CHAPTER 168: CHAPTER 167: SERAPHINA TRIES EXORCISM

In the morning in dining hall after seduction duel. There were several things Rei Velvet had learned the hard way since "Engagement Week" began:

Never sit near Drakana during a banquet, unless you wanted your food roasted medium-rare by accidental flame breath.

Never sit near Lucivella at all, because she considered "feeding you bites of her meal" a diplomatic statement.

Never, ever, under any circumstances, sit in a room with all of them at once—because that was how holy wars started.

So naturally, here he was. Sitting at the head of the table, surrounded by six yanderes, half the furniture still charred from yesterday’s riot, with the faint smell of brimstone and hymn books lingering in the air.

The morning silence was deceptively peaceful, plates clinked, a butter knife scraped and somewhere outside, construction crews were rebuilding the central plaza’s walls for the third time that week.

Rei dared to think: Maybe today will be calm. That was when Seraphina slammed her hands on the table hard enough to rattle the chandelier.

"ENOUGH!" she cried, her golden wings flaring wide. "This farce has gone on long enough! The Demon Lord’s corruption has gone unchecked! Rei Velvet is clearly under a spiritual parasite’s influence!"

Forks froze in mid-air.

Lucivella, seated elegantly across the table, dabbed at her lips with a napkin and raised an amused brow. "Spiritual parasite?"

"Yes!" Seraphina declared, whipping out a rosary that glowed with holy light. "You are possessing our innocent duke’s son, twisting his heart, poisoning his mind, seducing him into unholy betrothal!"

Rei choked on his cereal. "Wait—unholy betrothal?!"

Lucivella’s silver hair shimmered as she leaned toward him, eyes glinting with moonlight smugness. "If possession feels like kisses, velvet sheets, and eternal devotion, then perhaps I am guilty."

The table collectively groaned.

Rosette’s eyes narrowed. "Her lips are a form of parasitism."

Drakana slammed her tail against the floor. "Agreed. Demons cheat. My mate must be purified."

"PURIFIED?!" Rei screeched.

Seraphina nodded gravely. "Exactly. There is only one solution. A full-scale holy exorcism."

The words hung in the air like thunder.

Rei’s spoon slipped into his cereal bowl with a sad splash. "...I’m sorry, you want to what me?"

"Exorcise you," Seraphina said with angelic certainty. "Remove the demon parasite from your soul."

"But there is no parasite!" Rei waved frantically at Lucivella. "She’s just... she’s just very pushy and scary and keeps declaring me her fiancé in public—okay, that sounded bad out loud, but it’s still not possession!"

Lucivella smiled serenely. "Call it what you wish, beloved. You are mine, whether by parasite or pact."

The BLUSHOMETER—still broken from yesterday—somehow sparked back to life and wheezed a faint "DANGER" before dying again.

[System Notification]

[New Event Triggered: "Holy Exorcism Showdown."]

[Objective: Survive being mistaken for a demon host.]

[Warning: Blessed water burns humans slightly. Demons completely. Yanderes dramatically.]

[On the bright side, you’ll be extra hydrated.]

By noon, the dining hall had been transformed into what could only be described as a cathedral crossed with a hostage stage. Candles lined every surface. Incense smoke curled through the rafters. Choir members (borrowed from Lilia’s crusade, of course) stood in neat rows chanting in harmony.

In the center, strapped once again to a chair, was Rei.

"Why am I always in the chair?!" he wailed, tugging uselessly at the holy ribbons binding him.

"Because," Rosette said, tightening a strap with terrifying efficiency, "you would run away otherwise."

"Yes, because I don’t want an exorcism!" Rei shouted.

Seraphina floated in front of him, halo blazing, her robes billowing dramatically despite the fact there was no wind. "Fear not, Rei. This will not hurt."

She paused. "...Much."

Rei become paled.

Lucivella, lounging on the sidelines like a queen watching a circus, crossed her legs and smirked. "This should be entertaining. Try not to drown my fiancé."

