Every change starts with a small step.

I looked at my list with such thoughts.

[ ⋆˚࿔ Action Plan to Avoid Certain Death And Live Happily Ever After 𝜗𝜚˚⋆]

➤ [ ] Sleep without Priyanka's help.

While the title was extreme, the first task was something that even a small child could do.

The task was simple, but it was far from easy.

I wasn't sleeping with Priyanka just because it was comfortable; for me, this was a matter of life or death.

The last time I tried to sleep alone, I almost had a panic attack. Not only did I have a nightmare that shook my mental state, but by losing control, I became so unstable that I almost cracked my gem.

It was the first time since I came into this world that I tried to sleep.

At most, I had fainted a few times in Kindergarten due to the excessive use of my powers.

To begin with, gems didn't need to sleep. I could easily get by without it.

However, that didn’t mean sleep wasn’t beneficial to gems.

My brain was already constantly active throughout the day, and fatigue was building up day after day.

An ordinary Gem would naturally always be at their best, because they're always in a state of regeneration.

Dark energy was available everywhere; it was as if they always had their cell phone plugged in.

Yet, my Gem was not just cracked—it was overloaded. Every part of my body was draining energy.

At this very moment, while I was thinking I could feel energy being constantly drained to allow it.

But I discovered something peculiar while sleeping. Gems could also replenish energy in their bodies through sleep.

In the same way as humans, Gems could dream and rest. They simply didn’t do it because they didn’t need to.

I could still live my life without sleeping and function without problems, but it felt like my battery was always in the red. By sleeping, I was activating my Gem's economy mode.

Not only did my thoughts become clearer, but even small things—like my mood—were more stable the next day.

For someone like me, whose self-control was a serious issue to consider, sleep became a tool I couldn't afford to leave out of my arsenal.

However, there were conditions to enjoying its benefits.

I needed to feel safe.

If this condition were not met, I would not only lose the benefits of sleep but could also suffer serious mental damage. In this case, sleep would become a harmful act.

Even so, it was still worth the risk. In the long run, I'd be building a reserve of energy that could be used in emergencies.

This allowed me to train my powers for longer periods or handle dangerous situations more effectively.

I added a small condition below the task.

▷ Find a way to regulate your mind before bed.

The logic was simple. If I were in a good mood before sleeping, the chance of having a nightmare would reduce significantly.

Usually, when my mind is turbulent, I try to suppress my thoughts. This wasn't because I wanted it, but because this was the only way I knew.

But even this method was ineffective. I often would give in to my instincts. The moment it happened, I would become an idiot.

There were two problems I should constantly deal with. The predominant consciousness in my body was my own, which held memories of my past life. However, I was constantly influenced by the natural traits of my gem.

Peridots are naturally curious. They enjoy technology and complex processes. Among the natural characteristics of my body, curiosity seemed to be particularly great.

I had a few hypotheses as to why.

The first was the fact that I was the last gem to wake up. It wasn't wrong to say I was a defective product.

My height was smaller than a common Peridot; I didn't have limb enhancers, and I also couldn't control metal with just my mind.

If you consider that my powers came from a different system, I can barely be considered a real gem.

I would probably face prejudice if I went to Homeworld, the home of the gems.

The second point was that I was cracked. I wasn't sure if something related to my behavior had been damaged.

The symptoms of a cracked Gem weren't only physical, but also mental.

Still, there was hope.

Just as my body affected my mind, the opposite was also true.

As long as I had the correct method to deal with a problem, I just needed to work on it.

As for what that method would be, I had no idea. So, I made the most rational choice I could.

Search for a tutorial on the internet, of course.

[How to regulate emotions]

I typed it into TubeTube, and as expected, many people had made videos about it.

I watched the first three videos to get a general idea of the most common methods.

Unfortunately, I couldn't fully understand all of them. Not every video had subtitles, and automatic captioning technology was still in its early stages.

But I could at least gather some ideas based on the visuals and the few words I managed to lip-read.

Although some videos talked about staying positive and gave other vague advice, some were convincing.

Emotional intelligence was a skill that could be trained and improved by anyone.

A simple and effective rule was to identify the emotions you were currently feeling.

By labeling your emotions—anger, sadness, fear, impulsiveness—you could consciously redirect your mind.

If you didn't practice this consistently, you'd subconsciously ignore your emotional state and act purely on instinct.

I added a new line to my notebook with the habits I should invest in:

➣ Make a habit of reflecting on and labeling your emotions for 10 minutes first thing in the morning.

