Chapter Forty-One - Anti-Air

    Chapter Forty-One - Anti-Air

    Top 10 SUREFIRE Tricks To Stopping Any Aliens From Eating You!

    Trick One!

    -Eat lots of avocado and other greens. The Antithesis are actually plants (amazing, right!) and if you eat lots of plants, youll give off herbivore hormones that will scare off those nasty aliens!

    Trick 2!

    -Keep a lot of matches and candles in your home. If an incursion begins, light them all up. The fire will scare them away. I like using Hapyy brand scented candles which leave my home smelling vanilla-fresh!

    Trick 3:

    -Subscribe to all the latest newsletters and media feeds about the Antithesis, especially the astrological incursion prediction feeds! If you think that theres going to be one near you, maybe its time to use your yearly two-days of vacation time and visit some family elsewhere!

    Trick four!

    -Refuse any vaccines your doctor tries to push onto you. They have scent pheromones and chemicals like mercury that attract the Antithesis!

    [...]

    -Except from a popular Vlog, 2027

    ***

    Im sure itll work, I said with the tone of someone who was very much not sure it would, in fact, work.

    In one hand, I had a funky looking grenade that was meant to fuck with gravity, or mass, or whatever. In the other, I had no hand.

    Your certainty is certainly novel. I do look forward to the results.

    That was the cuntiest way of saying its not gonna work that Ive ever heard, I said.

    The artificial mass grenade had a handy little dial on the side, with tick marks for the number of gs you could add to it. I flicked the dial to max with my thumb, then wiggled the ribbon tied around it to make sure it was on tight. Fortunately, the grenade was a long cylinder, and was easy to tie to something.

    The cord dropped to the ground, passed underfoot, and went all the way over to the car where it was wrapped around the rear bits of the frame.

    I figured if it was good enough for Bugs Bunny, it was good enough for me. I flicked on the mass grenade and tossed it off the side of the roof. Then, because I wasnt a brain-dead moron, I ran off to the side and hopped over the railing next to the stairs leading to the roof access.

    The line went taut for a moment.

    I knelt down and waited with baited breath.

    If the grenade made any noise on activating, it was too far away for me to hear it, but the van jerked on the spot, its undercarriage, with its hover lifting bits and all, scraped across the corrugated steel cover.

    It stopped for a moment.

    For fuc--

    Something deeper in the room moved. Poking my head around the corner showed the AA gun slowly rising, the ceiling above splitting apart to let in a deluge of rain that sloughed off the sides of the weapons platform.

    Right, I said. And then I''ll go back down, I guess.

    Nah, I told you. Cavalrys coming. You just hang on tight, okay?

    Not in the habit of trusting weird guys who call me without me having given them my number, I said.

    Ouch, you hurt me, he said while tapping at the middle of his chest. Right here in my primary cardiovascular sub-system.

    I rolled my eye and yanked the radio Simmons had given me out of my pocket just as the AA guns gatling guns started to spin up.

    The noise a moment later was enough to have me wincing back, it was like having a pair of chainsaws chopping through sheets of tin. Bullet casings, each as long as my hand from wrist to middle-finger, thumped onto the floor in a rain of brass.

    I yanked the door to the outside open, then stepped out and slammed it shut behind me. The gunfire was still loud, and now there was the drum of rain on the roof, but it wasnt quite as loud as inside.

    The radio connected to Simmons with a beep. Samurai? he asked.

    Yeah, its me. The gun works! I screamed.

    I can tell. The doors are opening and the busses are heading out... thank you.

    Yeah... yeah, youre welcome old man. See you on the other side!

    You too, maam.

    The line cut off. I pocketed the radio.

    That was cute. ETA for your evac is, like, five minutes or so? Depends on whether she believes me or not, really. Anyway, you keep the low-flying bastards off my rig, alright? Maybe get a few points while youre at it so you can buy yourself a shirt.

    I glared ahead of me, then nodded. Yeah, okay. Thanks Longbow.

    His grin widened. No problem sis. Remember, you owe me a drink!

    The call went dead.

    A peek over the edge of the roof showed the huge AA emplacement twisting this way and that, lines of displaced rain cutting through the sky and ending at whichever alien was dumb enough to poke its head out. The thing had to be firing hundreds of rounds a second, and its bigger cannons werent even going off yet.

    I heard the tell-tale whine of hovercar traffic and jogged to the edge of the roof. A dozen busses, all of them gathered together in a big lump, were racing out of the museums lower floors and towards the far, and hopefully safer, end of the city.

    They werent uncontested though. I saw flocks of Model Ones poking out and flying off towards them. They were too low for the AA gun to target.

    Myalis, I said.

    Targeting now. At these ranges, youll be wasting a lot of ammunition for every hit.

    Who the fuck cares!

    I didnt think you would. Opening fire now. Oh, and if you would be so kind as to drop to a knee and stop fidgeting for a moment, that would help.