2 - Together High Up

...

“I felt lonely.”

“Yeah, I felt lonely. That’s what I’ve been feeling all this time. I was feeling lonely, and that feeling grabbed me by my throat sometimes and didn’t let go. I felt like I was running out of breath, like my throat was breaking down. It was scary.”

“But now I feel something weird. It’s like I’m experiencing withdrawal from loneliness. It’s strange. Really strange. A part of me wants to go back to how things were, to my miserable self. But why? Why do I not want to be happy?”

“Is it because I’m scared that I’ll lose myself? But that can’t happen. I’m right here.”

“This is me. I am Sakuto Hitori. I am the person thinking this, I am the person that can think, make decisions and act on my behalf. I am me. I can’t be anyone else. But will I become someone else if I change too much?”

“It’s like the ship of Theseus. If all these parts of myself are changed and replaced, am I still Sakuto Hitori? Yeah, I am. I am, and always have been, Sakuto Hitori.”

“So why did I not live for Sakuto Hitori back then? Well, it’s because I didn’t know yet. I changed. But if I never changed, I wouldn’t have become my true self. Does that mean that my true self is the version of me that didn’t change, or that did? Will I become another Sakuto Hitori if I’m not Sakuto Hitori anymore? Will I still be Sakuto Hitori?”

“That’s such a stupid question. Of course I’m Sakuto Hitori. But if Sakuto Hitori from a while ago met the current Sakuto Hitori, he wouldn’t recognize him. So what is my real self?”

“My real self is this. I am Sakuto Hitori, and this is me. This is my body, this is the mind that’s overthinking everything, and this is my soul that’s in my body. My soul is what makes me special.”

“What does a Sakuto Hitori without a soul look like? Does someone like him even deserve to exist? No, they don’t. There is only one Sakuto Hitori, and that one is the one with a soul. But if I was soulless, would I also not be myself? Or would I be someone else?”

“I’m Sakuto Hitori.”

“I want to stay like this.”

“That’s right, I’m not changing. I’m evolving, right? I went from an unawakened soulful, to an awakened soulful, to a complete soulful, and now, I’m one of the strongest soulfuls in the world. I evolve.”

“The same way I don’t feel lonely anymore.”

“But wait, I do feel lonely. I still sometimes feel lonely. Did I not evolve? Is loneliness something that’s bound to my existence?”

“There’s Ichika.”

“She’s a girl I really love. And she loves me back. She understands me better than anyone else, she’s fun, she’s pretty, she’s smart. Why do I still feel lonely? Why do I want to feel lonely?”

“I can finally say that I feel happy. I have everything that needs to be in place to make me happy. So why is this the case? What’s the case with me? What’s wrong with me? Is she going to hate me because of it? No, I don’t want that to be the case. Or do I? Because if she does hate me, she’ll leave me, I’ll get to be alone again. What’s the difference between being alone and lonely? Do I want to be alone or lonely? What part of Sakuto Hitori is defined by loneliness or being alone?”

“The abyss will latch onto you.”

“Is that what he meant?”

“No matter how fast I run and how bright the way ahead is, it’ll still keep chasing me down. Trying to drown me.”

“It feels like going to a swimming pool. It’s cold at first, but then the water gets warmer and warmer. You feel more and more comfortable. And then, once you want to get out, you feel cold. The wind feels really cold. The floor is slippery and makes you hold onto something so as not to fall down. But you have to leave. If you keep staying in that pool, you’ll shrivel up and drown.”

“I don’t know. I don’t care.”

“I just don’t want her to leave me. I don’t want her to ever leave me. I’m scared of having someone leave me again. There were so many people that did it. I love Ichika. I love her so so so so much.”

“But how many people did you leave?”

“Imagine if this was Jackal asking these questions to me. He’s somehow bound to my soul, right? Imagine if it was me and him talking to each other right now, like this.”

“How many people did I leave? I don’t know. I lost count. I don’t want to remember them. But it’s okay, they’re soulless.”

“But is it because they’re soulless?”

“Yeah.”

“But you didn’t know that they were soulless back then.”

“I’d be able to tell right away that they are. They’re soulless.”

“What would they say about you?”

“They wouldn’t say anything. They probably already forgot about me. They’re soulless.”

“What if others forget about you too?”

“No, that won’t happen.”

“It’s not the case.”

“No no no no no. It’s not. Ichika won’t leave me.”

“Imagine if this was me and Jackal talking about this. He’d say that I’ll be fine, right? Imagine. If this was a conversation between us, he’d make sure I keep running.”

“Please. I don’t want her to hate me. I want to be with her. I want to hold onto her. She keeps me stable. She keeps me happy. She made sure I don’t cut myself again. Is she even real? Yeah, pretty sure she is. She is. She’s real. It feels really nice when we hug. I love hugs. Please, just don’t leave me. I love you. Please. Just don’t-”

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“Sakuto?” Ichika said, leaning over the couch on which Sakuto was... asleep? Or maybe even unconscious, or dead? She pressed her finger onto his cheek. “What are you doing?”

“Just thinking about stuff.” Sakuto said, slowly opening up his eyes. The first thing he saw was a pair of curious emerald eyes observing him. He found them awfully attractive, alongside the rest of Ichika’s body, and really just about everything about her.

“Does your presence go up every time you think?” Ichika asked.

“Dunno.”

“What about this?” She said, pointing at his freshly awakened crotch.

“It’s a soulful phenomena.” Sakuto said. “As Heisei agents, we need to investigate it immediately. Hold on... what’s this smell? Is this-”

“Since you spent the whole morning thinking about soulful phenomena, I made us some food.”

“Is it edible?”

“I think.”

“Good.” Sakuto got up, stretching to his heart’s content and headed to the kitchen. He saw the small kitchen table, decorated by a white and red table cloth.

