124,390th Time

Let’s say, just hypothetically, that this world is continually repeating the day of the school festival, and no one is aware of the repetition, like in the Rejecting Classroom.

Maybe I, at least, am able to notice the loops. If so, then you’d expect me to try to get out of this place. I’d try to escape for the sake of the girl whose name I can’t remember. I’d consider any means, even suicide.

But let’s say that I don’t have any clues, that this world doesn’t have a single lead. I doubt I would give up that easily, but eventually, I’d have to because there simply isn’t anything to go on. When I’m exhausted, when I’ve lost my reason and my humanity, I will relinquish my memories and try to find meaning in this looping world in order to keep my mind intact.

And I will choose to live with Mogi.

But that won’t make it end.

After all, if this world keeps on repeating and repeating, I’ll eventually realize it’s repeating again. I will struggle to find a way out, fail, and give up again. I will choose Mogi again to end my suffering, failing to recall what I’ve done before.

That will repeat. Over and over again.

It would be a hell of uninterrupted torment. Countless times, I would jump into the lake of blood and suffering in the belief that some nonexistent hope was to be found at the bottom, and then I would forget again. Then I would foolishly dive again in search of hope. There is no escaping it.

No conclusion. No happy ending, of course, but not a bad ending, either.

Let’s say this is where I am.

“I love you, Kazu,” Mogi says, illuminated by the flames of the bonfire. I love Mogi, too, and yet the words that should bring me joy don’t affect me at all.

“Kazu?”

I run off with my head down as Mogi cries for me to stop. I ignore her, leave the schoolyard, and enter the building.

I’ll go to the roof. That’s what comes to mind unconsciously, but I shake my head at the thought. Why does that come so easily? It’s as if the jump has become habitual.

Obeying habit is not going to get me out of here.

I turn back, this time entering the home economics classroom.

Breathing raggedly, I lean against a cooking table. I can see the bonfire from here through the window. As I watch the dancing students, I think to myself:

The resolution is too low.

It’s so pixelated, almost like a mosaic. It’s obvious it’s a sham. I’m sure the world was this way from the very beginning—I simply never spotted it before. If I don’t believe this, there’s no saving me.

That truly is just an example I thought up. It’s not real. Something that horrifying could never be.

It’s all a wild delusion, and I’m mentally ill.

But there’s a reality I cannot flee.

I want to die already.

I open a drawer and pull out a kitchen knife. I’m oddly unhesitant.

I plunge the knife into my heart. I can feel the undeniable sensation of muscle squelching, as if I’ve stabbed a giant caterpillar. I’m gushing blood.

I should have died.

124,391st Time

But my memory carries over. I teleport, slip through time, and arrive in the classroom just before the school festival begins.

I’m able to accept this out of hand. It lets me know that my suspicion that the school festival is repeating is based in reality.

There’s only one thought on my mind. I go straight to the home economics room.

I find a knife, then stab it into my own heart.

124,392nd Time

And yet, I retain my memories. I want to die, and yet the more I try, the more I prove to myself that I am in the midst of a purposeless cycle.

A knife to the heart isn’t enough to kill me, it seems. Is it because it takes time for me to bleed out? Would an instant death be any different?

Stumbling out of the classroom, I head to the bypass and find the biggest truck I can. I jump out in front of it unhesitatingly and let it hit me.

124,393rd Time

However, my memory carries over, and I am alive. I’m in the classroom. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

I’m shrieking involuntarily, and my classmates stare at me in bewilderment. I don’t care.

I go to the train station and head to the very end of the platform.

I jump in front of the train as it barrels toward us. My body flies apart.

124,394th Time

And yet, my memory carries over, and I return to the classroom. I’m fine, even though that was as close to an instant death as possible. I’m still alive.

There is no means of escaping this looping world.

I start wailing. I lie on my back and thrash my arms and legs like some child throwing a fit because his parents won’t buy him a toy. My classmates give me strange looks, but I don’t care.

They’re going to forget about it anyway, right?

Just because I make myself feel a bit better with a good cry doesn’t mean I’m ready to give up on dying. I get up and run into the bathroom. I sit on the toilet and look up ways to die on my cell phone. I’ll try all of the causes of death written here. There may be one that is the right answer. My heart rate finally returns to normal with this thought. I find peace only when I’m thinking about death.

I’ll start things this time with electrocution.

I climb a utility pole and grab the three power lines with wet hands.

124,395th Time

I don’t die. But I’m not surprised. Not dying doesn’t make me pessimistic.

I’ll try hanging myself this time.

124,396th Time

This time I’ll drown in the ocean.

124,423rd Time

Death by train, death by impact, death by electrocution, death by hanging, death by falling, death by crushing, drowning, bleeding out, suffocation, freezing, burning, bombing—I experienced pretty much every death out there, and I still didn’t die.

I finally give up on dying… Give up? Ha-ha, hey, I guess I’m giving up again.

A dry laugh escapes my lips. I give up. How many times does this make it? How many tens of thousands of times? How many times have I lived and relived this, chasing a dream that will never come true?

Suddenly angry, I scratch furiously at my head until it bleeds. Not that that solves anything, of course.

