...she’s barely got a pulse...”

“Ichika!!!” she yelled her lungs out, slapping her as hard as she could. A sudden twitch in Ichika’s eyebrows calmed her down, as she opened her eyes. They looked slightly reddened. She looked like she was about to cry.

“Ichika, what the hell is wrong with you? Why did you do this?” Ausra asked, holding back her tears. “How many did you take?!”

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“I...couldn’t sleep...” Ichika said. Aside from all the other effects, she also had a pretty unpleasant headache.

“I don’t care if you do or don’t want to go anywhere.” Ausra said, getting her phone. “I’m taking you to the hospital. You almost fucking overdosed.”

She was shocked to feel a very painful, freezing sensation in her hand that made her drop phone. It was a small shard of ice.

“You’re not taking me to a fucking psych ward.” Ichika said, tears slowly emerging in her eyes. “Just leave me alone...”

“I don’t want anything, or anyone...it feels comforting to just be forgotten.”

“I can’t do that...for fuck sake, Ichika, what if you died?” Ausra asked.

“And so what?” Ichika smiled a little.

“You...what...?” Ausra asked again. “You what?!”

“What if I just wanna stay like this?” Ichika asked. “What if I don’t want to do anything else?”

“...huh?”

“Everything I do causes others pain, so I just...won’t do anything...” Ichika said, her voice gradually getting lower and lower. “I’m fine with just rotting here, like this.”

“But, you can’t.” Ausra said.

“Why, because you have this necessity to save me?” Ichika asked, more aggressively. “Stop being so selfish, Ausra! Stop trying to fucking save me for no reason, I’m way beyond that point! Just...leave me alone!”

“S-selfish?” Ausra asked herself, in utter disbelief.

“You...”

“You can’t let go of that one thing keeping you full, can you?”

“It’s okay, Ichika.”

“I understand.”

“But you made me really fucking angry.”

The hotel’s wall burst open, with debris flying out as a result of the powerful explosion. Ichika slowly reopened her eyes, she was outside, on the ground, her face covered in dust.

She slowly stood up, both unable to believe what was unfolding and incapable of caring too much about it.

“Come on, Ichika.” Ausra said, looking at her from their number. “It’s about time I beat some fucking sense into you!”

She chucked a highly explosive pebble at Ichika. At the last second, Ichika conjured up a rather large ice shield to block it. To her surprise, the explosive shattered the shield completely.

“Ausra...?”

Ausra jumped down and walked towards her.

“Beyond saving, huh? Being selfish, huh?” Ausra asked, furious. “You’re not trapped in a cycle of awful shit. You’re enjoying it.”

“What?” Ichika asked.

“You heard me!” Ausra said, quickly rushing in and trying to slap Ichika again. Ichika blocked that attack, and to her surprise, Ausra quickly dodged to the side and delivered a nasty kick to her stomach. She tried to follow it up, Ichika quickly opened the distance and avoided combat as much as she could.

“What are you saying?” Ichika said, blocking an onslaught of small explosive bits and debris. “What do you mean I’m enjoying it?”

“Must be nice, huh? Not doing anything to fix your life, and whenever you’re reminded of how shit it is, you just keep blaming yourself.” Ausra said. “You think there’s nothing else but suffering for you, don’t you?!”

Ausra rushed at Ichika again, but this time, something felt off.

“Yes.”

Ichika’s response was followed by a large formation of ice emerging from the ground and shattering the asphalt and concrete below. It knocked Ausra back quite a bit and dealt some heavy damage to her. Ausra regained her footing on top of the ice and heard an impressively fast ice spear wheeze right past her left ear. It scared her a little. But her soul didn’t waver.

“Because at least this way, I have something in my life.” Ichika said, a tear slowly streaming down her face. Even she herself was scared by that spear.

“She’s stronger than me. Even in this state, she’s extremely dangerous.”

Ausra took a deep breath.

“I’ll have to kick my own voltage up.”

“In order...”

Her presence suddenly skyrocketed.

“To help her.”

“Divine Acclamation.”

Ichika watched in shock. She took a few steps back, unable to process the idea of her friend not only having an acclamation, but also using it against her.

“Chain Detonation”

Ausra, however, never felt this way before. She didn’t feel any of the insurmountable hatred Sakuto felt, or any of the determination that coursed through Ichigo’s veins. She felt a strong desire to protect, help and save. Even if her acclamation was anything but protection.

It was a unique phase-based acclamation. There was only one phase, and the ‘release’ of the acclamation spelled its end.

