The safe, nice, happy awesome person walked to a new place that was different, special, and being inside it made the nice person’s body more relaxed. She even changed her clothes to ones that were smaller, but the strangest thing of all was that another new part appeared on her body. This new part came from her back; it was long and powerful and so cool and it moved and tapped and curled around things.

I know this. This is familiar. She has arms and legs, yes, but also

(come on I know this)

horns! And a tail! And she can make dancing sparkling beautiful lights appear!

The dancing lights weren’t just on her fingers, either. They also appeared on the flat thing nearby, underneath a pile of stuff that she pulled from the big box with the door. Something about this felt familiar, what was it? More time passed, and the dancing lights began to change the small pieces over it, filling the air with more air. Thicker air? It wasn’t the wrong air, it was… it was…

Hot!

Hot and cold! They keep things in the cold box before making it hot!

This was cooking, where food from the fridge changed state before their very eyes. It turned from something unwanted to yummy and delicious because they used fire.

How does the fire change things? It makes them hot, but… what is hot? There was an idea for this, too, wasn’t there? It’s another sense, like how I can see what’s happening. Are there others? Senses? There must be, otherwise they wouldn’t cook the food, but why don’t I understand them? If I can see, why can’t I touch? Smell? Hear?

That’s it! The things I can’t do!

Can’t. Can not. That idea feels familiar too. Can I not feel those things because

I’m wrong?

That feels like it makes sense.

The meal continued, the nice person and her friend

trading looks and making unheard noise with their mouths. This, too, felt both familiar and foreign.

More time, more seconds and minutes. The second person left. The nice person, alone, started moving the meal things from one place to another. Her tail, her awesome special cool amazing tail moved just as fast as her hands, picking things up and putting them in water and in the strange, small box underneath.

The small things, one of them was close. It was (liquid hot drinking careful) a mug, and it was so close to the edge of the surface.

Why can’t I touch too? The nice person can. She has hands and a tail, though, but I only have—

What do I have?

What am I?

Hands and arms feel familiar, but not the tail. Her tail is special and cool, it’s unique and only hers and that’s why she’s so awesome. I’m not her, but maybe I can look a little like her?

For the first time in (how long have I been?) ever, they looked down. If the people looked through the eyes on their heads, surely that meant the rest of their bodies were down, right? They tried to look down without spinning the world, and the vaguest suggestion of something awaited them.

Maybe that’s it! I just have to reach out and remember what touching feels like!

Part of them extended, reaching for the mug, and they filled their thoughts with purpose. Ideas of presence and affecting and pushing made them feel bold, daring, all sorts of new feelings that inspired tingly thoughts.

Their extension, their (can I say it?) hand touched the mug. It was solid! It was warm! They pushed harder, eager to assert themselves against the world, and the mug slid closer to the edge. Inch by inch, taking so much effort until finally it tipped over the edge and vanished from sight.

The nice person turned around, looking down at the mug that had just hit the floor.

I did that! That was me! I wonder if… if I can…

oh

groaning                              painful                            spinning

exhausting     why     did        touch

push back

Their hands rose to their head, the world retaliating with righteous fury for her having touched the mug. It was horrible, disorienting, whatever they were it felt like they were falling apart.

The Void would end this.

It waited. It always waited, just out of sight, just around the corner, always encompassing and eclipsing everything with its cavernous endless hunger and patience.

No pain no suffering no spinning exhausting pushback no judgement no hate no looks

No NO

NO!

I can’t become nothing yet, I don’t know what I am

The nice person can help, she’s special and unique and powerful and cool and maybe she knows what I am?

When the world returned, the space inside the space that held the nice person and her dishes, there were two of her. Was that possible? Can there be two of a person?

The second also had horns, a tail, big long (flappy flying spiky warm) wings and they were looking at each other from opposite sides of the space. Moving closer, looking closer, revealed they were not the same; one was older, with slightly different lines on her face.

The first one, the nice safe cool friend, suddenly rushed forward. Her eyes were sad, and wet like before appeared on her face but it meant something different this time.

Sad? That sounds appropriate, but why would she be sad?

The two of them fell to the floor, both sad together, then nothing happened. Not that nothing happened, there was stuff happening, not nothing, but they remained still and unmoving in the middle of the sad.

This wasn’t interesting, as cool as the tails and the horns and the wings were.

Maybe there’s more to watch. What about the other friend? The one that the nice safe friend made food for?

That friend had left and gone, but where? Surely there were more places than here and there, the other space with the many people. They had gone through many places to get here, right?

More movement, floating away from the first friend and through the

(blocking safety hard dry)

walls that separated the different spaces. So many different spaces and ideas but all so empty compared to the nice friend’s space. Were there other people? Where had the other friend gone?

More time, always time stretching out as spaces came and went. In between every space, behind amongst above below every space sat the Void, the infinite chasm that did not push but never hid. Ignore the Void, the Void was not them but it wanted them and their presence and their nothing because it too was nothing and it promised comfort and familiarity but the time was not now. Now it was time to find the other person.

How much time had passed?

Floating endlessly through the (comfort warm safe) homes

that were all the same but also different until finally she appeared. The other friend! She had shorter hair, it was lighter than the other hair which was strange because shouldn’t there be more difference? Everything was so similar here, it was all the same but lighter and darker and some half-formed idea said this was wrong but how?

She sat on the floor, leaning against a wall just like earlier but now she was alone and without the nice safe friend. Alone she was different, her face made different movements and instead of wide and welcoming she was small and shaking. She held her legs close, squeezing them tight to become as small as possible and the shaking continued but why? There was so much space between this friend and the nice safe warm friend but they did the same things anyways?

Why were they so sad?

This one was also (sad wet hide alone) crying and kept crying for so long. Was there something they knew that was a secret that made them sad?

Could I figure out what it is? Maybe I need another sense, I made one earlier and it let me move the mug! Which got the attention of the safe friend! That has to be it, the secret they have that I don’t. This doesn’t feel like a touch secret. Something else.

The decision made, they looked back to the world and found the other friend in (comfort soft squishy) bed. She had moved, but the sad continued and she kept crying, but she wasn’t shaking anymore. Ideas of purpose returned, but this time the purpose wasn’t to touch it was to hear because the secret they all had was sound, it had to be. Sound didn’t come from hands, though, it came from the head, the ears.

Being here revealed the secret, the sheets rustling and the beeping from the walls but most importantly the other friend. She cried and sniffed and wept and under her breath she muttered something to herself.

“I miss you...”

That was a new idea. Miss. This idea was lonely, scared, frightened, but now they were confused. Missing required something, but what? People miss… others. They miss people they like and when those people aren’t around they get sad. Maybe these people all miss the same person? Or each other? That had to be it, they were sad when not together.

But the safe friend was sad with another. They were sad together.

Huh.

The sound began to hurt, the world spinning and groaning and thrashing hurling skittering gnashing

horrible      awful      air      sharp      close      no

no

NO

the Void can stop this the Void promises a blanket like the other friend has it releases frees embraces it knows the answer because the answer is nothing because that’s what I am

I’m

nothing

The spinning stopped and the horrible pain stopped with it. The Void was still present, hiding and alone and threatening but it waited because it was eternal. Now was not the time, there was still too much that didn’t make sense.

I still don’t know what I am.

Watching, waiting, this time they waited for others like how the Void waited for them. The other friend did nothing, however. When she finished crying she closed her eyes and just… stopped. This too felt familiar, this was (tired comfy resting) sleep and they needed to do it for long stretches of time or else walking around was too tiring.

So they waited.