7 - The Warm Thought Of Giving Up

The weather hadn’t changed much the next day. It was still raining outside, at noon. The sky was darkened. The church was surrounded in small puddles of rainwater, the droplets crafting playful ripples upon contact. A pair of crows cawed loudly, flying from one electricity pole to another.

Inside that church, there were only old wooden benches, the altar, and Sakuto himself. He covered his scars with white bandages, making it appear as a basic injury that wouldn’t be questioned too much. He sat on the third row, his eyes closed, his head down.

“I really am running out of options...”

“Dad used to go to church, but I guess God decided that he wasn’t good enough and took him away.”

He raised his head. The silence in the church was accompanied by the rain outside. It felt strangely comforting, but silence wasn’t what Sakuto sought.

“Hey, maybe connecting with God can act like some type of sedative or therapy...would be nice to get some actual sedatives too, but I’m scared I won’t be able to function without them.”

He noticed the priest approach the altar. He was an older man, covered in black robes and a bushy gray beard. He wore a golden cross necklace and an assortment of rings. A subtle smile appeared on his wrinkled face as he saw Sakuto, he was glad to see someone in the church. Not too many people have visited this place lately. But that smile would soon fade away, be impeached by a concerned glance. He saw that the teen was badly hurt.

“Does something trouble you?” The priest asked, approaching him.

“A lot of things.” Sakuto sighed. He sat down on the first row bench. “There’s a lot of things I need to worry about.”

“He might be an agent. He might have connections to others. This might be a trap.”

“And he might even mock me, or...”

“Ugh, what the actual fuck is wrong with me...I can’t even trust a priest?!”

“Is this your first time in a church?” The priest asked.

“No, but...I don’t even know if I’m religious.” Sakuto said. “I believe that some higher power exists, but I never really went too deep into religion. Dad used to read the bible, back when he was alive, at least...”

“Is it grief that’s hurting you?” The priest asked, sitting down next to him.

“Grief, regrets, mistrust, loneliness, maybe even sickness and heartbreak...it’s a whole five-star meal.” Sakuto said. He leaned his head back, staring at the beautifully decorated ceiling of the church. “I’m a soulful, you know? One of the strongest soulfuls in the world. And here I am, sitting on this bench like a wimp, wasting your time...

“That's all I’ve ever been.” He said, smiling and shifting his gaze to the curious priest. ”A fucking burden. My bad, I forgot that swearing in church is a bad thing.”

“You’ve been through a lot.” The priest said. “You have unhealed scars. Have you fought in the war?”

“I was the reason the war ended.” Sakuto said.

“Oh-uhh, okay...” The priest was surprised, but tried to hide that feeling out of respect. “I’ve known many soldiers, I served in the army myself. It must be painful to live with the burden of taking a life.”

“I only feel bad about one life that I’ve taken.” Sakuto sighed. “But I had to. It was an order. If I disobeyed, I would’ve died.”

“I understand.” The priest said, putting his palm on Sakuto’s shoulder, trying to comfort him. Howls of wind could be heard outside, they were starting to calm down, letting the raindrops control the stage and play their calming melody. After a shared silence, the priest spoke again.

“Would you like to pray?”

“Don’t know any prayers.” Sakuto said.

“We can read and say them together.” The priest suggested.

“What’s the most effective prayer?” Sakuto asked. “One that, you know, you say it, and you feel enlightened and all your problems go away?”

“I don’t think such a prayer exists, unfortunately. Prayers don’t abide by the concept of efficiency or strength.” The priest explained. “Every prayer is a message to God, they connect you more with him and allow his grace and kindness to bless your soul.”

“In that case, are there any prayers that feel like you’re being hugged?” Sakuto asked. He was serious about it, and the priest saw that, and he felt bad. He felt really bad.

“Have you been deprived of that sensation?” He asked.

“You can’t tell?” Sakuto asked, half-sarcastically. “I thought priests study psychology.”

“I have, actually. The art of the human psyche is fascinating.” the priest nodded.

