Kazuki Hoshino (19), October 3

Thinking again. Suddenly. Before was only chaos, a jumble of stuff I couldn’t process. Like I was here, but my mind was far away. Sometimes I wanted to move, but I didn’t. Like me and my body were separate things. Couldn’t stop it. Just acted on its own.

Now I finally have control. But I’m not completely free. Like choosing the correct response with the channel button on a TV remote. Sometimes I mess up, press the wrong button.

I recall language relatively quickly from the jumble. Because someone keeps talking to me. My knowledge comes back, too. My memory, though, is fragmented. Broken and unreliable. Doesn’t really feel like mine. It’s scattered like a jigsaw puzzle I can’t put together. Maybe I’ll never put it together.

I try walking around the house. It’s empty. No one’s here. My big sister, Roo, isn’t home, either. Actually, Roo cries a lot and says I’m not myself. Oh. I always thought this me had no connection to me. I thought I was just seeing a lot of strange images. I had it wrong. I am me. I know that now.

I go to the kitchen. I open the cupboard and eat a cookie from a box. I could eat even when I wasn’t me. I vaguely remember eating before. My mom would always ask me if it was good, but I didn’t really understand. I did know I would be like “Whoa” when it was spicy. I had rice every day. It was kind of soggy and flavorless, so I hated it. I only ate candy because I only understood sweet things. One day, my mom put something on my rice. She called it “furikake powder.” Suddenly, rice tasted like something. I started to like rice. The furikake was like magic.

When I stop at the entryway, the door opens. The girl’s eyes widen, but she quickly smiles. Maybe because I rarely leave my room.

This is the woman who lives with me. Her smell is refreshing, and I’m happy to see her. “Kazuki, I’m home. I met with Usui today. I was surprised at how muscular he’s gotten.” I don’t know who this Usui person is, but I nod my head. The woman’s eyes turn as round as circles. “…It’s almost like you understand me. Do you understand what I’m saying?” I nod my head again. The woman’s face turns bright red, and she calls for my family. Um, no one’s here. Maybe I should tell her? I try to speak. But I can’t. The words in my head and the words in my mouth aren’t connected. I try to talk, but it comes out as gibberish.

My head still isn’t clear inside. It’s a mess, like everything’s scrambled with a mixer. It’s so hard to put each piece back.

But I still remember the most important word.

Maria.

That’s her name.

My family is happy I can think again. Maria, too. But I still can’t talk to them.

But my family talks to me more about things. Before, everyone except for Maria had trouble talking to me. Now, I think they like it. That makes me happy, too.

I’m in the same room every day. I only go into the other rooms when someone calls me. Maria lives here, too. I don’t remember from when. She isn’t family, so I think it’s strange we live together. But nobody in my family complains about it, so they must be right. Still, when I hear Maria snoring on the top bunk, I get strangely excited. I can’t help but think that maybe we shouldn’t live together.

Maria and the others often try to make me go outside. They do it more now that I can think again.

I hate it outside, though. Too much light. Too many colors. Too much information in my eyes and in my head. I scream and cry, and my head always starts to hurt. When I cry at Maria for making me go outside, she finally brings me back to my room. She always looks very sad. Well, she shouldn’t do it in the first place.

Maria says something to me every day.

“I’m going to marry you.”

“Marry.” I know that word. It means becoming family. It’s something people who love each other do. But I don’t understand. If we’re living together, do we need to get married?

“I won’t force you, though. I’ll wait until you truly want to.”

She says that every day, too.

“And if you don’t try to take back your normal life, we won’t do it at all.”

She says that, too. I’m sick of hearing it.

I’m kind of angry. I don’t understand what Maria wants to say, but she’s giving me some ridiculous orders. She’s being selfish.

When I turn away from her, Maria looks very sad. Sadder than ever before.

For some reason, my chest has hurt all day. It bothers me so much, I can’t sleep, and I start crying on the bottom bunk. Maria notices and comes down from her bed and hugs me. “What’s wrong?” she asks. I feel better. She’s warm. I want her to do this forever.

Finally, I realize why I’m sad. It’s because Maria looked so sad earlier. I never want to see her make that face again. If Maria’s sad, I’m sad.

How can I make it so she isn’t sad?

I should probably listen to everything she says. Then we’ll be able to get married like she wants. I’m sure that once we’re married, Maria will always be smiling.

Imagining it makes me happy.

So I’ll try to endure, even when it’s hard.

