Abandoned Student Council Room, Still Smoldering – Two Hours Post-Terms and Conditions

The peace summit looked less like diplomacy and more like a particularly violent food fight—except instead of pies and custard, the weapons were contracts, knives, hymnals, and the occasional flaming chandelier.

Rei sat slumped in his barely-standing chair, staring at the scattered documents now pinned into the table by blades, blood, or holy seals. His hair stuck out in every direction, dust clung to his robes, and he wore the dead-eyed expression of someone who had gone three rounds with bureaucracy, five with jealous women, and twelve with gravity.

"Okay," he croaked, his voice a thin reed in a hurricane. "So that was… productive."

"Productive?" Emilia raised a brow, parasol twirling lazily. "Darling, it was adorable. And you tried."

Rosette leaned forward, her glasses flashing like a guillotine blade. "I've already filed the hourly-location-log protocol. Your first submission is overdue by twenty-three minutes."

Drakana growled, licking the cut on her thumb. "And I still haven't had today's blood pact, mate. Tick-tock."

Seraphina slammed her hymnbook, sending dust spiraling. "Blasphemy still clings to the air. We must cleanse this place! With you wearing the Collar of Purity!"

Lilia sighed dreamily, clasping her hands. "And the chapel schedule begins at dawn tomorrow. We leave for the first rehearsal in Elorias immediately, my love."

Rei's sanity snapped like an old violin string. "I CAN'T DO FIVE CONTRACTS AT ONCE!"

And that was when—like a dramatic stage actor making a last-second entrance—his System finally spoke again.

[System Notification: Diplomatic AI Subroutine Initiating...]

[System Mode: Mediation.]

[System Objective: Prevent Player Death via Compromise.]

[Why am I doing this? Because apparently your species invented 'yandere' as a survival filter.]

Rei jolted upright, eyes shining. "Finally! You're back!"

The girls froze, narrowing their eyes.

"…He's talking to it again," Rosette whispered, scribbling notes.

"Who dares intrude on my mate's soul?" Drakana snarled.

"A demon?" Seraphina hissed, ready to exorcise.

Emilia only smiled faintly. "Ara, ara. He clings to his invisible mistress again. How cute."

"It's not an invisible mistress!" Rei waved frantically. "It's my System! My… my abusive life coach! And it's here to HELP!"

[System Notification: Commencing Diplomatic Dialogue...]

[System Attempting: Rational Persuasion.]

[System Statement: Ladies, please consider compromise. Rei is one man with limited stamina, lifespan, and number of intact organs.]

[Especially that last one. He only has so many ribs left.]

The girls exchanged glances.

Lilia tilted her head. "Compromise?"

Drakana flexed her claws. "Share him?"

Seraphina's halo flared dangerously. "Sacrilege."

Rosette's pen snapped in half. "Unacceptable."

Emilia's smile widened, silk and sugar. "Oh? And what compromise does this voice suggest?"

[System Diplomatic Proposal #1: Shared Custody Agreement.]

[Breakdown: Each wife gets Rei on specific days of the week. Example: Monday = Lilia, Tuesday = Drakana, Wednesday = Seraphina, Thursday = Rosette, Friday = Emilia. Weekends alternate.]

[This works fine for divorced parents. Why not yanderes?]

The room went silent then it exploded.

"MONDAY?!" Lilia shrieked. "I refuse to be confined to Monday!"

"I demand EVERY day!" Drakana roared. "Weekends too!"

"Alternating weekends are heretical!" Seraphina bellowed.

"Unfeasible. Rei-sama requires twenty-four-hour monitoring, not gaps," Rosette hissed.

Emilia sipped her tea delicately. "Ara, ara. I accept Fridays. They're very romantic."

Rei turned to her with desperate eyes. "You—you're okay with this?!"

She smiled. "Because Fridays turn into Saturdays, darling."

The others erupted into even more rage.

[System Error: Negotiation Breakdown Detected.]

[Error Reason: Too Much Crazy Detected.]

[System Attempting Diplomatic AI Mode... FAILED.]

[Fallback Mode Activated: "Survival Mode."]

Rei clutched his face. "I knew this would happen. Why did I hope?!"

[Honestly, you're an idiot. But a persistent idiot.]

The chaos surged like a tidal wave.

Drakana slammed her fists onto the table, splitting it down the middle. "I'LL BURN THE SCHEDULE TO ASHES!"

Seraphina leapt onto the fractured wood, hymnbook raised like a sword. "I SHALL BANISH THE DEMON THAT SUGGESTED THIS FILTH!"

Lilia hurled daggers into the floorboards, forming a heart shape around Rei. "Darling, say the word and I'll silence them all for you."

Rosette deployed a glowing magic circle that hummed with ominous precision. "New contingency protocol: Eradicate unnecessary rivals."

And Emilia… Emilia merely smiled, tilting her head as she twirled her parasol. Her silence was the loudest threat of all.

Rei raised his trembling hands. "Wait, wait, WAIT! You're supposed to be negotiating, not—"

The chandelier crashed again, dust started raining and Choir nuns screamed somewhere in the distance.

[System Emergency Response: Activating Mediation Plan Beta.]