My back is completely against a wall. There’s nothing I can do. If I stop taking my life and lose my memories of the repetitions, I’ll simply try to find traces of the girl whose name I have forgotten again. Then I’ll throw in the towel when I can’t find any leads and choose to live here with Mogi. I’ll quickly forget my long struggle, only to fall to despair and start killing myself repeatedly when I suddenly realize I’m living the same day over and over yet again.

Give me a break. What sort of hell is this? If there’s a crueler form of torment out there, I’d love to know what it is.

The meager hope I’ve held on to in this hellish place and the despair that arrives all too quickly are both equally meaningless. They’ve been painted over until they’re one and the same. I’ve been forced to ceaselessly walk through this sandstorm with no destination. It continues no matter how far I walk. The landscape has been eroded away. My throat is so dry, and when I open my mouth, the sand comes in. I cough violently.

What did I do? Why is this my fate?!

“Someone… Someone answer me!”

I shout, but no one responds. I dash out of the classroom. My legs lead me to that familiar place—the roof. The red sky leaps into my vision when I open the door.

I’m briefly stunned, and then I laugh at myself.

“Heh…heh…”

I mean, the sky is dyed red even though it’s still morning. It isn’t the color of twilight, either. This sinister red is the rich hue of blood.

Looks as if I lost my mind quite some time ago, and that’s why my perception of the world is skewed. I look at the blue sky and see a red one.

I can’t stop laughing as I approach the chain-link fence. I don’t care what happens anymore. So what if I die? Looking down at the ground, I see a whole pile of dead bodies.

I don’t understand. It’s absurd. It must be a hallucination. Red-black blood is pooled beneath the corpses. While there are a variety of expressions on the bodies, the majority of their faces are contorted with pain.

And all of them belong to me.

“—Ha-ha.”

Hey, these are all the lives I’ve spit out. All the lives I’ve ended here for no reason.

I had been laughing, but now I have to cry. I suppose it’s only natural. This sight is a visual assault. It’s as if someone is stabbing my eyeballs with a knife.

I have to face reality. This is the fate that’s befallen me here. I’ve died so many times. And yet, I’m still not free. It’s earned me nothing. There’s nowhere to run.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!”

I scream.

I scream even though my voice will never reach anywhere.

“It’s nothing to get so twisted up about. You should be proud.”

No one should have heard my cry, but a voice replies. I’m not even fazed by this impossibility. Having auditory hallucinations after visual ones isn’t enough to shock me.

“It’s proof of how you’ve resisted this world.”

The one who spoke is sitting irreverently atop the piled corpses, legs crossed. I open my eyes to look at them and see a sympathetic smile.

The person’s face—belongs to me, Kazuki Hoshino.

I don’t care that the hallucination resembles me. What matters more is its infuriatingly tranquil demeanor.

It’s just so similar to my enemy’s.

That’s why I shout back, full of emotion, “So what if I’ve resisted? All this dying and holding on to my memory doesn’t mean anything! It never will!”

“It isn’t without meaning.”

The thing with my face responds.

“What?”

“Pay attention, and you will know it isn’t meaningless.”

“Pay attention to what?!”

“The changes you have made.”

Changes? The only change is that I’ve lost my mind. And maybe I’ve fallen in love with Mogi. That’s it. What does any of that matter? It doesn’t make anything different.

“You’re wrong,” “I” say. “Why, look how red the sky is.”

“……”

It definitely is red.

What about it, though?

I look at “me” again, trying to determine his true intent. He is the only thing in full color, sitting on top of the monochrome sketch of a haphazard mound of corpses. He’s smiling creepily. There is a scar on his right hand.

A scar. What did that mean again…?

What was the vow it represented…?

“Do you know why your fight in this world has been such a hard one? It’s because you feel the pull of this place where everyone can live in bliss. You are unable to completely cast aside a world where you and Kasumi Mogi are in love. Without those feelings, there would have been no need for this many bodies.”

No need?

“You’re saying all these bodies have a point?”

“Yes. After all, such things aren’t necessary in a truly happy world, right? It only gets in the way, doesn’t it? On this stage, there is nothing but joy—except for this enormous pile. Did you really think it wouldn’t have at least some sort of effect?”

“It’s meaningless! It’s just meaningless, and I can prove it! I can’t even remember her—”

“Do not act as if you have forgotten.”

“My” gentle voice suddenly becomes stern.

“Do not act as if you have forgotten ‘her’ name.” “My” glare is cold. “Don’t run away. Don’t take refuge in false happiness. Look everything square in the face. Look at this world for what it is. You lack resolve. You lack the determination to abandon it all and serve only her. You unconsciously realized what sort of outcome putting that into action would invite. You could not do itbecause you knew that an even greater despair was waiting for you after you did.”

“Wh-what’re you—?”

“You know full well. You say you would do anything for her, yet you were unable to cross that final line. You couldn’t cast aside your humanity. You lost the wound on your right hand, and you used that as an excuse to put off making that ultimate decision.”

“I” gaze intently at me.

“Can you not save her without relying on the Empty Box? Are you that weak?”

