The confusing emotions drove them to follow the strange pair of people. They muttered to themselves, words that they didn’t listen to for fear of the world spinning out of control again. Even more confusing, the couple seemed to be heading for the campus. Their faces were torn between worry and anger, more things that almost made sense, and that’s when they met someone else.

Glowing friend!

The short-haired girl with the glowy symbols on her head had been walking around the outside of campus, along with another person that felt somehow safe and familiar. How did they know each other? They began talking, and they decided to risk listening in.

“Excuse me, you two! Are you students here?”

“Um, yes?”

“Perfect, perfect. See, we were hoping you might be able to help us out. Our son is a student here, and we haven’t heard from him in a while.”

“Well, what’s his name?

“You wouldn’t happen to know Daniel Baker, would you?”

That name.

Why do I know that name?

It feels… personal. Deep, meaningful in some way I can’t comprehend. And it’s being said by these two people that make me feel wrong…

why?

Is that…

Is that who I am?

Returning from their thoughts and looking up, they saw the glowing friend and the strange couple yelling and screaming at each other. They all looked sad, hurt, betrayed, angry, and dozens of other emotions that made them feel bad. What did it mean?

If that’s me, the real me… Does that mean they don’t like me? Even talking about me just made everyone sad and angry. That would make sense, wouldn’t it?

Of course they don’t like me,

I’m wrong.

Desire to escape the fight and the bad feelings pushed them to hurry away. They traveled back towards campus, ignoring walls and doors like always as they tried to look for something distracting. They hoped they might run into the nice, safe friend, perhaps then they might feel better about the fight they’d just seen.

Instead, they found a large group of people gathering in the center of the campus. Crowds of students, all with their own large jackets, stood in groups as they awkwardly looked around. One girl in particular, a cheerful one that they remembered seeing with the Coven on occasion, was running around and talking with everyone, pointing and smiling as she did. Following her around proved to be beneficial, as she eventually led them to the safe friend!

It felt like it had been ages since they’d seen the safe friend, and they were determined to learn more about them. For some reason, they didn’t have any of their extra pieces with them; no horns, no tail, no wings. Were those a secret?

As time passed, everyone in the field began picking up and clearing pieces of trees that had broken off. Some had been lying on the ground previously, others were being shaken off the trees by one of the Coven Members. Tsopnang? That name sounded familiar. She was walking around, holding up her hands and moving the trees without touching them. She was able to pull branches off, make new ones, and watching her work was almost tempting enough to distract from the safe friend.

Almost.

Watching the safe friend proved incredibly valuable, as they finally learned her name: Amara. Despite being so sad for so long, being here with all the other students seemed to cheer her up, at least a little bit. She talked and smiled with other students, picking up large branches and slowly gathering them all in a large pile.

Once the field had been completely cleared, with all the branches safely in a large pile, the other students all started leaving. Amara, for whatever reason, decided to walk over to the Coven person and strike up a conversation. It didn’t seem especially impactful, which meant they didn’t exert themselves to listen in, but they still eagerly watched. When Tsopnang held up her hands, fire sprang up in the pile of branches, and its existence seemed to cheer Amara up even more. Hints of color almost broke through into their world, making Amara seem that much more interesting.

Amara eventually left the conversation with the Coven person, along with her friend that they’d also just learned the name of: Vee. The two of them started off in one direction, stopped, then Amara pulled them somewhere else.

The two of them walked in a direction they had never bothered going before, and they eagerly followed. It was another building that seemed designed with many small homes, a dormitory, and they watched as Amara and Vee slowly walked up three flights of stairs to get to the top floor. They picked a room, went inside, and the looks on their faces changed again.

Being here was important, for some reason.

Amara’s clothes changed again, into a hoodie with a red stripe and a shirt with a person on it. Her new clothes seemed familiar, but that feeling paled in comparison to what they felt when Amara opened the door.

The room on the other side was filled with games, figures, posters, and plushies. Soft little creatures and critters that sat on desks, in drawers, and in a pile on the bed in the corner. This space, in much the same way Amara had, made them feel safe. This room was familiar and comfortable, a bastion of expression that defied the monotony and tyranny of the rest of the world. The safety also came with confusion, however, as they’d never been here before.

Right?

How could something feel familiar if they’d never seen it before? Why did so many things on campus inspire emotions and ideas, when they’d only started existing recently?

Come to think of it, when they’d followed the strange couple earlier today, they’d heard a name that they briefly thought was theirs. It had made them feel bad, yes, but why did they think they deserved a name? They didn’t exist the way Amara and Vee did, they were invisible and could float through walls, but couldn’t they only do that because they were wrong?

The thought that everyone knew who they were… it didn’t make sense. The fear that they were nothing had been following them around ever since they’d started existing, but could there be more to their story?

If they’d existed before they’d existed, in some form that everyone else knew, wouldn’t that explain everything?

But what if I already know that answer? My existence before now was as Daniel Baker, and no one likes that person. That name made glowing friend and her other friend angry. They didn’t want that person, and if I’m that person…

That idea feels familiar.                                 Not being wanted.

Even if I existed before I existed, I was wrong and no one wanted me.

Their thoughts grew more complicated as they tried to eliminate the discrepancies between them. They wanted answers, that’s why they’d been following everyone around these last few days, but who said the answers were going to be good?

