Things never stay quiet for long. The Abyss 'enjoyed' (by a very loose definition of the word) a brief lull in the ongoing civil war. Not that most citizens noticed. Curiously enough, the majority of the population barely felt the effects of the conflict on their collective skins thanks to the peculiar way warfare operated here.

While the prohibition-era style gangster raids looked quaint, if not outright comical at times, I had to wonder from time to time if their way of doing things was the superior one. Sure, the clashes between the forces of Crowy and the Noble Alliance were brutal and bloody, but the number of casualties was kept astonishingly low, and unless the House heads got involved, collateral damage was also minimal.

When I compared that to the indiscriminate bombings, trench warfare, and weapons of mass destruction that defined humanity’s wars for the last century or so, I couldn’t help but feel that the way they operated was somehow more civilized, medieval weaponry and over-the-top raid tactics notwithstanding.

Of course, I still had to keep a close eye on the bigger clashes, just to be safe. In point of fact, that's how I'd been spending most of my free time nowadays.

“Hold the line!” someone shouted, followed by a booming explosion that made the walls of the old stone fort violently tremble and clumps of dust and mortar trickle down from up high.

Fort Nirta was one of the main chokepoints of the conflict, situated right on the border of the lands of Inanna and Gula. The raison d’etre of these kinds of fortifications was to serve as speed bumps in front of feudal-style armies; one couldn’t just ignore them, as moving past them would’ve allowed the defenders to sally out and strike the invaders’ supply lines, but taking one down also took time, allowing the opponent to gather their armies for a counter-attack.

In other words, the fort served little purpose in the Abyss's current warfare paradigm, so I figured it was either a relic of a previous era, or one of old world-building. In either case, the place was serving as something of a logistics center and mustering ground. Maybe even as the base of operations of some sort of quick-response unit, ready to sally out at a moment's notice.

I couldn't be entirely sure, because they were currently in the process of being caught with their pants down.

"Move, move, move! We need to breach the inner court!" an Abyssal officer yelled in the back, directing a group of Fauns to break down a fortified door. He was wearing a dark green breastplate over a checkered suit and a fedora of all things, but I was getting used to the odd aesthetics of the place by this point and didn't bat an eye at his oddball ensemble.

He was leading the charge while his men were busy mopping up and capturing the pockets of resistance remaining in the outer court of the fort. The place had a fairly standard rectangular layout, with shorter, crenelated stone outer parapets, taller brickwork inner walls, and an even higher circular tower in the middle. The outer walls had already fallen to the Inannas' surprise attack, and the Fauns were now in the process of bringing over a comically large battering ram to breach the inner courtyard.

It was all very chaotic and dramatic and everything, though the fact that at least some of the assailant Abyssals could've just flown over the ramparts made it feel a little silly. Maybe protocol demanded that they do things this way, I wondered as I watched the heavy, reinforced wooden gates shake and buckle under the combined assault of half a dozen Fauns and their fancy siege weapon.

At last, with a heave-ho and a crunch, the barrier fell and Fauns and Abyssal soldiers alike streamed through the opening. The battle for the inner courtyard was short and vicious. There were a couple of casualties on both sides, though nobody was outright killed yet. A few Fauns and at least two Abyssals seemed to be in dire condition, but so long as they got medical attention, I was sure they would live. It was good to see that at least the men under Crowy took my instructions about no indiscriminate killing seriously; my frequent surprise appearances probably helped to keep it in mind and them on their toes.

The tower at the core of the fort fell right away. Not due to the lack of effort from the defenders, but a lack of them altogether. Then, just as the clamour of the battle gave way to a tense silence, one of our main actors made their dramatic entrance.

Crowy, dressed in a fancy gothic ensemble of blacks and dark reds walked through the door of the central tower, his long cape billowing unnaturally behind him with every step. Combined with his slicked-back hair and the faint purple aura of power emanating from his body, he painted a striking (if somewhat sinister) image that demanded the attention of everyone in the foyer of the building.

As far as villain entrances were concerned, I would give that a five out of ten. I was harsh but fair. There was no personal bias in my evaluation at all. None whatsoever.

"Commander. Report."

As soon as he spoke up, the man from before took a step forward and gave him a salute. He lost his fedora somewhere during the scuffle for the inner courtyard, and there was a scorch mark on his breastplate, but he was none the worse for wear otherwise. He looked to be in his late twenties, maybe his early thirties, and his dark eyes were restless as they beheld the vaunted Herald of the Emperor.