I gulp and shake my head vigorously. “…It’s just… I don’t know what to do…”

“Call out her name. You will know for yourself once you do.”

“B-but I forgot her name. I don’t even remember what she was like…”

“You could never forget. There is no way you of all people could forget her. After all, you are her savior.”

“My” expression softens. “Now finish this world off.”

With that, “I” vanish.

The pile of corpses also disappears.

“

”

I have been conversing with a visual and auditory hallucination, a delusion. But everything in this world is a delusion, with no reality to oppose it. Nothing is certain; there is no deeper structure, no core; it’s an unreliable world, thin like the paper of a shoji screen. You could punch a hole in it with a little kick.

Even a delusion could slowly take over this place.

As my other self said, I look at my present situation head-on.

“…Oh, I see.”

I thought the red sky was my senses playing tricks on me.

That’s wrong. When I really, really think back on it, I realize I was wrong.

The sky has always been red for the entire day here.

That’s a proven fact.

My attack on this world has landed.

I’ve killed myself over and over to retain my memory. This place is meant to loop happily, and that was my act of rebellion. Much like scraping away at the wall of a prison cell with a spoon, I’ve been damaging this world bit by bit. There were times when the siren call of its normal life of lies tempted me. But even when my heart was briefly swayed, I never stopped resisting this world. I never truly lost my way.

Exulting in the red sky, I spread my hands and turn around in place.

—Yes, this bloodstained sky is my handiwork.

That’s right. I’ll do what my other self said to do.

“…I’ll finish off this world.”

The untold repetitions were not all for nothing. Seeing the effect of my attacks has given me determination.

Ahhh…the excitement is burning behind my eyes.

I leave the rooftop and run down the stairs. I start to head straight back to the classroom right away, but I stop by the home economics room to pick a certain something up first. The resolution lowers, and I pass by the blurry people. Damn, how did I never question how flimsy they are?

There is a girl in a wheelchair in the classroom—Kasumi Mogi. I can’t see anyone else clearly, but she stands out in bold color.

“Mogi!” I shout, flushed and wide-eyed. She flinches. Anyone can see that there’s something wrong with me.

I couldn’t care less what they think.

I take both of Mogi’s hands and ask her a question. “What do you think love is?”

Mogi just tilts her head with a puzzled look; I’m acting strange. Still gripping her hands firmly, I stare her in the eyes.

“O-ow… H-hey, what’s gotten into you, Kazuki?”

“Hurry up and answer me.”

Frightened, Mogi replies, “…Um, you asked about love, right? Well…I guess liking someone a whole lot? And caring for each other…maybe?”

I shake my head. “That’s not enough. I think love goes much deeper than that. It’s a point of no return. It’s more than caring for your partner; it’s absorbing each other, becoming inseparable. She and I are a single concept. A single body. Lose my partner, and I will no longer be myself. That’s what I think love is!!”

It’s turning into a rant.

“Yes. That’s why the trace of her I’ve been searching for is right here.”

I point at my chest.

“I couldn’t find a single piece of her anywhere in this world. I thought there weren’t any. Heh-heh…I’m such an idiot. It couldn’t have been any closer. If I dissect myself, I’ll find that part of her there.”

“What… What are you talking about? You’re scaring me…”

“Just understanding that isn’t good enough. That alone won’t bring me to her. I have to make myself feel her even more. What do you think I should do? Hey, what do you think I should do?”

“…S-stop!” Mogi knocks my hands away.

Am I shocked? Yeah, I am. I love Mogi, after all. But there’s no way around this.

I’m a traitor to this world. No one will take my side.

“I have to feel that trace of her inside me, more and more and more—”

I pull out the kitchen knife I had hidden in my pocket.

“—so I need to be alone.”

“…Huh, ah…!”

I thrust the knife toward Mogi’s chest.

There’s a way to erase people from this world.

Back in the Rejecting Classroom, Mogi succeeded at erasing others by killing them.

I’m trying the same method to get rid of Mogi.

I yank the knife out of her torso, and blood comes gushing out. Guilt washes over me along with the spray. I love Mogi, truly love her, and yet here I am killing her. Murdering a girl who has no idea what is happening, who tries to live positively despite her awful injury. If I recall those fun times I had with her in even the slightest, my brain will likely cease to function, crushed by the guilt of what I have done.

But I am insane. I am capable of kicking morality to the curb and locking away those memories.

I chant softly amid the uproar in the classroom.

“Love.

“Love.

“Love.”

Keep your thoughts together. Don’t hesitate. Remain resolute. Abandon your emotions. Cast aside the future. Don’t stray from the course. Keep moving forward. For the sake of love. For the sake of love. For the sake of love.

For the sake of love, everyone must die.

Now scream.

Scream the name of the girl who lies at the end of your path.

“Maria!”

Yes, her name is—

—Maria.

Maria Otonashi.

I chose her. I chose Maria.

That’s why—

“Please just disappear, Kasumi Mogi!”

—I jab the kitchen knife back into Mogi’s chest.