“So what do you suggest we do?”

“Let’s say a prayer together. Just read along.” The priest replied. His face was overtaken by sadness. When Sakuto asked him the question about the prayer, he looked like a lost kid.

He took a small book with an old brown cover out of his robes. He flicked through the old pages until he found the prayer he desired.

“Let’s do this one.” The priest said, pointing at one of the texts with his finger. The font was slightly difficult to read.

“Okay.” Sakuto nodded, looking at the book.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...”

“I will fear no evil-” The priest stopped, seeing that Sakuto had stopped too. The latter was just staring at the page but not moving a muscle or uttering a word. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry...” A shaky breath escaped Sakuto’s lungs, as he couldn’t take his eye off of the book. “I zoned out a little. I just... I really didn’t want to kill him...”

“I understand you-”

“All those other lives, even if they were just civilians, I couldn’t care less...” Sakuto said, his eye reddening a little bit. His face became a little wrinkled. “But...why him? He even offered me friendship...”

Sakuto felt a soul presence enter the church. He forgot about the priest, he quickly turned around and saw the soulful. He was a man in his 50s wearing a large trench coat, with a brown beard and similar brown hair.

“Never thought soulfuls went to church. Actually, it makes sense.” The man said, approaching the two. “Oh, don’t worry. Continue your prayers.”

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to leave us for a bit.” Sakuto told the priest, quickly getting up and summoning his weapon. “You should probably leave the church too for your safety.”

“Hey, relax, I’m not stupid enough to try and fight you.” The man said. “Come on, really? Violence in the temple of God? I’m here to help you out. A little birdie called Kaito sent me to get you, he told me you’re around.”

“Who the hell are you?” Sakuto asked.

“Name’s Fedor Vladimirovich.” the man said, extending his hand. Sakuto hesitantly shook it, sheathing his blade back into nothingness. “Relax, I’ve washed my hands. At least I hope I did.”

“And did Mr. Kamiki object to me praying so hard that he sent a hobo to interrupt the process?” Sakuto asked. “You could be an agent.”

“You don’t know it yet, but I’m exactly the person you’re looking for.” Fedor said. “A lot of people wanted us to meet, actually.”

“You’re an agent.” Sakuto said. He summoned his blade again and pointed it at Fedor.

“Hey, I’m not! Here...hold on...” Fedor quickly got his phone out, showing recent calls with Kaito and his number registered as ‘delusional prick’. “Here's your proof. Also no weapons in church!”

“Mr. Kamiki?” Sakuto said, already on his phone. “There’s a hobo, I mean, a man who calls himself Fedor. He has a beard, graying hair, and looks like he drinks pure ethanol instead of water.”

“Follow his instructions.”

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“Right.” Sakuto said, hanging up the call. He was still distrustful, so he now tried listening to what the man had to say.

“I’m a therapist, Sakuto.” Fedor said. “Pretty scary, right? Bet you’ve never seen one.”

“Kaito is getting me therapy?” Sakuto asked, not even believing the situation. “Why?”

“It’s not just therapy. I’m not a therapist, I’m a soulful therapist. I deal with soulfuls specifically. I’ve known Kaito for a long while.”

“That’s cool.” Sakuto said, turning around. “Anyways, I’m leaving.”

“You’re scared.”

“What?” Sakuto asked, turning back.

“Just think about what I said.” Fedor continued. “You’re so used to this misery you can’t imagine your life without it.”

“Or I know that lying on an armchair and talking to someone while I pay them isn’t gonna help me.” Sakuto said. “You can always get therapy by just talking to the right person.”

“And sometimes, that right person is yourself.” Fedor said. “Some things you just have to deal with on your own. But you can’t.”

“How do you know that?”

“Just look at yourself.” Fedor said. “I feel bad for you.”

“I don’t know who the fuck you are.” Sakuto said. “Why is Kaito suddenly so obsessed with my mental health?”

“Sakuto, the reason is that your divine acclamation has dropped in power tremendously. It’s not that you limited your strength when you unleashed it in the university, you just couldn’t bring it out.” Fedor said. “You know your strength and value as a soldier.”

