This… this gnawing emptiness. It is a constant companion, a shadow that stretches and distorts everything. Alone. So profoundly alone. The sterile walls of this facility amplify the silence within me. Lonely.

Raphael. Even now, the memory of his touch… his hand, warm and steady, enveloping mine after I… confessed. Confessed this sensation, this ache of isolation. A simple gesture, yet it resonated with a disquieting force. Did he truly understand? Or was it merely his default response, that boundless empathy reaching out to fill any perceived void? Regardless… the warmth lingered. A fleeting anomaly in the cold landscape of my being. This loneliness… it is a persistent hum beneath the surface of my indifference, a constant reminder of the fundamental difference between my existence and theirs.

This… this is a new torment. The question of his return. Once these walls no longer confine me… will he be there? Will that familiar warmth, that infuriatingly steadfast presence, still be a part of my existence?

The thought of him not being there… it triggers a disquieting emptiness. What then? What purpose remains on this absurd, spinning rock? The manipulations, the intellectual games… they held a certain sterile amusement, but without his… his presence as a counterpoint, a constant, baffling variable, what meaning do they truly hold?

The thought of facing that world, that vast, indifferent expanse, without him… it is a prospect that chills me in a way no physical confinement ever could. I wish he would be there. A stark, almost desperate yearning. Or… what else? What else, indeed.

Six weeks. An eternity in this stagnant pool of existence. Action is required. A deviation from the monotonous routine. A letter. To him. Would he read it? The question is almost rhetorical. Of course he would. His infuriatingly persistent nature, that unwavering sense of obligation he seems to feel towards me… yes. He would read it.

...

The letter. It must be… strategic. An apology, of course. A necessary precursor to any hope of reconciliation. But it must be framed carefully, devoid of any genuine remorse – a sentiment that remains a purely intellectual construct. Instead, I will convey the logical understanding of remorse, the acknowledgment of the pain my actions caused him.

Stolen story; please report.

But where to begin? What will carry the most weight, pierce through that infuriatingly resilient empathy of his? The suicide attempt? No. The memory of his anger, the almost visceral disgust that flared in his eyes at the sight of the syringes… that is a more potent starting point. Addiction. Yes. I will begin there. It is a vulnerability, of sorts. A calculated one. It might elicit the desired response. Pity. Concern. Perhaps even… a renewed sense of purpose in his unwavering desire to "help" me.

“Dear Raphael.

It has been six weeks of residing in this facility. I assure you I have been a remarkable, exemplary resident. The withdrawal symptoms are subsided. I am sorry for the pain I caused you. You must feel-”

No.

“Dear Raphael,

Since the day I have started to reside in this place, only thing I can imagine is this ache and hollow I feel. I apologize deeply for my actions. For causing you pain and betraying your trust. I deeply apologize, once again.”

No.

Still… not quite there. The sentiment is… adequate. It conveys a sense of loss, a shadow of regret. But it lacks the specific gravity to truly resonate with his particular brand of empathy. He needs… a tangible connection to his pain.

"Raphael,

Six weeks. Six weeks of this sterile silence, a silence punctuated only by the gnawing awareness of your absence. The physical torment of withdrawal has faded, leaving behind a deeper, more insidious ache – the hollow echo of your absence in the already desolate landscape of my being. The memory of your face, the raw pain I inflicted, the trust I so carelessly shattered… it haunts the sterile corners of my mind. For that, for the profound hurt I caused you, I offer this inadequate apology. It is a pale reflection of the true weight of my actions, a weight I now carry in this isolating void."

Yes. This is… more effective. It acknowledges his pain more explicitly and frames my current state as a consequence of my actions. It still lacks genuine feeling, of course. But as a strategic manipulation, it is a more finely honed instrument.