I start going outside without anyone asking. Because that’s what Maria wants.

When Maria and I go on a walk, people from the neighborhood usually say hello. I feel like I know them, but I’ve never really talked to any of them before. They talk like they care, but it’s completely different from Maria or my family. They use the same words, but they don’t mean them. They give me mean looks, too. If I was dancing around naked, they’d act the same way. It makes me mad. When I get too mad, Maria looks at me and says, “Shall we call it a day?” Then she brings me back to my room.

I’m scared of people I know and of complete strangers. Most people ignore us or look away, but the ones who don’t always stare. It happens a lot. It puts me in a bad mood. I can’t tell what they’re thinking like I can with Maria and my family. Maybe they’re gonna run up to us and kill us. Imagining it makes me too scared to move. Each time that happens, Maria gently says, “It’s okay.”

People aren’t the only obstacles outside. There are these big things that are really fast, and I know if one of them hit me, I would die. I’m terrified of them. Everyone else doesn’t mind them, but I can’t get over it. I remember someone named Mogi. One of them hit her, and something really bad happened to her. I also remember hearing that thousands of people die because of them each year. If so, then why is everyone okay with them? My hand tightens on Maria’s when cars and motorcycles pass by too close. Maria usually squeezes my hand back and smiles at me.

But the trains are even worse than the streets. Lots of strangers riding around inside of big boxes. Everyone is all crushed together. The information overload is too much for me. My mind can’t keep up. I have to think about dozens of people at once. Have I met this person before and I just don’t remember? Are those smartphones they’re staring at really so interesting? I wonder if they think lots of different things like I do. I wonder if they all have their own lives. My head feels like it’s going to explode with all these thoughts. Maria says, “You don’t need to worry about other people,” but I can’t do that. I still can’t sort out information. I can’t tell what I need and what I don’t. I want to start screaming, but I hold it in. But I have my limits. When I start to think I can’t take any more, Maria always gets me off the train at the next station. She rubs my back and helps me calm down.

Even though I can’t speak, Maria always does what I want her to do. It’s incredible. Maybe she has ESP?

We practice going outside for days and days. Maria says going outdoors at all is a good stimulus for me. In fact, I’m getting better at controlling myself. My thoughts are a bit more ordered. My memories connect now, and they seem to be coming back more often.

It seems Maria’s goal isn’t just to take me for walks outside, though. She wants to take me somewhere. I probably keep turning back partway because I can’t make it all the way.

But one day, Maria happily says to me, “We made it.”

The place is a hospital. I go to the hospital regularly, but this one is much bigger. Maria takes out her smartphone and calls someone. After a bit, a woman with long hair appears.

“Kazu!” She calls out to me with a big smile on her face. I think she knows me… Hmm? I get the feeling I know her very well, too. She’s much thinner than the girl in my memory, but her bright eyes and double eyelids are unmistakable.

Kokone Kirino.

As soon as I remember her name, I feel a sharp pain in my chest. I think I did something awful to this person.

“It looks like he recognizes you. And I think he feels guilty.”

“Really? I’m amazed you can tell; his expression didn’t change.”

“I know everything about Kazuki.” Maria pats my back. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, Kazuki. You may not remember, but Kirino came to visit you many times. By the way, haven’t you been slowing down a bit lately?”

Now that Maria mentions it—a person who looked like her did come to my room before I returned to my senses. I think I saw her at least once or twice even after then. Yeah, my memory still has a way to go.

Kokone bends down and peers into my face.

“Hey. You don’t need to feel sorry. I’m grateful to you.”

Grateful? Even after I did something horrible?

I’m confused, but Kokone grabs me by the wrist and begins to walk off. I don’t know why, but when she glances back at me, she’s grinning.

“I’m glad you were able to make it all the way here. I’ve been wishing for you to get better with all my heart. And—”

Maria looks up at one of the hospital windows, then finishes the sentence. “There’s someone you have to see, and you can only meet him here.”

Kokone tells me:

“Go and see Daiya, Kazu!”

I don’t recognize the person sitting up on the bed.

But Kokone says his name is Daiya Oomine.

I remember a person named Daiya. He was really smart, and he had silver hair and earrings. This person is different, though. He has black hair and no earrings. But he’s different in a deeper way, too.

At first, I’m not sure for a moment if he’s really a “person” or not. I’ve never met a person so still. He’s almost as quiet as a plant, but he still has more raw life to him than any other human I know. I try to remember, but I don’t recall a friend like this.