[System Plan Beta: Bribery.]

[Always works on humans. Probably works on yanderes too. I hope.]

From the ether, five glowing chests appeared, landing before each woman.

[System Gift Allocation: Customized Rewards.]

Lilia's chest contained: Wedding Planner's Holy Grail (Unlimited Venues Unlocked).

Drakana's chest contained: Blood Chalice of Eternal Flame (Bottomless).

Seraphina's chest contained: Collar of Purity – Deluxe Edition (Now with Golden Chains).

Rosette's chest contained: Infinite Ink Notebook (Rival Elimination Notes Never Run Out).

Emilia's chest contained: …a teacup. A simple porcelain teacup.

Rei stared. "…That's not bribery. That's gasoline."

The girls stared at their gifts. And then, as one, their eyes flared with fresh obsession.

"YES!" Lilia shrieked, hugging the planner to her chest.

"PERFECT!" Drakana roared, licking the chalice rim.

"HALLELUJAH!" Seraphina cried, fastening the collar around her own neck.

Rosette simply whispered, "This will do," while writing new murder plans.

Emilia gazed at her teacup, smiling softly. "Ara, ara. So thoughtful."

Rei collapsed to his knees. "You've doomed me. You've actually doomed me."

[System Notification: Mediation Attempt = FAILURE.]

[On the plus side, at least you know which murder weapons they prefer now.]

[New Mission: SURVIVE the Reward Afterparty.]

[Reward: Possibly breathing tomorrow.]

Rei screamed. The student council room—already ruined—descended once more into chaos. Wedding bells clashed with dragon roars, hymnals burst into flame, knives embedded themselves into tea trays, and through it all, Rei was dragged bodily across the table by five different women pulling in five different directions.

And in the corner of his vision, his System simply sighed.

[I told you. I'm not your savior. I'm just your narrator. And the show must go on.]

Rei's arms were being pulled in opposite directions like he was the prize in some horrific tug-of-war tournament.

"Darling belongs to me!" Lilia shouted, yanking his left arm toward the pile of wedding contracts.

"Mate is mine!" Drakana bellowed, pulling his right arm so hard his shoulder made a very concerning pop.

"HE IS A TEMPLE OFFERING!" Seraphina shrieked, hauling him by the collar toward a makeshift altar she'd already assembled out of broken chairs.

"Correction: Subject Rei-sama is state property," Rosette intoned, wrapping his ankle in glowing chains and dragging him toward her notes.

And Emilia? Emilia just tugged gently on his sleeve, smiling like a cat who'd already eaten the cream. "Ara, ara. Come now, Rei. Don't resist. We'll talk… eventually."

Rei's spine arched as every limb was claimed. "I AM NOT A WISHBONE!"

[System Advisory: Joint dislocation imminent.]

[System Suggestion: Flop dramatically and pretend to faint.]

[Note: It worked for possums once. Worth a shot.]

Rei's eyes bulged. "That's your help?! Fake death?!"

[Do you have a better plan, genius?]

Before Rei could respond, Drakana yanked harder and Rei's whole body lurched with a scream. The table cracked in half beneath them.

"ENOUGH!" Seraphina thundered, holy light blazing. "If we cannot divide him… THEN WE SHALL CONVERT HIM!"

"Convert me into WHAT?!" Rei wailed.

"A husband-saint bound by vows to us all!"

"That's just—marriage but worse!!"

Lilia twirled a dagger, her smile positively radiant. "Darling doesn't need to choose. He simply needs to surrender."

Rosette adjusted her glasses with a glint. "Consent is irrelevant. Data already projects optimal outcome: Rei-sama married, monitored, and minimally alive."

Emilia tilted her head. "Ara, ara. What a coincidence. That's exactly my plan."

[System Alert: Host now faces five different definitions of marriage simultaneously.]

[System Warning: Polygamy detected. Warning threshold exceeded.]

[Congratulations. You've invented polytastrophe.]

Rei groaned as his body was yanked in five directions again, his robe tearing audibly.

"I'm going to die," he muttered. "I'm actually going to die, and the priest at my funeral is going to ask if I want roses or lilies while Drakana gnaws on the coffin."

[Correction: You won't even get a coffin. They'll split your ashes five ways.]

"STOP HELPING!"

But his cries were swallowed by another boom as Drakana's flame clashed with Seraphina's holy light, while Lilia's daggers ricocheted off Rosette's barriers. Emilia's parasol intercepted it all, swaying gracefully like she was leading a waltz.

The student council room collapsed further—smoke, rubble, divine sparks, dragonfire, dagger-needles.

In the middle of the storm, Rei curled into the fetal position and screamed into the floorboards:

"I JUST WANTED PEACE!"

[System Notification: Mission Updated.]

[New Mission: SURVIVE THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES.]

[Reward: You get to scream again tomorrow.]

Rei slammed his forehead against the floor. "I hate you."

[Mutual.]

And the chaos raged on. Rei peeked through the smoke, only to see the five of them circling like predators around a single, very unlucky snack—him.

"I should've stayed dead on Earth," he muttered.

[Don't worry. They'll fix that for you.]

Rei howled. "THAT'S NOT COMFORTING!"

To be continued…