"My Liege, the fort is under our control."

"What about the heir of Gula?" Crowy growled a touch impatiently. Blink and you miss it, but the commander's expression darkened for a moment before returning to a professional poker face.

"My Liege... The men discovered an old emergency escape tunnel in the basement."

"Are you telling me he got away?" Crowy snarled at the news in the company of a glare that could intimidate water into boiling faster.

"… Along with the other officers stationed here, yes," the officer responded bluntly, trying to sound as dry and detached as possible.

"Then what are you doing here, standing around like a pissant, instead of chasing them down?!" the head of House Inanna bellowed, making the commander falter for a second.

"With... all due respect, My Liege, the tunnel network is complex, with many branching paths, and we found multiple traps. I sent in a squad of scouts to explore it, but without a guide, catching up to the escapees would be impossible, so I focused on solidifying our foothold on the fortress and—"

"Fool!" Crowy yelled and delivered a backhanded slap on the man's cheek. "I couldn't care less for this poxed fortress! The whole goal of this operation was to capture the garrison commanders and secure hostages! You failed me!"

"Please, forgive me, My Liege. It won't happen again," the commander spoke weakly while holding his cheek, blood tricking from his nose.

"You're right about that," Crowey snarled and pointed an open palm toward the man. In a moment, the whole foyer was lit up with a violet glow as his hair and eyes changed colour and an invisible (for others, at least) cloud of power enveloped the startled man. "You failed me for the last time!"

"N-No, My Liege!" the commander yelped as he was gradually lifted off the ground, the swirling magic surrounding him growing thicker and constricting him like a giant snake. "Have mercy!"

Crowy only grimaced at his pleas, then turned his outstretched palm upwards, flexed his fingers, and just as he was about to dramatically snap his fist closed... he was hit in the back of the head with a classic dope-slap.

"Who dares...!" he yelled out, but with his concentration disturbed, his magic also dissipated and the commander dropped to the ground and fell onto one knee.

Meanwhile, Crowy locked eyes with his mysterious attacker, and... do I even need to say it?

"I dare!" I declared in a jaunty voice, and put a hand on the still-glowing house head's shoulder. "Crowy! My beautiful, if slightly undercooked sausage! What exactly do you think you're doing?"

"My Emperor, I..."

Momentarily stunned by my appearance, his ire quickly cooled and was replaced by mild apprehension. I hit the iron while it was still hot and tapped his shoulder again.

"Crowy, Crowy, Crowy... What did I tell you before?" He was about to open his mouth, but I cut him off. "You're my Herald! Whatever you do, it reflects on me! My brand! We can't have you go around and damage it with this... this second-rate villainy!"

I let go of him, Phased behind the startled commander, and yanked him off the ground by the scruff of his collar. Crowy used the opportunity to collect himself a little and finally managed to get a word in.

"I was only disciplining my subordinate, My Emperor."

He sounded suitably deferential, as always, though I could clearly see a hint of resentment on his face. I didn't let it bother me and just shook the hapless guy in my hand. It was actually trickier than it sounded, because physical enhancements or not, waving an adult man around by the scruff of his neck like a kitten was hard work that required lots of balancing and leverage and inertia-cancellations. I managed.

"You mean this guy? Look at him! For goodness's sake, he has a baby face! Think of the brand, Crowy! The brand!" I let the commander go and he fell onto his knees again, then I immediately Phased back to my Herald's side. "Let's take a step back and think about this, okay? Do you see me blowing up any subordinates when they fail to meet my expectations? Have I ever blown you up? No? Then why aren't you learning from my example? Is this what I pay you for?"

"You don't pay me," he responded reflexively, his real thoughts bubbling to the surface before he quickly assumed his deferential look again.

"What I let you use my brand for?" I corrected myself with a wag of my finger. "We're running a serious ship here. That means no casual Fridays, no pets at work, and no second-rate villainous acts like this. I demand excellence from my people, and you're either first-rate or nothing! Write that down!" Crowy gave me a blank look, so I let out a groan and gestured at the group of people gathered on the side. "Didn't you hear me? Get this man a notepad, right now!"