"He’s not your fiancé!" the others roared in unison.

[System Alert]

[New Sub-Mission: Survive Baptism by Fire (and Water).]

[Failure Consequence: Your funeral hymn will be autotuned by Seraphina’s choir.]

[Reward: Continued existence.]

"Choir! Begin the hymn of purification!" Seraphina commanded.

The choir erupted into song. Something about holy matrimony, eternal fidelity, and Rei’s name rhymed awkwardly with "celibacy."

Seraphina produced a silver chalice of glowing water. "By the authority of the heavens, I command the demon parasite to begone!"

She flung the contents of the chalice over Rei’s head.

SPLASH.

The effect was immediate.

"GAHHHHHHHHHH!" Rei screamed, writhing in the chair as steam rose off his hair. "IT BURNS! IT BURNS!"

The choir gasped.

Seraphina pointed accusingly. "Behold! The demon’s reaction!"

Rei thrashed. "NO, IT’S JUST REALLY STRONG HOLY WATER! I’M BASICALLY ALLERGIC TO PRIEST JUICE!"

Lucivella covered her mouth, shoulders shaking with laughter. "Oh my, so sensitive. Shall I kiss it better?"

The BLUSHOMETER sparked again. Seraphina sprinkled more water and Rei convulsed.

Drakana shouted, "HE’S DYING! STOP KILLING MY MATE!"

"Silence, dragon!" Seraphina snapped. "The parasite resists, but I shall purge it!"

She whipped out an entire bucket of blessed water.

"WAIT, NO—" Rei cried.

SPLASH.

[System Notification]

[Status Effect Applied: Soaked Like a Sponge.]

[HP Loss: Minor. Dignity Loss: Irreversible.]

[Congratulations, you’ve unlocked the rare achievement ’Holy Boiled Lobster.’]

By the fourth bucket, Rei was dripping like a drowned rat, steam hissing off his skin. His once-pristine noble outfit clung to him like a tragic laundry accident.

"STOP!" he croaked. "I’M CLEAN! SO CLEAN! EVEN MY FUTURE CHILDREN ARE CLEAN!"

Seraphina’s eyes blazed with holy fervor. "The parasite still lingers! We must proceed to Phase Two: The Chant of Eternal Purity!"

The choir sang louder. The chandelier shook. The windows cracked.

Rosette calmly loaded another bucket. "This is effective."

"EFFECTIVE AT WHAT?!" Rei screamed.

"Demoralization," she said simply.

Drakana lunged, grabbing Rei’s chair to pull him free. "ENOUGH! HE BELONGS TO ME, NOT TO YOUR HOLY MADNESS!"

The turrets hidden in Rosette’s apron immediately swiveled toward Drakana.

Lilia raised her banner. "BLASPHEMY! THIS IS SACRED RITE!"

Lucivella sighed happily, sipping tea. "Ah, I do enjoy watching them fight over me."

"OVER ME!" Rei howled.

[System Critical Alert]

[Warning: Host body is at 80% saturation. One more bucket may cause drowning.]

[New Suggestion: Fake demonic possession. They might stop if you pretend.]

[Yes, roleplay as a demon. What could possibly go wrong?]

Soaked, shivering, and desperate, Rei tried the only option left. He widened his eyes, let his head droop dramatically, and spoke in the deepest voice he could muster:

"FOOLS, I AM THE DEMON AND THIS BODY IS MINE. NOW TREMBLE BEFORE MY POWER."

The choir shrieked and several fainted.

Seraphina gasped, wings flaring. "The parasite speaks!"

"Wait, no—" Rei broke character. "That was sarcasm! I was joking!"

But it’s too late now.

Seraphina raised both hands, gathering enough holy energy to light up half the capital. "By the heavens, I shall banish you, foul fiend!"

Lucivella set her teacup down with a delicate clink. "Touch him with that spell and I’ll level this continent."

