“She’s not evil,” Valeria said quickly. “I, a paladin of L’shan, can verify that. Abby’s heart is pure. Well, maybe a little kinky, but basically pure. Enash is powerless.”

Green Apple whispered to Bing again, and he listened some more.

“If you can be purified of the taint,” Bing said. “Then we can consider it. My advisor, Vice President Chirp, thinks there is a way, but it is dangerous.”

Taint. You hardly even have a taint. There’s not room down there.

It had been a long time since Enash had actually told me anything helpful. I thought about it for nearly half a second. “This purification. Would it destroy Enash?”

Looking out for me. You’re a good buddy.

“Is that a problem?” Bing asked.

“Nope. Not at all.”

Hey! What about all the good times we’ve had! If it weren’t for me, you’d still be stuck as that big lug. You wouldn’t have all these babes! You wouldn’t even have a zombie army! No vampires at your beck and call! And a lame second class!

“Good,” Bing said.

“He’s telling the truth,” Valeria whispered to me. “And he’s not evil.”

“Who’s she?” Bing asked.

“This is Valeria, a paladin of L’shan. One of my advisors; also, my wife.”

Bing introduced the people with him. The tall-for-a-gnome woman, at nearly five feet tall, was named Boom. A shorter woman nearby was Clang, Bing’s wife. And finally, there was an advisor named Crash. He didn’t introduce all the soldiers.

“This is Gren,” I said. “Also my wife. And Inka, and Betsy, who are here to represent their people. And Princess Lysandra, of Avonia.” Given their reaction to Enash, I figured I’d skip the whole bit about being the Uber Archfiend, and Lysandra being the Archfiendess. “And Aurea. She’s a dragon.”

“I’m part of Abby’s hoard,” Aurea said.

Bing looked at Aurea curiously. “Is it normal in Abbyland for women to walk around unclothed?”

“I don’t know about normal, but – it happens. There’s no law against it.” There wasn’t really a system of laws at all. Maybe I should work on it. “No law against men being naked, either. Most people wear clothes. Here?”

“Gnomes generally wear clothes,” Bing said, still looking at Aurea. “Unless they’ve been pantsed.”

I blinked. “That’s a thing?”

Bing nodded. “It’s all in fun, of course. Happens to everyone sooner or later. These little escapades help bond us together.”

“Nobody takes off my clothes except Abby and myself,” Aurea said. “I’m part of her hoard.”

“Did she just say she was a whore?” asked Crash.

The gnomes all laughed as if that were hilarious.

Aurea turned and glared at him.

“No diplomatic incidents,” I said to Aurea.

“Of course not. I won’t eat anyone. In town, anyway.”

“Hey, it was a joke,” Crash said.

“Of course. I was just giving you a fine example of dragon humor in return,” Aurea said.

“So,” I said, not sure whether they were bonding or antagonizing each other, “What would be involved in getting rid of Enash?”

I can’t believe you’re doing this! What did I ever do to you?

Not that much, but it wasn’t because he hadn’t tried. So far things had gone okay, but I always wondered if he was hatching up a plan to break free, or even if he could take over if I had a weak moment. Besides, I needed an artificer for all sorts of reasons. Lawnmower repair. Generator parts. Flush toilets.

Chirp whispered to Bing, and then Bing told me. “We’ll have to work on the details, but we think it’s possible. In the meantime, we have a small building with relatively high ceilings we can let you stay in. Won’t you please be our guests?”

“We’d be honored.”

“Boom, would you show our guests the embassy?”

“Of course,” Boom said. She had bright pink hair, an equally bright smile, and a svelte figure.

I smiled back. Boom beckoned us and then walked away, clearly expecting us to follow her. She led us toward one of the large buildings, which was made of brownstone, with a thatched roof.

“Do you want her?” Inka asked, quietly.