…Hey, now that I think about it, Mogi once tried to kill me with a home economics knife back in the Rejecting Classroom. She couldn’t bring herself to stab me in the end, though. She was unable cross that final line and kill someone she loved. She kept her humanity intact.

I have stepped over that line.

This is farewell to Kazuki Hoshino as a human.

An impact runs through my right shoulder. I drop the knife and fall shoulder first. Upon looking up to see what happened, I find Haruaki standing there, his eyes wide. It seems he slammed into me and knocked me over.

“What… What…are you doing, Hosshi?!”

Haruaki attempts to tend to Mogi, but it’s no use. As the one who stabbed her, I know.

I killed Kasumi Mogi for certain.

That alone won’t end this, however. Mogi is the most powerful person binding me to this world, but there are others with more than enough strength to keep me here. Haruaki is particularly dangerous.

—Should I stab him, too?

I consider it, but it would be difficult to take out someone with a physique like Haruaki’s when he’s already on guard.

If I stay here, Haruaki and the others will probably work me over for my crimes. Haruaki’s words might cause my resolution to falter. I can’t rule out the possibility that some twist of fate might prevent a massacre.

I have to get out of here, and fast.

I should get away before my human heart returns.

I jam the knife into my throat.

All around me, they’re screaming. I fall facedown and smile as I trace the blood flowing from me with my fingers.

—Yes, let your mind go.

Lose your mind until you can no longer accept anyone but yourself.

Get rid of everything else so that you can be completely alone for your reunion with the Maria within your heart.

124,424th Time

—Maria.

The moment I shout that name, the gears of my mind spin so fast I can practically hear them. My brain scrapes and shudders with a shock that threatens to crush me. I wish it would show a little more concern for its host.

The images that fill it, though, are memories of genuine happiness, playing across my mind in a pale-blue light.

Trivial recollections from some other time.

I guess it was around the rainy season. I was in Maria’s room, which smelled of peppermint.

I was preparing frozen udon in the kitchen, although I didn’t really know how. My face was clouded with concern.

“Kazuki.”

Her voice sounded thin, unlike her usual dignified tone. Ah…I remember now. Maria was the only one who called me by my first name alone. It was unique to her.

I poked my head from the kitchen into the other room, large cooking chopsticks still in my hand. Maria was buried beneath the blankets in her semidouble bed, so deep that only her flushed face was peeking out. There was a cooling sheet stuck to her forehead. Maybe it’s a little tactless to think this about someone with a fever, but she was a little cuter than usual.

“What’s wrong, Maria?”

She coughed and smiled at me contentedly. “…Heh-heh. Nothing…”

“Huh?”

Even though she had hacked up a lung trying to call for me?

“It was nothing. I just wanted to see your face… Cough, cough!”

She didn’t tell me she needed anything else. It apparently really was nothing.

I returned to the kitchen, puzzled. Once I’d finished up the udon, I went back to the room and set the bowls on the table.

Maria got up, but her head seemed especially heavy. She sat on the cushion, which was a good sign, but instead of picking up her chopsticks, she just glared at the food.

“…What’s the matter?”

“I was thinking it looks hot, but it’s hard for me to blow on it.”

“Oh, I see. Take your time… Hey? Why do you look so upset?”

“You’re so dense. Wouldn’t a dependable man offer to—cough, cough!—cool it for me?”

“Um…”

For someone who sounded so weak, she was pretty demanding. So I guess she wanted me to blow on the udon a couple of times and feed it to her with her mouth open?

“…Hey.”

Wasn’t that embarrassing? Wasn’t that the kind of thing those sickeningly sweet couples do…?

“Do it.”

“…Uh, well…it’s kinda embarrass—”

“I said do it.”

I got the feeling she would keep glaring at me until I gave in, which I finally did.

I picked up some noodles and blew on them, then held them out to Maria’s mouth, but for some reason, she wouldn’t open it.

“…Uh, what’s the problem?”

Maria just grinned at me instead of answering.

“…Don’t tell me you’re waiting for me to say ‘Ahhh’?”

“If you already know what to do, then do it.”

“…A-ahhh.”

“Louder.”

Now I was starting to panic. “Ahhhh!!”

I held out the chopsticks, blushing even redder than Maria’s feverish face.

Maria at last opened her mouth. Her red tongue was defenseless.

The sight made me a little flustered; I hope you’ll forgive me.

“Mmm.” She slurped up the udon. “Could use some more seasoning,” she told me, looking extremely content.

You selfish—!

“Also, this is too much trouble, so I’ll eat the rest myself.”

So what was all that she was saying before?!

And Maria wasn’t finished being cruel. After she finished eating her udon, she took off her pajamas—shucked them off without any warning.

Of course, that meant she was in her underwear.

“Wh-what’re you doing?!” I yelled, hurriedly averting my eyes.

“I haven’t changed clothes, so my pajamas are sticky with sweat. It’s even worse now that I’ve eaten something hot. I feel gross.”

“That’s no reason to just take off your clothes! Did the fever turn you into an exhibitionist?”

“I want to take a shower, but that isn’t good when you have a cold. Plus, I might pass out in the middle of bathing. So, Kazuki, could you wipe me down with a wet towel?”