He moves his head slowly.

“……”

His voice is too soft, and I can’t hear what he says. I’m still frightened, unsure of what he is. Maria pushes my back, bringing my ear close to his mouth.

“…Kazu, it’s been a while.”

His voice is thin, like an old person’s.

I can feel my heart stirring a little. But he still doesn’t match my image of “Daiya Oomine.”

“Sorry, but it seems like he still doesn’t remember you.”

“I see. We’ve both got our problems. I’d heard about it, but I’m still surprised to see Kazu like this in person. It’s like he’s been reborn as someone else.”

“No, that’s not the right way to put it. Kazuki will go back to the way he was soon. He will come back to his normal life.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right…”

His expression doesn’t shift much at all. Maybe he can’t move his face very much yet.

“Then I guess I can’t let him show me up. By the time you get married, I’ll be able to walk on my own to the ceremony,” he says, and he shakily extends a hand. His hand is thin and pale.

I also reach out automatically. And I see the scar on the back of my right hand.

“—Ah.”

I am suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Images of the past are coming into my head. One of them is me looking down at Daiya as he falls to his knees. I’m attacking him until he can no longer stand. I can’t remember everything, but I know enough.

—I did this to him.

“Agh…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…”

I begin to cry right then in a loud voice. I know it won’t do anything, but I can’t stop myself. I just sob, drop to my knees, and put my head on the floor.

“…Otonashi. Does he do this a lot?”

He looks confused.

“No…this kind of reaction is a first.”

I can’t forgive myself. I hurt this person for my own desires. He wasn’t the only victim; I hurt many other people. My memories are the proof. I remember killing lots of people. I remember it made me alone.

I did all of it just so the person I love could be beside me.

Yes…I am the worst kind of criminal.

“I think Kazuki is blaming himself. That’s why he’s acting this way.”

“…I see.”

Daiya puts his hands on the rails of the bed. He grits his teeth with effort.

“You had unshakable conviction. It was for your own sake, not ours, so I can understand why you’d blame yourself for following through. But in the end, your conviction saved all of us. That’s no accident. That’s how your beliefs are, and you can see it if you look closely.”

Then he stands up. He looks very unsteady, but he’s standing on two legs.

“D-Daiya…you can stand…?”

Kokone’s eyes are moist.

Daiya smiles back at her and puts his hand on my head. I’m still kneeling on the floor.

“See? I can stand up, and in the future, I’ll be able to stand up even better. Thanks to you. I forgave you a long time ago.”

“I forgive you, too.” Kokone wipes away her tears and beams at me.

Forgive?

Everyone forgives me?

It’s too perfect. Can I believe them? Is it right for them to be so kind?

When I raise my head, Daiya holds his hand out to me again.

His hand is still thin and shaking. But I can see his strength of will in his eyes.

My hand darts forward and clasps his. It feels very different from the Daiya Oomine I knew.

But he finally connects to the “Daiya Oomine” within my memories.

Yeah—

This is Daiya.

Daiya has forgiven me.

After that day, my thoughts start to process smoothly. The fog within my head clears more and more. I gradually come to understand the information I need, and I adjust to all the many colors of the world. With a little effort, I can even go outside on my own.

I meet lots of different people after that. I meet Kasumi Mogi at a huge facility with lots of people in wheelchairs called a rehabilitation center. I remember only that she was my classmate, but Mogi seems to enjoy talking about her life now. She’s really cute when she smiles, but when it makes my heart beat a little faster, Maria bops me on the head. But she’s usually so nice…

I meet Haruaki Usui on the baseball field of a famous university. I’m confused because he’s much more intense than the Haruaki I remember. He’s going to be in his first regular game, so he’s extra excited.

I meet Yuri Yanagi at a café near Tokyo University. Yuri exudes more sex appeal than I recall, and she’s accompanied by some men I don’t know. She takes tons of photos of Maria, saying she looks like a painting. Maria isn’t too happy about that.

In a park near my house, I meet my middle school classmates Nana Yanagi and Toji Kijima. Yanagi is happy that I’m better and kisses me on the cheek. Maria bops me again, even though it’s not my fault.

Without exception, everyone greets me with heartfelt smiles. Why is that? Didn’t I do horrible things to all of them? Why is everyone being nice to me? I’ve changed so much. I can’t even speak.

There is one thing I’m certain of now, though. I need everyone’s strength to return to normal. All of them have my scattered memories. If I talk to them, the pieces will gradually come together.