“Only one plate?” Sakuto asked, looking at the table which seemed slightly empty.

“My bad.” Ichika said, quickly rushing over to him and reaching for the cupboard. But before she grabbed the plate with her hands, a pair of shadowy hands snatched it from in front of her.

“For God’s sake, can you stop doing this shit?” Ichika asked, a little frustrated. “I get it. You somehow have this ability. You don’t have to try to look cool all the time.”

“Oh come on, it’s fun!” Sakuto said. He stood completely still, and used his shadows to grab a glass and a water bottle and pour himself a drink. He didn’t even open his mouth, he used his shadows to pry it open and tossed the water in, almost choking. After doing it for a little bit, he noticed that the water stopped flowing. He looked down and saw that the glass, and the water, were both transfigured into ice.

“You’re just jealous your abilities aren’t as cool as mine.” Sakuto said.

“I can turn your leg into an icicle.” Ichika replied.

“Fair enough.” Sakuto said. Ichika went to the pan and grabbed two small objects which could, if observed from a different dimension by a species which recognizes no time and space but only abstract lines, resemble grilled cheese. She put them on Sakuto’s plate and looked at him with pride in her eyes.

“Go on.” She ordered. “Eat.”

“Your wish is my command.” Sakuto said without even realizing it, and shoved the food into his mouth. He fully expected to throw up, but he actually enjoyed it quite a bit.

“So...?”

“I didn’t instantly want to gouge my eyes out.” Sakuto said, taking another bite. “Should tell you enough. It’s good.”

“I’m happy that you like it.” She smiled, sitting by the table. “I totally thought I screwed up again.”

“There, she said that she’s happy.” Sakuto thought, indulging in the food. “And I feel happy that she’s happy.”

“We share this mutual happiness, despite both of us being deep veterans of the abyss.”

“This is exactly what I saw in that dream.”

Sakuto’s phone rang.

“It’s Kaito Kamiki.” Sakuto said with his mouth still stuffed. It was so stuffed, in fact, that it would either cause him to pick the call up late in order to swallow properly, or to miss the call completely. And that was the one person missing a call from whom would be a very, very bad decision.

“I’ll pick it up.” Ichika said, extending her arm. But Sakuto already took care of the problem.

He shoved a shadow tentacle into his mouth and covered the half-chewed food in shadows, creating a small ball. He spat the ball out into his hand. Ichika watched, almost shocked.

“Hello? Mr. Kamiki?” Sakuto asked, picking up the call.

“Are you available to discuss critical details?”

“Yeah.”

“...”

“Right.”

“...”

“A-where?”

“...”

“Right. I understand.”

“...”

“Very well.”

Sakuto hung up the call. He quickly dismembered the shadow ball that he was bouncing on the floor and tossed the food back into his mouth, finishing chewing it and swallowing it.

“What?” Sakuto asked Ichika. “You would’ve done the same. I’m scared to imagine what you do with your ice.”

“Just...explain what the call was about.” Ichika said, returning to reality.

“He said that we gotta move to Warsaw.” Sakuto said. “Apparently one of the strongholds is exploding and we need to take care of it. There’s some woman we have to meet there. She’ll tell us more details.”

“Right. And when do we gotta move?”

“Right about now.” Sakuto said. “Come on, let’s pack up. Or we can just hope that the hotel Mr. Kamiki prepared for us has everything.”

“They’re not sending in the Heisei?”

“They are. That’s why they’re sending us in.” Sakuto said. “Apparently this is a pretty massive operation. I’m curious about something though.”

“Hm?”

“There’s a chance that the people behind Nacht are the very same people we will be working against soon.” Sakuto said.

“Is that a good thing?”

“It is.” Sakuto said. “I’ll get to beat the shit out of whoever was responsible for that creature. And I might have ended up like him if their team got to the soul crystal first.”

“I see.” Ichika said. “Go get yourself ready. I’ll pack our baggage. And stop playing with these stupid shadows!”

She chucked an icicle at Sakuto, who was tossing the plates around in the air and catching and throwing them around with shadow tentacles. A loud cracking sound indicated that one of the plates had struck its arch nemesis - the floor. Sakuto dodged the icicle and quickly cleaned up the mess.

He dipped into the shadows and emerged right at the entrance of the bathroom. Ichika glared at him, as that is the signature move he uses to get to the bathroom before her in the morning.

“The more I trained, the better I got at using shadow manipulation.”

Ichika watched, but beneath her frustration, there was a playful smile. She enjoyed his company, she enjoyed his presence, and it made her feel safe. She heard the shower turn on inside.

“I love him.”

“I really do love him.”

She went towards the window and looked outside. The wind caused her hair to dance along its tune. The sky was just perfect - completely covered in clouds, but the outside was still brightly illuminated. Everything just felt safe.

“I’m sure that he loves me too. Yeah, I know that much. I know for sure that he loves me.”

“And I’m still scared. Scared of him leaving me.”

“But I need to keep going. I need to keep going even if it’s scary and it can cause me pain. I need to keep going because if he does and I don’t, I’ll drag him down and make him hate me.”

“Whenever I hug him, I feel safe. And he feels safe too.”

“This is literally just... perfect. It’s like everything is perfect. It even feels a little too perfect. What if something happens? What if I do something wrong? What if he does?”

“...”

“That’s what trust is for, right?”

“Trusting the other person, and trusting that the other person trusts you...”

“Sakuto?” Ichika approached the bathroom door again. “How much do you love me?”

“Too much to put into words.” Sakuto said. “I’d come out and hug you but, you know, I’m kinda in the middle of something now.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

A small shadowy string emerged from beneath the door. It turned into a shadowy hand which tightly held Ichika’s. Ichika squeezed it and gave it a silent and staring smile.