CHAPTER 31: IT’S OKAY TO BE A MONSTER

"What is going on Luca?" I finally asked after we settled into our room.

He wanted me close to him, to be honest, after what happened today, I didn’t want to sleep alone. I don’t think I trusted anyone, I had a tracker in me, all the while he has been keeping track of where I am like a dog.

When we were married, he kept track of me all these fucking time just to have him sell me to an Alpha, and now the attack.

"Your parents- no about the attack, what is going on?." I said to cut him off.

I didn’t want to hear anything about Rebecca or my father, nor right now at least and I already know Aria is fine, Ares brought her back into the house.

"You need to tell me, I had a tracker inside of me, he has been tracking me all these while and that brown envelope,, it has to do with me didn’t it, you don’t even have to say it, I can see it in your eyes, I have had everything lie to me, pretend like they care but not you Luca so I need you to tell me what is going on?." I spoke a bit louder.

I didn’t want to yell, I just needed him to know what I meant by that, why I needed to know.

"Conrad is working with an enemy of mine, he has a meeting with him some days ago and I spoke to Conrad, he lied to my face, your ex husband is no where to be found, he picked up and he is in hiding and this attack, it fucking has to do with him, that letter you got telling you to escape, I have a feeling someone here is working with him. I can’t let my guards find out, it would break the pack and it would bring a curse for alarm." He explained and a tear slipped out of my eyes.

Luca took two strides towards me, his eyes were on mine briefly when he wrapped his hand around me and he pulled me closer to him, my eyes meeting his again, unable to utter the words I wanted to speak when I stared at him, with tears in my eyes.

"Conrad is a dead man, I will make sure of that, I will make sure he is hurt," Luca spoke, he promised, his words held integrity and I know that there is no way going back from it.

Conrad is going to die.

"I want to talk to him when you find him, I know you think it’s stupid but I need to, I don’t care what happens to him but I need to know why he is doing what he did, I need to know why he placed that thing inside of me." I breathed out, and he leaned in and wiped the tears that fell against my cheek.

My eyes met his again when he placed his temples against mine and he pulled me even closer to him.

"You wish you didn’t bring me into your life didn’t you?" I asked.

"I wish I had brought you sooner, I wish I had protected you after from that son of a bitch." He spoke, and I chuckled bitterly, for the first time, I didn’t care that someone was going to die:

I didn’t care that, he would be gone, some years ago, we talked about death and I always told Conrad, I would leave with him, if he leaves I would never be able to have a life without him.

Luca leaned in more and his eyes met my lips, we need to stop kissing every time, it felt good, it felt fair comforting though, it felt like home, like I didn’t have to worry about anything or anyone.

As he held my hand softly, he pulled me closer to him again.

"Where are my parents?" I whispered and he pulled away.

He didn’t have to say it, his eye said it all, and the way Ares walked in with Aria alone, I didn’t think they were going to get harmed.

"We did- they are dead," I whispered against my breath, I felt my heart tighten against my chest, my eyes filled with more tears as I stared at him. "I fought for them just for them to die, to be killed because of- it’s not your fault." He whispered cutting me off.

I closed my eyes for a second, unable to utter the words that escaped my lips, I didn’t know what I wanted to say, Rebecca is not mine, all I can recall from her is how she always made it look like Father belonged to her and not my mom.

Shaa has always been close to Aria and father, all I can recall of him is him being so fucking horrible, I fought for them, forced Luca to save them and now they are dead, would they have done the same for me

Luca enveloped me in a hug, and I didn’t speak, the words didn’t escape my lips even though I wanted them to and my eyes met the ceiling.

I can recall his last words to me, not his last words during that dinner but his last words before I left the house.

"You are dead to be Olivia and whatever happens from now on is your fault, you ruined our family, we could have all been one big happy family." He yelled.

His words didn’t make sense to me, because it’s all his fault, the more I thought about it, I didn’t feel sorrow, I felt good.

"Luca," I whispered against my breath when I pulled away from him.

"Why don’t I feel horrible that they are dead, I fought for them and now they are gone, why don’t I feel like crying that they are dead and all I can recall is the things he said to me, the things that she did to me?" I whispered

"Because they were never good people to know, people lie when they says you remember all the good things someone has done for you when they die, it’s all an elaborate lie, because when revue ie, you remember every details of horrible things they said to you, ever little mean thing they did to you and every pain they caused," Luca spoke.

"Why did I want to protect them then?" I breathed out, maybe I knew and I didn’t want to accept it, maybe I knew and I didn’t want to come into realization because it scared me, it terrified me.

Luca inches closer to me and he places his hand on mine.

"Mostly because you know deep down you would never feel the same way you felt when your mother died because it’s not the same and maybe you were trying to convince yourself that these are good for trying to protect them and now they are gone, all you can think about is how horrible they were to you." He said and I nodded.

He led me to the couch and I settled beside him, when I found out my mom died, I was shattered, it broke me even more that I was not able to attend her funeral, I didn’t see her one last time even though I begged him, even though I asked for a chance, he didn’t care, he wanted me to leave, he didn’t care that I would never see her again.

"It feel like I can recall every word he said to me, how he yelled at me, how he treated mom even things I didn’t want to recall before it’s all here, I can recall the way Rebecca treated her, the way she didn’t care that she is his wife and father didn’t even care, does that make me a monster."

"No, it makes you a better version of me," Luca spoke and a bitter chuckle escaped my lips, a better version of him, that’s not about to make me any better, that’s not about to make me feel good about it.

It scared me, it terrified me that I don’t care when I know I am meant to care, when I know that they are gone and they are never coming back, they are never going to be here.

Maybe he is right, I am only embracing what I have felt for a very long time.

"How do you think Aria would feel?"

"I don’t care what she will feel, she will be fine at the end of it, what I care about is how you feel, and there is nothing wrong with being selfish, there is nothing wrong with being happy about this, what good could they have done to you alive, it would have been horrible."

"Maybe you are right, I am glad they are dead, I am glad I don’t have to deal with them again," I spoke and I felt a wave of emotions wash over me.