My words caused some clamour, yet after just a minute, a young Abyssal, barely more than a boy, actually showed up with a beaten notebook and a ballpoint pen. He presented them to a miffed Crowy, and he snatched them from his hands with a growl.

"Good! Now, listen up, and listen close!" I started with a clap. "Rule of villainy number one: you don't randomly kill your subordinates!" I paused a levelled a flat gaze at my 'student'. "Why do you think that is?" I didn't let him answer and just clapped again. "Wrong! The key word is 'randomly'! Blowing up an ally just to flex your chops is third-rate behaviour that completely ruins the impact of the act! Do it once, at the right time, and it's a fabulous way to cross the moral event horizon. Do it at the slightest inconvenience, and it'll make you appear like a kid throwing a temper tantrum. Not a good look."

Crowy continued to stare at me in silence, realizing that he wasn't going to get a word in any time soon, so I gestured at the notebook and he grudgingly began to jot my words down.

"Rule number two: You need to work on your entrance. Right now, you're trying too hard! A true first-rate villain commands respect and attention with their mere presence! There has to be more menace, more swagger, more pizazz! You need to be swift as a coursing river with the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging fire, yet mysterious as the dark side of the moon!"

Just looking at him clearly told me that he had no earthly idea what the heck I was talking about. I couldn't blame him, because I was mostly winging it myself, but since we had a live audience, he had no other choice but to keep nodding attentively and pretend to diligently write things down. All the while subtly gritting his teeth, much to my amusement.

"Third rule: A first-rate villain has to be devious! You can't just solve your problems with brute force! Sure, a show of force every now and then is necessary, but you must also learn how to plan around your problems. Find underhanded solutions, and snatch control out of the hands of your enemies when they least expect it!"

"My Emperor, all this talk about villainy is..."

"Silence! Don't distract me!" I snapped at him and began pacing, with a hand on the chin of my mask. "The next rule is... Puppies!"

"... Excuse me?"

"Puppies," I repeated as I came to a halt and pointed at him. "Kittens, too. Really, any kind of small, cute critter. Listen, I understand that it's hard to resist the urge, but you absolutely mustn't eat them. Especially not while cackling maniacally. It's trite and unbecoming of our brand. Also, they aren't very nutritious, and it's a nightmare to get all the fur out of your teeth. Got that?"

"Yes, My—"

"Good! Also, the same applies to white doves and cute gerbils. Goldfish, too. Just… just don't eat any pets, okay? I know it's going to be hard, but remember that it's for the sake of the brand! Now, next rule!"

So on and so forth, I continued to educate Crowy in the fine art of villainy, whether he appreciated it or not. Of course, I wasn't putting up this whole show just for my own satisfaction (though I'd be lying if I said that making the guy frustrated and uncomfortable wasn't one of my favourite pastimes). While I heckled him, the original owners of this fort had ample time to escape, and even the commander on the wrong end of Crowy's ire managed to slip away. With those issues resolved, it was time to wrap things up, so I clapped three times to punctuate the end of the list.

"Last, but not least, rule twenty-two!" I dramatically pointed at the exasperated man, and only continued once I got a nod of acknowledgement from him. "Betrayal!"

"Betrayal?" he repeated after me with a twitch, nearly dropping his pen in the process.

"Indeed! I first-rate villain must know when and how to double-cross his enemy. I'm not talking about some half-assed swindling here, oh no. I demand excellence from everyone working under my brand, and this is no exception. You don't do half-measures, you don't mess around. You get the glory, go the distance, and eat the horse, and don't just nail your enemy to a cross, you nail them to two crosses! Got it?"

"… Yes, My Emperor."

"Good." I Phased in front of him and patted him on the shoulder again. "I'm glad we had this talk. Go forth now, my little bratwurst, and be your best first-rate self! Show them how it's done, and make our brand great!"

I punctuated that with a wink, and then Phased away down to the bottom of the Chasm of Desolation. As soon as I arrived, I immediately threw myself onto the bed I prepared there and let out a sigh.

Was that too much on the nose? Maybe, but Crowy was kind of dumb, so if I wasn't so direct, the message might've flown over his head. I mean, I technically knew that this approach was going to work, because I could remember it working, but it was still a bit lame. Oh well. Anything for the play.

That said…

"… I think I have a newfound appreciation for directors who had to wrangle usable performances out of bad actors..."