I can remember what sort of normal life I led.

Each time my memory is reinforced, I take back some of my former self.

But even after all that, I still can’t speak.

The chaos in my mind is for the most part under control, so there might be another reason I can’t talk.

Maybe I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the interactions I’ll have once I’m able to communicate. I once put myself in total solitude. I believed it was best for me not to be involved with anyone. I thought it was right for me to be alone in this world. I still can’t rid myself of that idea.

Daiya said he forgives me, but my sins run deep. I believe I should stay locked in a cell.

Yes, but I also don’t think I could stand being without Maria.

I’m sure Maria couldn’t take my not being here, either.

Today is Maria’s graduation ceremony.

I’m cooking for Maria; she should be home soon. Avocado salad and the karaage fried chicken she likes. Roo even bought her favorite strawberry tarts. I was terrified of knives and fire when I first started coming back, but I’m fine with them now. I still have an affinity for sweet things, but it annoys everyone, so I’ve been working on my seasoning. Lately, they’ve complimented me on my cooking.

Maria wanted to start working immediately after graduation, but my parents were vehemently against it. They persuaded her to go to college, arguing that it would a better way of returning the favor in the long run. She normally never changes her mind once it’s made up, but maybe she had similar thoughts herself, or maybe she couldn’t ignore the opinion of my parents since she’s living off them, or maybe it was both. Either way, she ended up taking the entrance exam and decided to enroll in college. Beginning this spring, Maria will be Iroha’s underclassman.

My days have gotten much more peaceful. Maybe they will be for a while.

But—

It happens while I’m dropping the chicken into the oil, thinking about all these things.

“—Ah.”

The world is suddenly enshrouded in fog.

I’m flung away from where I am, cut off from everything. Nothing has anything to do with me. I can’t see the meaning in anything. Nothing is solid. My memory scatters; my thoughts disperse. I fade, fade, fade, fade, fade—

(Oh, I’ve reverted to what I was before I took my mind back.)

My world is dimmer than a dream, with no color or language or setting. It feels like being dropped into a bottomless swamp with my hands and feet bound. It’s hard to breathe. Yes…I once planned to sink like this, never to resurface. I struggle, but I can’t move, and I have no sense of direction. Into a void where the word “despair” doesn’t even exist—falling. I fall.

But she spoke to me that entire time without giving up, kept calling out to me: “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” with all kinds of emotions. “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” in so many tones of voice. “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” but always, no matter what, with love and hope.

That’s why I can make it back.

“Kazuki!”

The haze is driven away, and I am instantly back in the kitchen. Maria’s concerned face is right next to mine. She’s holding an envelope that probably has her diploma in it, and the bouquet bound with pink string is dumped on the table.

Having come back to my senses, I quickly turn off the burner for the pot with the oil in it.

“A-are you okay, Kazuki?”

I look into Maria’s eyes and nod that I am.

Yes, there is definitely still something “empty” within me. It’s the focus of an infection that has taken root inside me. It could attack at any time. The almost infinite hours I lived through have a weight that can occasionally crush my mind. It’s too heavy for me to bear. This “emptiness,” this affliction of the mind, can open its mouth wide at any time and lead me into its world of nothingness.

But I’m okay.

After all, I know.

I know that if it does, Maria will call to me and bring me back.

You know, I want to be with Maria forever.

How can I make that happen? If I had a whole lifetime to describe how I’m feeling, I couldn’t put it into words; how can I express it to her?

Yes, but I also sense that one word might be enough.

She always brings me back with a single word, so isn’t it best if I call to her the same way?

I open my mouth.

And I say that most precious word.

“ ”

It’s been so long that I don’t know if my pronunciation is correct, but I think I said it right.

After all, the crybaby Maria is crying tears of joy.

Maria Hoshino (18), September 8

I cut my hair before, but I’ve been growing it out for this day. Right now, my updo is concealed under a veil.

In the past, my long hair made me look like her.

Now that I’m eighteen, though, the resemblance has faded. There are no longer any shadows of her in me.

That definitely makes me a little uneasy.

But whenever I feel anxious, he always says the word I need to hear.

“Let’s go, Maria.”

The door opens. The sky chapel on the top floor of the hotel is filled with blue. The almost blinding light shines down on the people we love, who are smiling.

I’m wearing a pure-white dress. He takes my hand and turns forward.

Our wish is eternal.

For us, this other wish, this promise before heaven, is nothing.

THE END