“…Wh-what’re you saying?! Take a look at yourself! You’re in your underwear! Have a little modesty! You’re a girl who’s younger than me!”

“I don’t care. Do it.”

Not only was she selfish, but now she was trying to molest me!

“Wh-what’re you going to do if I get turned on and make a move on you?”

“I’m half-conscious as it is, so it wouldn’t matter. I’d forget all about it soon anyway. It wouldn’t count.”

Now those were the words of someone who was trying to sexually harass me!

“……Oh man.”

I let out a deep sigh and gave up trying to dissuade her. As stubborn as she was, Maria would never turn back after taking things this far. And I think she really did feel sweaty and gross. Probably. I filled the wash bowl with warm water and wrung out a towel. I pressed the damp cloth to her delicate body.

I was holding my breath.

There wasn’t anything I could do about that. I tried not to look, but I could still see her white bra.

Ungh…what if something happens?

“Are you about to lose it?”

“N-no!”

Even if I did, though, I probably wouldn’t do anything to Maria. I wouldn’t want to hurt her just because lust got the better of me. She was teasing me like this because she knew that.

Dammit… She has me in the palm of her hand… Ugh.

I simply had to keep convincing myself to get through it. This is a mannequin, a mannequin, a mannequin.

Once I’d finished wiping down her back with my sanity intact, it was time for her arms. I wrung out the towel and wiped them both.

Maria’s body didn’t have any fat and lacked that feminine softness. Her ribs were very prominent, and it was plain to see she was still growing.

“Ugh…”

And once I noticed, I could no longer convince myself she was a mannequin. My hand froze.

“What’s wrong? Get on with it.”

The corners of Maria’s mouth perked upward. She was definitely enjoying this.

To be clear, I do want to touch her—I want to touch her more! I’m loving this, too! So no one’s winning here!

Before I could break, I tried to trick myself into thinking this so I could finish wiping her down. The storm in my heart had exhausted me thoroughly, and I ended up lying on the floor wheezing unevenly.

And yet, Maria’s cruelty was not over.

“I’m cold. Kazuki, I’m cold.”

“Huh?”

She was shivering theatrically, and then she said something even more terrifying. “Share your warmth with me.”

That’s how I ended up sleeping under the blankets with Maria in her T-shirt and underwear.

Her long hair was pressed against my nose, and I could feel her back and legs against me.

This is okay, right? I can go for it now, right? If she were a regular girl, I would actually take this as a sign! …Okay, fine, I get it! I’m not the type of guy to make a move anyway!

I couldn’t see with her back to me, but I could imagine puppet master Maria’s smug expression right then.

For whatever reason, though, she didn’t say anything to get under my skin. Maria was silent, merely catching her breath. She didn’t do anything aside from quietly squeeze my hand.

Maybe she’s asleep? I thought, and that was when she finally said something in a small voice.

“This takes me back…”

Her head moved slightly.

“Lying next to you like this reminds me of the smell of disinfectant in the school infirmary. I used to get sick easily, and it was hard for me to adjust to being around the people at school, so I spent a lot of time with the nurses. That was when my older sister—” Maria stopped.

“…Maria?”

She never talked about the past. As far as I knew, she had lost pretty much all her memories due to the Misbegotten Happiness.

“…I must be about to pass out; I’m making up stories about my past… Forget what I said.”

I didn’t pursue the issue any further. I was sure that if I did, she would never tell me the rest.

“Kazuki, I’m sorry,” she said, still turned away. “I might have gotten you sick, too. Sorry.”

So she finally says it now… No, she probably was worried about it the entire time, but she just couldn’t bring herself to say it. That’s how she is.

“It’s fine. I don’t care if I do get sick. You’ve got a fever; I could tell you needed help. If anyone is going to nurse you back to health, it might as well be me.”

“You really mean that, and that’s the problem,” Maria said. “You’re too kind. It really is a problem.”

“…I’m sure it doesn’t bother you.”

“It does. It bothers me to…depend on someone this much. I have to be on my own…but with you, I always…” She trailed off.

“Maria?”

I heard her snoring softly. I thought maybe she was pretending since things had gotten awkward, but it seemed that this time she had truly drifted off.

Normally, she would never have displayed such genuine weakness. Maybe the fever really had made her woozy.

“…I’ll stay with you forever, even if you try to tell me it’s a problem. I’ll always be with you, even if I catch your colds or worse. I would do anything to be with you. I would give anything and everything.”

I embraced her fragile body and said, “Let’s stay together, always and forever.”

It wasn’t a vow, exactly. It was nothing that dramatic; I was just saying what was on my mind.

I wasn’t misunderstanding or exaggerating my own importance; we were already tied to each other on a fundamental level, drawing upon the same nourishment to live. I truly believed that.

It was only Maria who was under the impression that there was still time.

“Even if you were to disappear into a world beyond my reach…”

I stroked her hair.

“…I know I would find you.”

That was really only one page from our normal day-to-day. There was nothing special about it.

But my resolve was there even in the insignificant moments, all throughout our daily life together.

The resolve that would eventually create that mountain of corpses.