This resolved the first problem: self-awareness.

However, other problems remained. Even if you were aware of your emotions, you still needed to change them into something else.

This was related to the brain's ability to shift focus—my biggest problem.

I would lose control for hours the moment I focused on an activity, and even if I had a vague notion of what was happening, I'd suppress my voice of reason with raw instinct.

According to my research, meditation was a great way to practice focus and clear the mind.

I had never tried anything like it before, so it was worth checking out.

I wrote another line in my notebook. In the end, my list looked something like this:

▷ Find a way to regulate your mind before bed.

➣ Make a habit of reflecting on and labeling your emotions for 10 minutes first thing in the morning.

➣ Soon after, practice meditation for 10 minutes.

By combining both meditation and emotional intelligence, I could finally regain my independence.

But this plan was meaningless unless I actually followed through with it.

I stopped the video that was playing on the TV and typed something else:

[Meditation for lay people]

I began watching one video after another.

But soon, while watching, my expression darkened.

'How exactly am I supposed to feel my body?'

Most exercises in the videos followed a similar idea: focus on a single thing to serve as your mental anchor.

But there were only two things I could sense—dark energy and my thoughts.

Focusing on my thoughts only made me more anxious, and focusing too much on the dark energy triggered my curiosity, which could easily spiral into catastrophe.

While pondering my limited options, one video caught my attention:

[Mindfulness: The Art of Thinking]

The title was a bit of a cliché mash-up, but the content was intriguing.

It described an exercise where all you needed were your thoughts.

Instead of suppressing them, you welcomed them. It was the complete opposite of what I was used to doing.

At first glance, I was skeptical. Wouldn't I lose control like that?

But the exercise assumed you'd simply observe your thoughts, not react to them.

It was a ridiculously simple idea, and I was shocked I had never thought of it before.

I immediately gave it a try and turned off all my external senses.

Several involuntary thoughts passed through my mind. Normally, I would ignore them, but this time I chose to observe.

'I want to eat apples again.'

'What is Lion doing? Will he find Steven like in the original?'

'I hope Grandma hasn't looked at the files on my PC...'

I cringed at my thoughts. Some were valid, others were trivial or disturbing.

Yet, I felt like I was finally understanding a part of myself I had never seen clearly.

'I want to go home.'

'I'm scared. Desert. Pain. Fear.'

'Somebody, help.'

I had always struggled with unresolved trauma.

And now, I could see in real time how I coped with it.

'It's okay. It's fine.'

'It didn't hurt. I can do it. I can. I can't. No. I can.'

'Soft fur. Where? I want. It hurts.'

My mind was constantly reliving the past. And with every painful memory, I tried to force a positive thought. I always looked for something hopeful, even in absurd situations.

'I'm alone. There's no one. I'm scared.'

I always searched for a solution.

'Walk. I need to. Find something.'

'It didn't work. Sad. Try again. Better.'

And even when the solution failed, I'd keep trying to focus on finding one.

Watching my thoughts was like seeing a record of everything I had ever gone through.

Every moment. Every emotion. It was all there—I had just refused to look.

And at the very bottom of all these thoughts, hidden beneath reason and rationalization, were the emotions I always suppressed.

'I'm not okay.'

'I'm scared. It hurts.'

'But I need to keep going.'

'If not, I'll realize—'

'That I'm alone. That I'm a fraud.'

Whether out of discomfort or shame, I couldn't stay in that state for long.

Almost as if I wanted to erase what I had just uncovered, I focused on the dark energy surrounding me.

Little by little, images began forming in my mind. But one stood out in particular.

'Why is Priyanka there?'

Right in front of me was a woman, stretching her arms around me, pulling me into a tight embrace, gently stroking my hair.

Still trying to make sense of the image, another vision appeared. A girl with curly hair and glasses was looking at me with an anxious expression.

'Why is she making that face?'

With a growing sense of dread, I analyzed my body.

The first thing I noticed was my Gem. It was reacting more than usual—probably due to the emotional turbulence I had just experienced. Thankfully, it wasn't anything serious. I was fine. I was still in control, unlike before.

The real issue was something else entirely.

Right then, tears were streaming down my face without end.

It wasn't the first time my body had reacted involuntarily. A small portion of my senses remained. After all, it was impossible to completely separate the involuntary mind.

That part of me only responded to strong stimuli.

'It seems my emotions affected me more than I thought.'

The exercise had worked. I was managing my emotions, but I hadn’t anticipated carrying such a heavy emotional burden.

