CHAPTER 113: ONE HUNDRED & THIRTEEN

Valka

Present.

I feel so much better. Better than I have in... forever.

It’s been three weeks since I lost my mind. In the throes of ’the heat’. Best believe I am one more reminder away from dying from fucking embarrassment. Between the endless sex, arching my ass up in the air and begging to be fucked at every given opportunity, pouncing on him, pouting and crying every time he said no, I couldn’t tell which was going to kill me first. The mortification. Or my pride.

And then, there were the memories.

I’d sobbed the entire night away when I got them back. Hated myself. Felt like shit. Maybe I’ll always feel like shit when I remember everything. But Lucien had been there. I didn’t know how he could still hold me, in spite of everything. I didn’t know how he could still make me feel good about myself.

But if there was anything I took away from it, it’s that I’m not exactly the same person I used to be. Yes, there were different fragments to me. Crazy Lyra, who was a manipulative bitch, strong enough to hold mastery of her powers and create pockets of worlds in my own mind that didn’t even exist. Lyra, who was selfish and never did anything for the sake of anyone but herself. Lyra, who had stalked a man for gods know how long, got him obsessed with her, tried to kill him, failed, and in turn, became equally as obsessed with him as he was with her.

Then there was Valka. The one who had to relearn and reform herself from scratch with nothing to go off of. Valka, who loved her foul-mouthed half-brothers and mourned them. Valka, who knew her ’step-mother’ had tried to get rid of her on several occasions and rid herself of the memory because she didn’t want to see the woman differently. Didn’t know how to hate her. Valka, who no longer knew the way of the blade, but took an armor anyway and went to war for her father. Valka, who loved her father. Valka, who for one second, couldn’t stand Lucien.

There was the the past. And there is now.

I know who I am now. And maybe it’ll be a little difficult to come to terms with who I used to be, but one day at a time.

"Word came from Sir Trenton," Nath says, bringing my attention back to the map. "There are rumors, circulation of a gathered army headed from Silvermoor. An army of... half breeds, to lay siege on us."

Lucien’s thumb runs across his bottom lip. It is an absent gesture, careless, but my pulse jumps with every pass. My focus narrows, stomach twisting, breath stuttering. The sound of my pulse drowns out his voice. That thumb dips lower, pressing against the corner of his mouth, and I want to bite it.

His lips part, tongue flicking briefly against the pad of his thumb. My thighs clench. He isn’t touching me, but my body no longer knows the difference. Every nerve lights up like he is already beneath my skin again.

"Ebonheart is self-sufficient. Has been for centuries. That is not what worries me. An army of half-breeds is a trump card too valuable to be revealed now. And they have been dormant, almost quiet since we made it out. Something’s off..." His words trail off as he looks over at where I sit, all the way across from him.

I avert my gaze abruptly, staring at the figurines on the table. But the scent in the air, my scent, making even Nath shift uncomfortably, glancing back and forth between Lucien and I.

That dark voice slips into my mind. "What on earth are you thinking about?"

I ignore him, but my cheeks are burning red. I have no idea how to behave anymore, now that there is little to no walls left between us. It dawned on me at some point while I’d dressed this morning that I didn’t know how to ’not’ be his adversary. Or how to ’not’ be combative with Lucien. Or how to ’not’ resist. It was instinctual at this point to ignore my feelings or run away from them.

But he’s seen everything, has been in nearly every hole in my body. How do we come back from that? Do I want to come back from that? What is the way forward? Is this the part where I’m supposed to behave like... a wife?

What does that even entail?

Do I talk softly? Smile more? Be nice to him?

I’m afraid ’nice’ doesn’t even belong in my vocabulary.

Do I cook him meals? No. That’s what the servants are for. And I’m fairly certain I’d probably burn down the house.

Do I stop pretending I’m not imagining him on top of me every time his voice drops an octave? Even now, my body recalls what it had been like to be on heat. It’s taking all of my will power not to climb onto the table and crawl to him, grab him by his tunic and shove my tongue down his throat.

Is this what it feels like? Will I always be on some level of ’heat’ around this man?

My senses seem to have taken leave without my permission. My body has become my enemy. It’s like I awoke with a new body--crazy how I forgot to mention that apparently, three weeks of endless fucking and several many positions works wonders for your muscles. Lucien fucked my body into being toned. In three weeks!--and uncontrollable, raging hormones.

If I were a man, I’d be walking around with a boner.

I can’t even look him in the eye!

Nath clears his throat and I sag in relief when Lucien’s gaze finally stops burning holes into my cheeks. "It is more likely that the boy-king knows we aren’t at Ebonheart. And this ’seige’ is an effort to cut off the passes." His fingers drum against the table leisurely. "They’ve been fed information of our plans and the boy-king is trying to separate our forces."

My brows furrow. "But not many knew of our plans."

He has a look on his face. It isn’t a good one. This traitor that has been eluding us is closer than we originally thought. The only people who knew we weren’t with our entourage was the group that were present at the camp that night. And the specifics were narrowed down to Lucien, Trenton and Evadne. Even I didn’t know until we’d left. And I don’t think it was Trenton or Evadne, either.

Lucien nods. "We’ll leave tonight, under the cover of the dark. If they know where we’re headed, then they’ll be headed for the docks to fix a blockade."