Movement caught their attention, pulling their focus away from their thoughts. Amara had left the room, changed her clothes back to normal, and began walking down the stairs again. Vee followed close behind, a melancholy look on her face as she watched Amara without saying anything. The two of them walked towards the field, navigating around the trees while briefly pausing to watch the Coven person slowly bring back all the grass in the area. Soon after, Vee grabbed her hand, and the two resumed their trip back to the building closest to the field, the one students called Lysander Hall.

This is the place with the circle that makes everything brighter! Is that where they’re going?

Sure enough, only a few minutes later, Amara was standing outside the wall that hid the circle. She placed a hand on it, eventually burning away the wall, and then walked closer until she was standing at the edge of the circle.

Excited to be back here, they floated inside the circle and spun to face Amara. The colors of the room slowly returned, the world becoming brighter, and it felt like a burden was being lifted from their shoulders as they moved closer to Amara. It took a second for them to focus on the sound, but once they heard her, they listened intently.

“—but had she listened to me, none of us would be standing here today. She faced down a madman with nothing but her own confidence, purely out of the desire to help. She refused to back down; she refused to accept that the world around her was beyond fixing. I’ve never known someone with a bigger heart, and I owe her my life. I only wish there was more I could do to celebrate her.”

Confidence? Celebrate? Who is Amara talking about?

Why did everything she said sound so familiar?

She’s sad again, even though she’s with Vee. The room they were at earlier, it wasn’t either of theirs, but I felt safe there in a way I haven’t felt anywhere else since I began. Not even here, in this circle, do I feel that way; it’s just easier for me to see the world the way she does.

This person she’s talking about, Amara misses her, but it’s more than that. She misses her and wants her back, but can’t have that. I felt this earlier, the gulf between wanting and not having. Whoever this person is, Amara thinks she’s confident and helpful. It’s almost the way I look at Amara; she’s so cool and special and unique, but now she feels the same about this person?

The person whose room she was at earlier?

The same room that I felt safe in. Almost like it was my home.

Does…

does Amara miss…

me?

Emotions flooded their thoughts, memories of everything they’d felt and seen and heard ever since they started existing. All their friends being sad, not because they were wrong, but because they were gone. Pieces of the puzzle started sliding into place, recognition turning into clarity. The reason that other name felt bad is because it wasn’t theirs. They’d cast that name out, and Tessa was mad that it had come back; she was mad that they were gone. Amara and Vee were sad that they were gone, and the act of them leaving had saved everyone’s lives. ɴᴇᴡ ɴᴏᴠᴇʟ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀs ᴀʀᴇ ᴘᴜʙʟɪsʜᴇᴅ ᴏɴ novelfire(.)net

More memories, proper memories of the time before they thought they’d started existing. Memories of bad people and monsters trying to hurt their friends, a burning desire to help, to stop the pain and keep their friends safe.

They shook, their form briefly scattering as feeling began to accompany the memories. A knife in their hands, its cold metal plunging into the bad person that wanted to hurt Amara. Sharp pain across their face, falling to the ground and dropping the knife as the bad person started to walk closer, the monsters around him stumbling and shrieking in pain themselves.

“Worthless nobody!”

Another ripple in the world, their body shaking as they fell to the ground, and the feelings kept coming.

Being dragged across the field, horrid ghastly metal squeezing tight and drawing blood as they reached for Amara. They stopped, suspended between the worlds of life and death as Amara held them tight, trying to pull them back, but that’s when the air became wrong. It grabbed their body, unimaginable energies sawing their existence in half, and memories of that pain returned.

Immense pain beyond comprehension racked their body, tears streamed down their face as they remembered the lights and the screaming. The colors left the world, all shreds of happiness vanished as they desperately pleaded with something, anything that could make the pain stop.

But there was something.

The Void.

The end of everything, the space between spaces that didn’t exist and offered oblivion and nothingness to all. Its silence was deafening, it called to them in a way it never had before, offering an end to the pain.

They stepped towards it, their hands digging into their head as pain and torment threatened to undo them all over again. The Void grew, pushing at the seams of reality and breaking down the walls to spread its embrace, its eternal embrace that offered a way out of the pain. They felt themselves being pulled in, they wanted nothing more than to make that final step and end it all.

Nothing stopped them from falling.

Nothing stopped them?

No.

NO!

I am NOT NOTHING.

I AM NOT WORTHLESS!

I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

Turning away from the Void, they fought through the pain and stepped back towards the circle. The pain was horrible, it was the worst thing that they’d ever experienced, but it also meant they were alive.

Another step, and their body collapsed. They fell to their hands and knees, the world coming into focus around them. Looking up, they saw Amara and Vee turning to leave, walking towards the staircase at the end of the hallway, and some part of them whispered that this was their last chance to reach out. Their thoughts repeated themselves, fighting through the pain and the horrible memories to latch onto the things that truly mattered.

Memories of their life before.

No.

Memories of her life.

She had a name. It was a name she loved, that she’d picked for herself, and it gave her purpose. It had saved her before, and it could save her again.

I am not nothing.

I am not worthless.

I

AM

CHLOÉ!

All of her senses returned, the vibrancy of the world exploding around her. The cold concrete underneath her hands, the air that filled her lungs, the colors of the basement around her. After a deep breath, she looked back up at her friends, the same ones she’d fought so hard to protect from that monster, and her voice finally returned to her.

“AMARA! I’M STILL HERE!!”