Analyzing the situation a little, I could visualize what had just happened.

Connie, who had been with me, suddenly found me crying and ran in a panic to call her mother. Seeing me in that state, Priyanka rushed over and hugged me, trying to comfort me.

But none of it worked. I couldn't feel them—my external senses were cut off.

To everyone else, I had simply burst into tears for no reason. I had caused yet another scene.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and gently patted Priyanka on the shoulder.

After a few seconds, she finally let go of me.

"Are you okay now?"

I nodded and wrote in my notebook:

[Yes. I'm sorry.]

Reading my words, Priyanka just stroked my head gently.

[I'm okay.]

[I was meditating.]

[Don't misunderstand.]

I immediately began writing more to explain myself.

Honestly, I didn't want anyone worrying about me anymore. I was tired of my situation, and I didn't want to burden Priyanka further.

I had already interfered in her life too much, and I really was okay. It had just been a passing moment.

But whether she knew my thoughts or not, Priyanka stayed by my side until I went to bed.

For the rest of the night, she treated me like fragile glass. Honestly, it wasn't necessary.

Someone like me, causing trouble for someone so considerate—my heart sank at the thought.

"Don't you want to sleep together tonight?"

Priyanka asked when she noticed I hadn't followed her to her room.

She probably thought I would join her like the last time I had a nightmare.

But this time, I wasn't being ruled by instinct. I was completely lucid.

And I had promised myself I would start sleeping without her help.

[Not today.]

I declined firmly. She asked a few more times, trying to persuade me, but I kept refusing.

"Will you be okay on your own?"

[Yes.]

Priyanka looked at me with suspicion, clearly doubting my words.

Well, after the scene I had just caused, my credibility was shaky. But I still wouldn't give in.

If I couldn't sleep alone tonight, how would I handle even more difficult problems later? I had my own life, and Priyanka had hers. I couldn't live off her kindness forever.

Seeing my determination, she finally gave in.

"I'll stay with you until you fall asleep. No compromises."

I tried to refuse again, but stopped myself.

The fact that she was even letting me sleep in my own room was already more than enough.

[Okay.]

Priyanka sighed in relief when I accepted her condition.

I wondered what she would've done if I had refused.

Would she have forced me to sleep in her bed again? It was drastic—but if it were Priyanka, it was entirely possible.

I had a history that justified the concern.

While I was caught up in these pointless thoughts, Priyanka wheeled me into the bedroom.

She gently lifted me onto the bed and sat beside me, watching my face silently.

Only silence filled the room.

Priyanka didn't say anything—and neither did I.

I looked at the ceiling, reflective. The same dark, condensed energy was swirling above me, but tonight, I felt strangely sentimental.

Maybe that's why I said something I wouldn't normally say.

[I lied to you.]

Like a sinner unable to carry his own guilt, I confessed.

I didn't want to lie to her anymore. Even though I knew confessing wouldn't do either of us any good, I couldn't hold back.

But Priyanka's response surprised me.

"I know."

Unexpected words. Calm. Understanding.

No anger, no fear. Just calm.

Somehow, that lack of reaction made me feel even worse.

[I'm not the child you think I am.]

Priyanka looked at the words.

Maybe out of fear or anger, my handwriting was shakier than usual. But I kept writing.

[I'm not a child with amnesia, or someone who deserves your pity.]

[I'm using you—taking advantage of your kindness.]

[Everything you think I am is a lie—]

Before I could finish, Priyanka gently grabbed my hands. But I kept trying to write, determined to finish my confession.

"Why are you telling me all this?" she asked, clearly troubled, before letting go.

[I...]

I tried to write the next sentence, but then stopped.

I didn't know.

I wasn't being controlled by instinct. I could feel it.

Even now, I was "fully" rational.

So why was I saying this? Why now? It wasn't logical. It was stupid.

What if Priyanka believes me and throws me out?

'I don't care.'

Suddenly, I could hear the voice inside me that I usually ignored.

'I don't want to lie.'

'Priyanka is a friend.'

'Friends don't lie.'

A simple, innocent reason—so simple it was almost childish.

I felt ashamed just thinking about how naive I was in my nature.

My hands trembled as I forced them to complete the next words:

[I don't want to lie to you.]

"Why?" she asked, softly.

[Be— Be—]

"Be...?"

I tried to write the words, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it.

Still, I forced myself to keep trying.

[Be— Because—]

"Because...?" Priyanka repeated, watching me with a curious expression.