Or they were already waiting for us. Still, leaving would be the easy part. But returning... I hope Lucien’s gamble pays off, because returning empty-handed would be walking right into the hands of our enemies. It’d be an execution. For us first, then all of Ebonheart.

Lucien studies the map, the muscle in his cheek ticking as he traces a finger along the southern ridge. "Send word back to Trenton. Tell him to hold the line at the wall front but not to commit the bulk of the forces until he sees their numbers. Have the scouts circle through the Frostvale Pass and report any movement east of the ridge."

There are only two other passes that lead to Ebonheart. Tellere was already taken. Cut off. The third was the least likely, having a protective veil over it, because that entrance was closest to the common-folk. It’s the same entrance Lucien had taken us prisoners through when we came to Ebonheart.

Still, as Nath takes a step back, Lucien adds, "Have them double the watch at the outer gates. And send word to the old fort at Graymere. If Silvermoor means to advance through that valley, that might be an opening. Have them destroy that ridge. It will buy them some time until we return."

Nath leaves and I rise from the chair, not quite looking at his face as I say, "I’ll... go pack--"

"You’re acting strange."

My gaze snaps up and too late, I realize my error. Because I’m looking at his face. And he looks like a meal made for me. Still, I force confusion and innocence into my expression. "I don’t know what you mean."

"You won’t look me in the eye when you speak to me. You ran from my bedroom when I went to get you dinner last night. You ignored my call for breakfast this morn. And when I came up to your room, you wouldn’t let me in." He rises, seven feet of absurd beauty and rippling muscles in black leathers. "Are you... giving me space?"

"No. I just..." My fingers curl into my palm. "I don’t... know what we are anymore."

He walks around the table and I take a step back, even if he keeps a respectable distance away from me. "There have always been a blur on the labels that existed between us. What about that troubles you now?"

The back of my calves hit the chair. "I don’t know how I feel about you, Lucien."

"You have all eternity to figure it out. But you will cease fleeing from me and this nonsensical distance you’re putting between us."

"There’s been a lot to unpack. There are conversations to be had. I just need a little bit of time to process things--"

"You can have that," he murmurs, his eyes trailing the curve of my neck. And lower. "You can ’process’ things in my bed."

I swallow, taking another step back. "That’s not how it works, Lucien."

He follows me, as if tugged forward by a leash. "If you wanted the lines to remain clear between us, you shouldn’t have asked me to fuck you. You’ve had your hands on my dick, Val. And it will remain there. So, take whatever time you need to think of all the things you want us to be, or whatever labels you wish to attach to our relationship. But you will do it in our bed, naked as the day you were born. Or you can spend it here, on this table, helping me strategize while I bury myself inside you until you do not remember your own name. Both yield useful results."

My mouth opens. "You aren’t being very fair right now."

He puffs a breath that smells of winter and leather and something dangerously like affection. "No, but I can be very persuasive." He reaches forward to thumb my lip and I jerk back at that vicious pull that urges me forward.

All Lucien has to do to get me wet is breathe.

Maybe I lived like an animal in the last couple of days, but I’ve decided I don’t want him knowing that in my lucid moments, he still has that kind of power over me.

My legs tangle against the unmoving chair and I fall, ass hitting the wood. My fingers clutch the arm of the chair as Lucien drops into a crouch in front of me and my thighs part of their own will to accommodate him. "We have better things to worry about. Like the war--"

He grabs my ankle and pulls off the heels with painstaking slowness. "You didn’t care about that when you sat on my face."

A furious blush attacks my skin. "I wasn’t in my right mind."

"You are now," he murmurs, staring at my toes painted in soft pink. I should’ve expected it, but nothing quite prepared you for the moment a man sucks on your toe. You wouldn’t think it was an erogenous zone until your nipples peak against your dress and you make a muffled moan deep in your throat. He raises his head and sets the curve of my ankle on his shoulder as he hikes up my dress. "And your predisposition still hasn’t changed. You still smell like you did. Even better, ripened for my taking."

Heat floods the apex of my thighs. He has the hem of my dress up to my hip now, and my thighs are hot against the wood. "So process," he purrs seductively, mouth lowering to the inside of my thigh. "Or don’t. But you must stop avoiding me. Or don’t, actually. It only racks up my excitement."

My bottom lip catches between my teeth. "I avoid you because I cannot think around you."

He laughs against my skin, bright and filthy. "Is that a complaint or a confession?"

"Can’t it be both?"

His fingers press against my panties, fangs pincing my thighs. "If it makes you feel any better, the feeling is mutual." A finger pushes into me and I gasp, head dropping back against the chair’s back. But it isn’t enough. I need him to fill me up completely. He holds my waist in place. "Choose."

I start to ask what, but he curls his finger and it comes out as ’hmm?’

"Bed or table."

I had thought he was kidding or trying to get under my skin. But he looks really serious, hunger darkening his eyes. "You’re insufferable," I breathe.

"And you love me for it."

Something in me melts and something else snaps upright and obedient. I lick my lips. "Table."

He grabs my wrist and hauls me against the table like I’m lighter than air. My dress hikes higher, my legs wrapping around him while I close my arms around his neck. His nails dig into my ass as he presses me flush against him, lips curving against my mouth. "Good. ’Processing’ commences immediately."