The tension snapped like a bowstring. Drakana’s spear ignited, Lilia’s choir blared hymns at battle tempo and Rosette’s turrets whirred ominously.

And Rei, still tied to a chair and dripping like a wet towel, screamed at the ceiling:

"WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?!"

[System Final Log – Exorcism Attempt #1]

[Result: Failure. Rei not purified. Choir traumatized. Furniture destroyed.]

[Casualties: Rei’s dignity (again).]

[Honestly, you should start charging admission.]

The standoff in the dining hall grew so thick with tension it could have been sliced into holy wafers and sold at the festival.

Drakana snarled, fire curling around her lips. "If the angel fries him, I’ll roast everyone here!"

Seraphina glared, wings blazing brighter. "Then you shall roast in the pits of judgment with her!"

Rosette’s hand hovered near a button that definitely should not exist on a maid’s apron. "Target prioritization complete. Rei’s safety: absolute. Collateral damage: acceptable."

"Wait—NO COLLATERAL DAMAGE IS ACCEPTABLE!" Rei shouted, thrashing against the chair. "I’m the collateral damage!"

Lilia, ever dramatic, raised her sword and banner. "By the authority vested in me as his future bride, I command this rite to continue!"

"YOU ARE NOT VESTED WITH ANY AUTHORITY!" Rei yelled back, coughing up a mouthful of holy water.

The choir, confused but dedicated, kept singing louder and louder. Their hymn reached a pitch so high several windows exploded outward, showering the lawn with stained glass shards.

"Beautiful acoustics," Lucivella mused. "Truly sets the mood."

Rei sputtered. "SETS THE MOOD FOR MY FUNERAL?!"

[System Update]

[Warning: Decibel levels reaching lethal range. Ear protection recommended.]

[Fun Fact: This song charted #1 in the "Top Ten Exorcism Anthems" two centuries ago.]

"ENOUGH!" Rei shouted, his voice cracking as he tried to stand—only to remember he was still strapped like a Christmas turkey. "If one more drop of holy water touches me, I’ll—I’ll spontaneously combust out of spite!"

Seraphina narrowed her eyes. "That is exactly what a parasite would say."

Rei sagged against the chair. "No, that’s what a victim of waterboarding would say!"

Drakana stomped her foot hard enough to rattle the table. "I challenge this farce! If purification means harming my mate, then I’ll fight every single one of you until the skies burn!"

Rosette’s turrets clicked ominously. "Statement acknowledged. Initiating defense sequence."

Lilia raised her sword. "Then we fight in the name of holy matrimony!"

Lucivella daintily poured herself another cup of tea. "Wonderful. Do make sure not to hit Rei’s face. It’s my favorite part."

"IT’S THE ONLY PART I GET TO KEEP!" Rei wailed.

[System Notification]

[Branching Scenario Unlocked: "Holy Exorcism Brawl."]

[Option A: Let them fight it out while you pretend to faint.]

[Option B: Actually faint. Statistically safer.]

[Option C: Spontaneously ascend to godhood and smite them all.]

[Sadly, Option C is locked behind the Premium DLC Pack.]

At that exact moment, the front doors burst open and one of the duke’s poor butlers peeked in, trembling.

"Uh... breakfast is getting cold," he stammered, before ducking back out at supersonic speed as seven different murder glares hit him at once.

Rei slumped, defeated, dripping water onto the scorched carpet.

"Please," he whispered to the ceiling, "if any higher power is listening, smite me now. A lightning bolt, a falling piano, a meteor—I’ll take anything."

The chandelier above him creaked ominously.

"Wait—not that literally!" Rei yelped.

[Status: Rei survived... technically.]

[Collateral: Half the manor, one traumatized choir and several buckets short.]

[Achievement Unlocked: "Holy Sponge."]

[Congratulations. You’re now officially holier than most saints—by water volume alone.]

To be continued...