[Because we're friends.]

As I looked at the words on the page, my brain went into a short-circuit state.

Like a child caught admitting a crush, I wanted to crawl into a cabinet and disappear forever.

I waited for her to laugh, but there was only silence.

When I glanced at her again, she was smiling—not mockingly, but proudly.

This made me even more embarrassed.

But before I could do anything else, she placed her hand on my head and gently ruffled my hair.

"Yes, we are friends."

I didn't know what tone she used, but I didn't need to.

Just repeating the words in my head made my stomach twist.

"And friends help each other."

[…]

I wanted to argue, but I couldn't find the right words.

"And friends keep secrets too," she said, meeting my gaze. "I’ve got mine. Just like everyone else."

She said it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

[It's not that simple.]

I replied, fully aware that Priyanka was being far too optimistic. But also painfully aware of my erratic behavior.

"No, it is simple," she replied, gently dismissing everything I had just said.

"Asha carries her own secrets. So do I. It's the same for everyone."

[Secrets can hurt. I could hurt you too.]

"Well, that would be a problem. But I'm a doctor—I know how to heal wounds."

[You know that's not what I meant.]

"I know. Asha is the one who still doesn't understand."

[What do you mean?]

"Didn't you say it yourself? We're friends."

[So what?!]

I asked, almost in frustration, unable to take her optimism any longer.

Priyanka just smiled again.

"As far as I know, friends don't hurt each other."

[…]

"Friends stay with you through hard times. They share the good and the bad. That's what it means to be a friend."

She looked directly at me and pointed to my forehead, where my Gem was.

"And we are friends. I believe you won't hurt me. And I believe you'll take care of me, too."

Her words were simple but powerful.

One by one, each of my fears and doubts felt just a little lighter.

But deep down, I still knew she only believed these things because she didn't know the real me.

She was still clinging to the image she had of me.

I was just taking advantage of her again.

[I'm lying—]

"Let's stop for now. It's late," she interrupted, gently taking the notebook from my hands.

I tried to grab it back, but she raised it out of my reach, knowing I couldn't get it.

'Stupid body.'

I resented how weak I was.

"You can come get it from my room tomorrow if you want."

She said that, turned off the lights, and walked toward the door.

"I'm coming back later. And when I do, I hope there's no one awake in this room."

And with those words, she left.

I reached out toward the door, then let my arm fall.

Either way, my goal hadn't changed—I would sleep without Priyanka's help.

I closed my eyes and silenced my mind, just as I had learned in one of the many videos I had watched.

Time passed.

But strangely, sleep never came.

More time passed.

My mind remained blank, but I still had no sleep.

Eventually, I had to admit it.

'I can't sleep.'

No matter how quiet my thoughts were, my heart was still in conflict.

This wasn't something a random technique from the internet could fix.

I stretched out toward my wheelchair and slid down to the floor.

It was late. Probably no one else was awake.

I wheeled myself toward a familiar door, but just before turning the knob, I stopped and redirected myself to another one.

A quieter, more discreet door I only used when absolutely necessary.

I opened it, grateful it wasn't locked.

Without a second thought, I went to bed.

There, a child in blue pajamas was sleeping peacefully.

I extended my arms and, with some effort, climbed into the bed.

The figure stirred slightly.

"Hmm… What… What is this?"

Her eyes, still foggy from sleep and lacking her glasses, tried to make sense of what was happening.

Then they opened wide in shock.

"E-Eh? Asha—?"

Before she could make a fuss, I covered her mouth and put a finger to my lips.

Connie, seeing my serious expression, obediently nodded and lay back on the bed stiffly.

Usually, I'd overthink what I was doing and try to act more rationally, but I had no energy left.

I just wanted to close my eyes and forget everything.

Connie wasn't Priyanka. But that was okay.

Anyone would do.

I just didn't want to spend this night alone.

I hugged her stiff little body and closed my eyes.

Maybe it was her resemblance to Priyanka that made the feeling familiar. In a strange way, it was almost comforting.

I felt my mind naturally settling. Unlike earlier, when I had tried on my own for hours, this time it came effortlessly.

What had taken all night before, I achieved in seconds.

It was honestly a shame. The effect was so strong, it was tempting.

Forgive me, Connie. I think I'll be knocking on your door for a few more nights.

With those thoughts, drowsiness slowly took over my mind. The body in my arms stiffened more and more, but I didn't care.

My consciousness had already drifted away completely.

----------------------------------------

'I can't sleep'