I’ve been saying it all along. I am Maria’s knight. I’ve said all along that I will destroy and slay all obstacles that keep me from her. I will climb the mound of rubble and remains it creates to reach her.

All I have to do is see it through.

I return from my reminiscence to this charade, this prison of a world.

I’m standing in a hallway.

“Let’s stay together, always and forever,” I say to myself, lowering my gaze.

Haruaki’s dead body is there.

The fact hits me like an invisible bat to the head.

My hand holding the knife is unpleasantly wet. Blood drips from between my fingers. Each drop is louder than it should be, as if someone has added an echo effect.

Oh, that’s right; I had fled from reality. I was thinking back on my time with Maria because I couldn’t accept that I had murdered Haruaki.

I should make use of my memories with Maria from here on out, too. I will use them to bind my mind in place. If I don’t, I will never be able to endure what I’m going to do.

I will accept this fight. I will stain the decorations of this fun school festival with blood and gore. I will spread murder and violence among the smiles and turn them all to despair. I will ruin it all.

“What’re you doing, Kazu?” Daiya comes running up. “What is this…? What have you done to Haru…?”

He is scowling, his fists clenched. The situation is plain as day, but I can tell Daiya doesn’t exist.

“…Daiya.”

Back in the real world, I would never see Daiya again. He had committed a grievous error that could never be undone.

In here, though, this Daiya has never even heard of a Box, and we get along well. He has been able to resume his romantic relationship with Kokone.

Here in this wonderful world, we could be friends forever.

Meaning…

“I’m going to kill you, too.”

…Daiya is a barrier trying to keep me in this realm.

“…What the…hell are you…?”

“I’m going to ask you something, Daiya.”

And I do.

“Do you know a Kasumi Mogi?”

“What the hell does that mean?! Who the hell is ‘Kasumi Mogi’?!”

Yep, Mogi is gone from this world. She doesn’t exist in anyone’s memories, either. Murdering her last time successfully erased her from this place.

I’m sure Haruaki won’t be in the next world, either.

If everyone important to me vanishes, then I’ll lose all reason to cling to this world.

I’m going to kill Daiya with a kitchen knife. I have a chance now while he’s confused. And if I fail, I can kill myself and try again in the next loop.

But—

“—Ah.”

—there’s a clang as the knife falls. My hand slipped open.

“Unh, aaaaaaaaah…”

I can’t stop the flood of tears welling up. I’m sobbing profusely.

Oh, that’s right. This is painful. It hurts too much. I may have taken my own life with no remorse here in this world, but taking the lives of others is a whole new dimension of torture. I’ve forgotten all about what the real world was like, so for me, this is murder, pure and simple. I can’t fool myself into thinking I don’t care just because this world repeats itself. The people I kill actually disappear. I can’t take back their deaths. I hate it. It hurts. I don’t want to do it. It feels as if I’m killing myself the long way around. My heart is fading. My heart will be lost. My self is disappearing.

“Unh, gh—”

But that’s okay. In fact, that makes it okay. After all, if I fade, the Maria inside of me will become visible. I may no longer be me by the time that happens, but I will be able to meet her. I’ll most likely be broken—or am I already broken? Is it too late no matter what I do?

Whatever.

I’ll chant a spell and force myself to act.

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

The commotion has grown even larger as I stand there in a stupor with Daiya. The terrified students are still keeping their distance from me, but I’m sure they’ll try to restrain me soon enough.

Now that I’ve just barely come back to my senses, I push my way through the crowd and head for the stairs. The students are still hesitant, so they don’t come after me right away. I dash up to the roof with the sound of footsteps behind me. I guess they’ve decided not to let me go.

I quickly dive from the rooftop to my death.

124,425th Time

I ask Kokone to come to the roof, and then I kill her and run from the school before the uproar starts.

I start thinking to myself.

I can get only so far killing people one at a time with a knife. I need tools that can take people out more efficiently. If I got a machine gun and did what they do in America, that would be effective. Or, since I’m not worried about dying myself, how about turning myself into a bomb like a terrorist? …Nah, that’s not realistic. It won’t be that easy to get ahold of machine guns or dynamite. I couldn’t care less about the law now, or about taking lives to get them, but it’s still too difficult. Maybe I could find a way if I had more than a day to work with, but getting those things just isn’t feasible in a world that resets after one day. Should I break into a US military base and steal some weapons? …That isn’t a possibility even though I don’t have to get out alive. In that case, what about poisoning?

I could track down some aconite and extract the toxins. Get ahold of a bit of cyanide. Could that work? It doesn’t sound too far-fetched.

…Oh man. Mass murder is tougher than I thought.

For starters, I get some gasoline from a filling station, then take it back to school and splash it around. A teacher notices me sooner than I expected, probably because of the smell, so when I set the building on fire with a lighter, it’s not as effective.

Even though I was right in front of the explosion, I was unharmed, so I end my life with a knife in my neck instead.

124,426th Time

Apparently, not a single person died in the gasoline-fueled blaze. The school festival looks the same as ever. I make every effort to try the poison strategy, but I can’t get my hands on any substances in time.