“Right.”

“There are very scary soulfuls lurking around, and they’re willing to wrestle with the GSC for their personal goals or ideals. And the strongholds are a complete mess. Kaito needs you to be at your absolute strongest for whatever shitshow is about to unfold.” Fedor continued. “But that’s besides the point. Kaito cares about you. Apparently, your initial divine acclamation made him shed a tear.”

“Good to hear, now fuck off. I don’t have classes today, let me enjoy my day in peace instead of playing pretend.”

“If you don’t get your shit together, your soul will lose all of its willpower.” Fedor said. “And the soul is linked to the mind. By that point, you’d be in a bad enough state to, you know...equate your heart rate to zero. Or bite the dust. Or, you know, intentionally mistake cleaning acid for lemonade.”

“I get it!” Sakuto barked.

“I’ve got a special method for getting soulfuls back in shape.” Fedor said. “It’s called the ‘Soul Crystal’ treatment.”

“And what’s that?” Sakuto asked. “Do you snort crystal meth as a soulful?”

“Your soul gets trapped into a special crystal that I make with my soul expression.” Fedor said. “There, it does its thing, and reignites your willpower. Sounds crazy, right?”

“You lost me at the getting trapped part.” Sakuto said, leaving the church.

“What was he like when you talked to him?” Fedor asked the priest, watching the soulful leave. “You two shared a moment, right? I need to know. He’s very, very important.”

“He...” The priest hesitated, but eventually folded under Fedor’s pressuring gaze. “He seemed lost.”

“Right.” Fedor said. “Good enough, sorry for causing a mess.” He pulled his phone out and made another call.

“I told you he wouldn’t wanna.”

“Then convince him.”

“I don’t know what you want from me, Mukawa. You, Kaito, and some soulful chemistry teacher, you all want me to put Sakuto inside the soul crystal. And then there’s folk from the Eura Stronghold, who just straight up threaten me to do so.”

“You’ll focus on working for our cause.”

“What you’re doing is gambling.” Fedor said. “Even if he does get into the crystal, I can’t influence the process, nor can I predict how he will come out...or how long it will take him to do so.”

Once he hung up the phone, the priest approached him.

“Do you think you’ll actually manage to...help that boy?” He asked. “I don’t know much about these soulful affairs, but if you have some kind of special treatment, do you truly believe it will help him?”

“I haven’t the slightest clue.” Fedor shrugged with complete honesty. “The hard part isn’t treating him, it’s getting him to accept the treatment.”

...

“What the hell...”

“...”

“I’m getting weaker, huh?”

“Makes sense.”

“Can’t even do one thing right.”

He walked through the rain, the droplets hitting his head and slowly dripping down his face. Sakuto was zoned out, he walked without knowing that he did so, but at least he went in the right direction. He felt sleepy and awake at the same time.

He passed by the campus, where no one was outside, except a small group of students who went outside just because of the rain. They were having fun. Sakuto walked down the road more, he looked at the old convenience store - there was a homeless man, cozily wrapped in warm sheets, laying inside - the workers were helping him and giving him food and shelter.

He walked more, he saw a stray dog walking through the rain, splashing water around as its little paws moved in the puddles. There was no thunder yet, just the rain. Maybe it was why the dog wasn’t scared, it was just strolling on the street, maybe it was enjoying the rain.

Finally, Sakuto reached his hotel number. His clothes were wet, but he paid no attention to them. He entered the elevator, there were some strangers inside, but he didn’t care. They were probably tourists. Sakuto grazed his finger over the buttons, and they pointed at the one with “13” written on it, both with numbers and in braille. The elevator started its slow ascend, the couple reached their floor, Sakuto reached his own floor...he was still unfazed.

He slowly walked over to his number, He opened the door, he found himself confused. What should he do first? He felt lost. He took his shoes off, took his soaked wet puff jacket off and hung it, then changed into his home clothes and went straight to his bed.