I shook my head. I mean, she was cute and I wasn’t saying there was no chance, but the thought honestly hadn’t crossed my mind. Did they think I was horny all the time, or something? I didn’t say anything, though, because I wasn’t sure how good gnome hearing was.

“Right in here,” Boom said. “There are even big people sized beds. I hope you enjoy your stay.”

“Thank you Boom. I appreciate your hospitality.”

“Enjoy. It’s unlocked.”

“Thank you!” I got the hint, and opened the door.

That was when the bucket of water tipped over, drenching me.

“Hahahaha!” Boom doubled up in laughter. “You should have seen your face! Hahaha! Hilarious!” She held her sides. “Oh my gods and goddesses! Don’t you even check before you open strange doors? Haha!”

I looked around for support, but Gren snickered, and that ended up being contagious. In the distance, some gnomes were laughing their heads off, although some were just staring.

I want her, even if you don’t. And nice pokies, by the way.

I looked down. My t-shirt was soaked, and so was my bra.

I took a deep breath. “Good one,” I managed to say. I poked my head into the room beyond, and saw that it had a couple of beds, and there were some other rooms past it. “Can’t beat the classics.”

“That’s what I always say,” Boom said. “Have a good night!”

Once bitten, twice shy. I did a full inspection. The only thing I found was that the beds had been short-sheeted, and that was easy enough to fix.

“Are you sure you want gnomes in Abbyland?” Gren asked. “It doesn’t seem worth it.”

“Trust me, we need that ability to make duplicates of objects,” I said.

“Maybe they just need to be wrangled a little,” Betsy said.

“Or clawed,” Aurea suggested.

I shook my head. “So far, it’s all been harmless. The pantsing thing actually worries me more. I mean, I’m fine with public nudity, obviously, but it should all be consensual.”

“What’s pantsing?” Lysandra asked.

I explained.

“Oh,” said Inka. “You can do that to me anytime, providing of course that you fuck me hard and fast afterward. It would feel like a conquest.”

“Not wearing pants,” Gren said. “Although they would have prevented chafing, I guess.”

“I don’t mind being naked,” Aurea said. “But I hate being laughed at.”

Lysandra lay back on one of the beds. “You all know that Abby wants us to pretend it’s all fine,” she said. “And therefore, that’s what we’re going to do. I don’t know why you waste all that time thinking about it when you know that it’s Abby who calls the shots.”

“Oh, cut it out, Lysandra,” Gren said. “None of us are mind-controlled, including you.”

Lysandra smiled. “Of course you think that. That’s what Abby wants you to think. It’s the best evidence of all.”

I changed the subject. “Lysandra, I thought you said that gnomes had potty mouths. They’ve been perfectly, er, couth with us.”

Lysandra shrugged. “Maybe it was an unfair stereotype.”

“Betsy, could you guard the door while I get changed?” I asked.

“Of course. As long as I can watch, too. Haven’t seen udders like that since that time in the bar.”

“You can watch.”

I changed into a snug dress. The bodice was leather, and had a zipper down the front, and the bottom was a skirt with multiple layers of tulle. I wore panties underneath, but not a bra, because the bodice was almost corset-like in its snugness. It provided a little protection, and wouldn’t change much if it got wet.

We didn’t have long to wait. After an hour there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find Bing and Boom.

“We have prepared a ritual space,” Bing said.

Valeria moved next to me, and I knew she was doing her detection magic thing. “For getting Enash out of me?”

That’s it. I’m not speaking to you. You’re not my friend anymore.

“Yes. The spell should remove Enash from you, leaving only your other personality behind. Without a body, the spirit of Enash should quickly dissipate.”

“Not lying,” Valeria said.

“That’s a lot of shoulds,” I said. “What could go wrong, and what are the chances that something goes wrong?”

Bing shrugged. “Crash and Chirp think it will work. How can one know the odds on something like this? It’s not like we do it every day. But either way, it shouldn’t harm your body, or your spirit. It is easy to detect which aura is Enash’s, and which is yours. Enash’s is almost pure black. Yours is… interesting.”