So I decide to hold off on poison for the present. Instead, I bash in the skull of the driver of a large truck parked in the lot of a convenience store and steal his rig. The plan was to plow into the school and run over some students, but I don’t have a license, so I screw up and get into an accident at an intersection before I can even get there.

I don’t die in the accident, but my right arm is absolutely pulverized. Can’t kill anyone like this. So I kill myself with a stab to the throat again.

124,427th Time

I manage to get my hands on some poison and put it in the plastic bottles of oolong tea during the after-party following the bonfire. After watching my classmates collapse with cries of agony, I go to the rooftop and jump.

124,428th Time

I’m surprised to find that most of my classmates are alive despite the extremely fatal dose of poison I administered. Only three of them are gone. Spending the entire day finding poison is a waste of effort.

I’ll give it another go this time, and if it doesn’t work well, I should probably switch to another method.

124,429th Time

A sudden fit of reason hits, my psyche collapses, and I destroy myself.

124,435th Time

After a string of suicides, my mind finally recovers enough to kill people again. I won’t be using poison anymore. It’s more efficient to do things the hard way by summoning people one by one and killing them with sharp objects.

124,444th Time

I finish off all my classmates, but the world doesn’t end. My classroom just becomes an unused room, and the festival goes on.

This world is different from the Rejecting Classroom, which involved only a single class. It’s not going to be undone simply because I got rid of my classmates.

What can I do to put a stop to it, then? Kill off the entire human race? After I had this much trouble with just the people in my class?

Filled with despair at the thought of this impossible task, I lose my mind again and put myself out of my misery.

124,445th Time

I’m back on my feet after one self-destruct. Well, my mind is definitely a mess, but at least I can think.

What keeps me going is that the cracks in the red sky are visibly spreading, ever so slightly. My actions are undeniably undoing this “happy world.”

The next milestone is to eliminate every person in the school.

I decide to try stealing a truck again. This time, I don’t botch the driving and successfully ram the truck into the students enjoying the bonfire. I die when I plow into the school at sixty miles per hour.

124,446th Time

However, even that gets me only three casualties. It never occurred to me that killing people efficiently would be so difficult. Really drives home how amazing military weapons are. They’re designed for the job.

I decide to gather everyone from school in one place so I can off them with minimal effort. They follow along when I kill one and take another hostage as an example, then order everyone to tie themselves up with rope. I murder anyone who doesn’t tie themselves tight. Once they’re all restrained, I set fire to the gymnasium, which I had doused in gasoline. I fail to get out in time and burn to death, too.

124,447th Time

The number of people at school drops to below half, perhaps proving that my previous plan was indeed effective. But my mind snaps again, and I kill myself out of guilt.

124,480th Time

I’m going so crazy I can’t think, and it’s happening more often. Some days, my body won’t move, but on those days that it does, I always get rid of at least one student.

And at long last, I do away with the entire school.

And yet, this world still doesn’t end. The school festival isn’t going on, but the streets are still buzzing with people.

Do I have to kill them, too? Must I murder these innocent people and make them suffer?

This despair leads me to jump to my own death again. Splat.

124,481st Time

I killed Roo and my family. I’m throwing up, and I can’t stop.

124,491st Time

I try hijacking an airplane so I can fly it into a skyscraper but fail before I even get on board. I bite off my tongue and kill myself.

124,502nd Time

This time, I hijack a packed train and run it off the rails. This proves more fruitful than anything so far. I’ll try it again.

124,609th Time

I lie on my back on the rooftop. I’m not committing any massacres this time.

There aren’t any fewer people. I’ve slaughtered so many, and yet they’re still out there in throngs. It doesn’t feel as if I’m even making a dent.

I’ve learned something after all these murders. I think we humans are more durable than I believed. Not on the level of cockroaches. But it doesn’t matter if there’s a cataclysm, or a horrible plague strikes, or if the earth becomes uninhabitable, or aliens invade, or the sun goes out—humanity’s numbers might go down, but we will persevere without going extinct. If we survive, we will begin to propagate. You’ll never get all of us. As someone who’s been incessantly devoted to killing people, that’s what I’ve realized.

People have gone back and forth debating whether human life is more important than the earth. It’s an unanswerable question, but I still have an intuitive understanding of the solution. First off, life isn’t important at all. It’s a formless concept that exists only in the eye of an observer. This is not an idea born from a desire to justify my own actions. “Life” is founded on a large, spongy lump of a concept that isn’t divided into individuals, and the discrete units of flesh from that mass are what we call “life.” The source of life is simply found within each of us. It can’t be created or stolen away. As long as the source of life exists, life will not decline or disappear.

I’m not asking anyone to understand me. I’m not even looking at the human species as one I belong to anymore. I’m no longer human.

Hope was lost to me long ago, but now that I’m aware of how inhuman and rotten I’ve become, I’m darker, more twisted, hollower, and lower. If I tip into despair at all, I will instantly break down and kill myself over and over.

I can’t stop moving, though. My actions will lead me to the truth.

The red sky is now visibly full of fissures. I can practically hear it splitting.

I know I’m destroying this world.

But I’m also seeing hallucinations, so I can’t tell whether those cracks in the red sky are real.