The acclamation granted a special firework property to Ausra’s soul expression. Every time she fired off explosive fireworks from her hands, which was what she continuously did against Ichika, explosive dust imbued with soul prowess would scatter across the battlefield. Once the phase changed, once the explosives were triggered, all of the dust would be detonated at once, resulting in an exceptionally destructive event.

Ausra obviously restrained herself a lot. There were a lot of citizens in the area, most had no time to evacuate or no warnings that such a calamity would unfold. And of course, she had no intention of killing Ichika. This was done to help her.

Ichika didn’t fight back against Ausra’s advances, she just reinforced her body with as much soul prowess and ice as she could and just absorbed the blows one after another, occasionally using small ice blasts to keep Ausra away.

“Don’t you get it?” Ausra asked while launching arrays of fireworks at her. The dust began slowly building up. “This is no way to live!”

“I don’t know of any other way...” Ichika said. “This is what I deserve-”

“You do know about it, you’re just in denial!” Ausra yelled. “You have to get rid of it!”

She unleashed another barrage of fireworks at Ichika, who blocked and sliced up all of them with her blade. Her head still hurt, she felt nauseous. She had zero fighting voltage, in fact, she had zero voltage whatsoever.

“Get rid of what...?” Ichika asked. Suddenly, Ausra’s presence reached a level never seen before.

“I have to limit myself as much as possible...”

“But at the same time...”

“To get rid of your addiction to misery.” Ausra said. She clasped her hands.

The air around her sparked, and so did parts of the surrounding area. They shone brighter and brighter, creating a rather powerful presence. The dimming effect was already taking its toll on the almost defenseless Ichika, but this would almost knock her out unconscious. Ausra may not have known it, but she was playing with fire.

“Divine Acclamation Release:”

The sparks grew blindingly bright...

“Full Detonation!!!”

...

“Ichika...” Ausra said, looking around, coughing up some dust. “Ichika! Where are you?”

She finally saw a figure standing atop a pile of ruins. The collateral damage, even with severely limited power, was extreme. She looked scared and a little confused.

“No, no...” Ausra said, rushing towards her. A look at Ichika’s face told her that maybe she overdid it a little. She looked genuinely lost.

“I’m sorry...” Ausra quickly hugged Ichika, starting to cry. “I...I lost my temper. I thought...”

“What were you talking about?” Ichika asked.

“W-huh?”

“The addiction thing...”

“Ah, t-that...” Ausra tried to calm herself down, but she didn’t get rid of the embrace. “I noticed something in people...whenever they’re empty, they look for something to fill that emptiness with. And if they’re sad, the sadness enters the empty space, and makes you feel content...”

Ichika quietly sobbed. She looked like she realized something strong enough to stab her right in the heart.

“Was...was I right?”

“I don’t know what to do...” Ichika cried. “I’m sorry...”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Ausra quickly tried to comfort her.

“I’m so sorry, I forgot how many I took...I just wanted to sleep...” Ichika cried more and more, hugging Ausra even tighter. “I’m sorry...It’s...”

“It’s okay.” Ausra smiled through the tears. She slowly patted Ichika’s head. “What matters is that you’re fine.”

“Ausra...”

“Hm?”

“How do I get rid of it...” Ichika asked. “If I ruin everything...how can I find something to make me feel content...and fulfilled...”

“I...” Ausra didn’t really know what to answer. “You need to work on yourself, I guess. And you need to try fixing things too. Maybe there’s some things that you can fix.”

“Like...” Ichika’s eyes sparkled a little, but fell even deeper into sadness a moment later. “Sakuto...”

“Huh? What is it about him?” Ausra eagerly asked.

“Do you think if I can talk things out with him, everything will work out?” Ichika asked.

“I...can’t promise you that. You were both in an awful mental state when you ‘broke up’. You need some time to heal, and while that time might’ve passed for you, it might not have for him.” Ausra said. “I’ll talk to Oskar. We’ll try to arrange a meeting for you two to talk things over.”

“T-thank you...” Ichika said. She broke down crying, but this wasn’t out of despair, it was just her emptying all of her feelings out. And Ausra felt every single tear, and kept Ichika company.

Some time later, they had to leave the area, make a few phone calls to their boss explaining what happened, and find a new place to crash. As they left the area, Ausra felt content, but also a little worried.

“I know they want to be together. That they can be together. I know that they’ll be the best thing for each other.”

“It’s me and Oskar’s job to make sure they have the chance to make things right.”

“But I wonder...”

“If Ichika’s in a state like this...”

“Just what state is Sakuto in?”