He finally laid down.

“I was good at fighting, everyone said that...no, not everyone, Ichika never told me she was impressed by my divine acclamation...”

“Not even good as a weapon.”

“Kouta would be disappointed...shit, everyone would be. They’d all hate me.”

“What makes you think you’re weak?” Kouta asked. Well, he didn’t actually ask that. Nor was it his soul or spirit asking him that question. Sakuto imagined that if Kouta were here, he would ask that. So he just went along with it. He was quite the daydreamer.

“Because I’m getting weaker, you know?” Sakuto imagined his answer would be. He stretched a little in bed, checked his phone, found there to be exactly zero interesting things, and put it aside again. “And let me guess, you’d say that I’m not weak?”

“You’re not weak.” Kouta said.

“Nah, you wouldn’t say that.” Sakuto sighed, imagining the interaction going south. “You’d be disappointed in me, wouldn’t you?”

“And if Hayk was here...”

“I don’t even know what he would say.” Sakuto said to himself, shutting down that scenario before it had even started.

“Maybe if Ichika was here, she’d...ugh, fuck off, why do I keep thinking about her? The ship has sailed already.”

“Hey, if I text you, invite you to talk things over, and give you the biggest hug ever, you’ll become strong, right?” Ichika asked. Sakuto imagined that scenario playing out against his will, and it charmed him.

“There, there, it’s okay.” Sakuto imagined. “And then it’d be like, I’d say something like, yeah, I love you, let’s try again, and she’d agree...fucking hell...imagine if that happened...”

“I know none of this will ever happen.”

“In another world, I’d have Kouta right by my side. He’d pat me on the back and tell me it will all be alright.” Sakuto said to his non-existent audience. “He was the one who wanted me to be strong. I wish I would’ve been more careful. I wish I was more careful back then...”

“And that Jackal guy, I wish I would’ve taken his offer. I really do wish I did that. He’d probably tell me a few nice words too.” Sakuto imagined. “Hey, dude, what’s up with you? He’d say something like that. And then we’d talk, we’d have some quality bonding time together...”

“Or maybe if Hayk was here, I...”

Sakuto took a deep breath.

“Every time I think life is getting better, it all goes to shit.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Life is pretty bad.” Kouta said in his imaginary scenario.

“It would’ve been better if you never joined us.” Hayk said. “No, wait, that’s not what I’d wanna hear from him. He should support me too in this.”

“Dude, no way, why are you so sad? Come on, let’s talk about it.” Oskar said. “And then I’d say something about me not wanting to keep going anymore. And he’d ask me more about it, I wonder how he’d react. I wonder what he’d say if I told him I just want to be done with all of this. That it never gets better. Would he agree? Maybe, but if I do end up talking to him about this stuff, it’d just hurt him, right?”

“The less people think about me, the less I will hurt them. Should I make him hate me in that case? Nah, I can’t. I need him to keep going, but...what if I don’t even want to keep going?”

“You know what, I should be allowed to talk to him about this type of stuff. He’d hear me out, right? But then again...fuck...”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“I’ll just end up disappointing everyone. Because it’s obvious that had I done things differently, all of this crap would’ve been better...”

“If I just...”

A seemingly wholesome image struck his mind, and it shattered him.

“Dad...”

“You wouldn’t want me to go through this type of life, would you?”

“I was a pain in the ass, wasn’t I? And I couldn’t even make you happy, right? I...and you’re looking down at me, and....you...you can’t even...”

He broke down crying.

Tears slowly ran down his face as he sobbed and tried to talk to himself. His voice was broken apart, his breathing completely irregular, his nose full of snot. He held his legs a little, almost as if assuming a fetal position.

“If I just lived a different life...”

“Maybe I’d make you happy.”

He continued crying. The day didn’t care, the time didn’t move forward faster for him to liberate him from this prison of emotions. The clock kept ticking at the exact speed. The people who were happy remained happy, the people who were upset remained upset. The world didn’t care that he was crying, it remained the exact same.

At that moment, only he cared about it.