“Interesting how?”

“Pink and blue swirls,” Bing said. “Chirp says he’s never seen anything like it.”

Lysandra laughed. “Pink for boys. Blue for girls. Makes sense.”

Bing gave her a confused look. “Auras aren’t about gender,” he said. “That’s ridiculous.”

“Seriously,” Boom said. “Even a child knows that.”

Bing looked at Boom. “A gnome child knows that. These are strange people from other places.”

“This isn’t the sort of thing that someone would decide it’s funny to mess with, is it?” I asked nervously. “A practical joke, haha, we took out the wrong soul, that sort of thing?”

Bing paled. “No. This is no joking matter. Enash’s evil is the greatest the world has ever known.”

Even Boom looked serious as she shook her head violently, her pink hair flipping back and forth.

“Not lying,” Val said.

“If it doesn’t work,” Bing said, “it should just – not work. And then we would have to ask you to leave.” He turned to Val. “You can detect lies, yes?”

“Yes.”

“I mean Abby no ill will, and I do not expect anything bad can come of this. I am acting only from the highest principles, seeking the best for all of Amaranth.”

I glanced at Val. “Not lying,” she said.

“Alright,” I said. I had an ability that could counter Valeria’s, but I had no good reason to think that Bing did. “Let’s do this. Let’s get rid of Enash for once and for all.”

Still not speaking to you.

“Can you not speak to me more quietly?”

“I’m sorry?” asked Bing. “What do you mean?”

“I was talking to Enash. He’s not happy about his imminent destruction.”

“He knows?” Bing asked.

“He can hear everything I can,” I told him. “Unfortunately. And see, and touch. All the senses, as far as I can tell.”

Boom shuddered. “Y-y-you mean that he felt it when the water d-d-dumped on you?”

“Yep.”

“Uh-oh.”

Bing reached up, because he was eight inches shorter than boom, and touched her shoulder. “It’s okay. He can’t do anything.” He turned to me. “R-right?”

“Right,” I told him. “Completely powerless. Let’s do this.” I was nervous. But Valeria said the President wasn’t lying, and the opportunity to get rid of Enash permanently was too good to pass up.

“Nothing can go wrong,” Bing said to me. “Don’t worry.”

I would have worried less if he hadn’t said that, but I nodded.

We walked with Bing and Boom to another building, this one built for smaller people. The ceilings were about six feet tall, and only Betsy actually had to stoop. We all had to duck for the doorway. Stairs led from the building deep into the earth, and the gnomes descended them. Clearly we were supposed to follow.

“Abby,” Aurea said to me. “In tight quarters like this, I won’t be able to transform. I do have some magic, but don’t expect me to be able to bail us out of whatever trouble we’re getting into.”

“You think something is going to go wrong?”

“Possibly I’m just paranoid.”

I glanced at my friends. They were gripping their weapons. Apparently, they were paranoid, too.

I shrugged. Yes, something might go wrong, despite what Bing thought. But something could go wrong just carrying Enash around everywhere, too, even if so far it never had. I followed Bing and Boom through the depths of the earth, down some twisting passageways that were half natural cave and half hewn stone, until we came to large natural chamber.

There were benches here for an audience of a hundred or more, although there were only thirty or so gnomes present. Chirp and Crash were standing near a table with various odd implements lying on it. There were life-size statues of gnomes all over the place, and I was tempted to pat one on the head, just to ease my nervousness.

“Relax pardner,” Betsy said. “We won’t let this go sideways.”

I gave her a slight smile. At least here the ceiling was high enough for her. I didn’t think the room was quite big enough to contain Aurea’s dragon form. Maybe if she was all coiled up. But that didn’t matter, hopefully.

The thing that worried me the most was that Enash wasn’t begging for me not to do this. Was he plotting something?