Piled into a mountain in the schoolyard are the corpses of the people I’ve slain, including the ones I love. I can’t remember their names anymore, though. I’ve lost the ability to see people as people. They’re all just meat. I am shit. A shitty pile of shit.

Splat.

—Huh? When did I jump? This habit is getting to be a real pain in the ass.

I don’t die right away, however. I crawl around on the ground with my brains exposed to the air. It’d be great if my dreams and hopes fell out, but I never had any to begin with. Even if I did, I couldn’t pick them up.

Blood pours out of me, and then—yes, I’m dead again.

124,611th Time

I finish eating some tsukemen noodles in Ikebukuro, then pull a chain saw out of a Boston bag and start cutting up the people in the shop. Once I’ve finished them off, I go into the street and walk around killing pedestrians. The pandemonium feels distant. The chain saw breaks when I cut a maid in half where she was attracting customers. The crowd that had been running about trying to escape realizes that the chain saw has gone silent. The emboldened mob will probably catch me and lynch me. I’ll kill myself before that. Unfortunately, I have trouble getting out the knife I use for offing myself. My entire body is drenched in blood, and I can’t see anything. By the way, that roast pork I had with the noodles was supergood.

Someone lightly taps me on the shoulder.

Who is it? There’s no one who would tap me. Nobody would come near me while I’m still covered in gore.

But it really is happening. I turn around, but no one’s there. I can’t see anyone. So whoever it is is invisible. Yeah, I bet it’s a monster. One that can kill me at any moment.

And yet, I know who this formless entity is.

Who? Who, who, who?

—Of course.

—It’s me.

The world goes dark.

That invisible, formless monster enters my body with a shock like a piece of glass stabbing into my eye. Shame boils up inside me. I’m soaring through the cosmos, traveling the stars. My brain waves are distorted by a peculiar reddish noise. There is no sound. There never was. A sea of venomous insects. Poison coursing through my body. Numbed, I am suddenly surrounded by seamless walls of TV monitors. This maze displays the murders I’ve committed. Stop it! Don’t show me my sins! Don’t make me look at this objectively! I cry out, but the monitors don’t go away. They display my many, many, seemingly infinite transgressions. The weight of my guilt crushes me. My innards pop out of me and break. My body scatters. Like caramel popcorn.

Abruptly, I understand.

This is the end. This is the end of me.

So will I meet her?

Will I meet Maria?

I open the curtains of this darkened world. And open them. And open them. Each time, the gloom over this cheaply built room actually gets darker somehow, and I am driven to desperation and take my own life repeatedly. I am killed by a delusion I cannot identify as a delusion.

And yet, the stars surround me. The earth spins in reverse.

Where is this?

Now I’m falling. The pit is bottomless. Falling and falling. How far does this hole go? Who dug it? This pit is so deep, it could hold all the corpses I’ve made. I’ll never reach the bottom. Never. Never.

At least not before an eternity passes.

My body was only accelerating during the long descent, and I slam into the ground and splatter again.

Splat.

I become chunks of meat.

Or so I think, but then my body is restored, and I repeat my fall. After an infinite amount of time, I reach the bottom, and my body splatters into so much flesh and gore.

Over and over, forever and ever.

Splat. Splat.

Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat.

That sound rings within my brain for an eternity, and yet I awaken.

“—Oh.”

I’m standing on a random street in Ikebukuro holding a broken chain saw, my entire body soaked in blood.

There is no air on this Ikebukuro street, though. No, wait, I am able to breathe. It’s definitely lacking something, though. Something vital is missing.

Oh, I see.

There aren’t any people.

Deafening silence. A ruin that isn’t a ruin. A city that doesn’t have what it should.

There’s an impulse in my chest threatening to burn me hollow, and I cry out in pain. What I’ve done can never be undone! What I’ve done can never be undone! The taste of despair is on my tongue like green sputum. Unable to bear it, I run around the silent streets. There is no one on the once-crowded main thoroughfare. The city has been abandoned, left to its own devices.

This is crazy. I would find it easier to understand if the cityscape had just vanished into a pitch-black void.

I run until I’m too tired to even move. I rest my weight on a car stopped in the middle of a five-way intersection.

“Huff…huff…huff…”

As I catch my breath, the empty streets force me to look at them. They leap into my eyes to convey the truth.

I’ve eliminated all the people.

“—Ha, ha-ha.”

I made it.

I made it to the end of the world.

I didn’t kill off all the people on the planet. It’s just that the Misbegotten Happiness constantly presented me with a “happy world.” My string of suicides and murders consistently prevented me from experiencing that happiness.

The Misbegotten Happiness has finally broken down due to my handiwork.

“I did it… I did it…”

Now—

I won’t even have to see that false happiness.

I will never be able to escape despair; I will never find joy even using a Box.

“Ahhh—!!”

I’m so excited, I might puke out everything in my stomach. I want to revel innocently in my despair and dance while I crush out my eyes. I wash my face with my gushing tears and snot, making it sticky. Before I know it, I’m hitting my legs so hard, they’ve gotten swollen.

I am all alone in the world.