Bai Yutang sat on the bench with his bent posture, looking at the bright blue sky above him. The weather is nice today. Green leaves fluttering above him. Bai Yutang looked down and stared at the flowers blooming in the park besides him. The earth beneath emitting spring''s radiance, with colours sprouting here and there. Gracious and beauty combined.

    Even this finesse of nature still can''t bring his heart back to life. Inside him, the world is still monochromatic. No colours painted his world anymore. The more time he spent dealing with loneliness, the more he felt something inside him truly dead and can''t be revived.

    He thought, time will heal all the pain. He could never guess that he would be so wrong in his life. The pain was numbed, dulled, but could not subside.. It was there. And always be there. Tormenting him.

    Some people went back to this university last month with anticipation, it''s the new semester. It''s the beginning of spring. It was the sprout of new life. Bai Yutang was also one of them.

    He hoped with his busy schedules, and as time flows by, he will forget his sorrowful yearn for Jian Kang Lu. He hoped he could learn how to move on. Learn how to deal with the consequences of his own decision. But instead of learning how to cope with his despair, he learned what sadness is. He learned what regret truly means.

    Bai Yutang never got any message nor call from Jian Kang Lu again since the beginning of this year. It was so easy to count how many days he didn''t see any trace of Jian Kang Lu. Because the last time they met was on December 31st. By today, it means he spent 90 days without any news from Jian Kang Lu.

    Bai Yutang closed his eyes, smiling wistfully. He was the one who asked for breaking up, but why he felt like he was the one who dumped. He can''t count on how many times he opened the chat window in his phone, wanting to type something to the man he yearned for.

    ''Gege, how are you?''

    ''Gege, how''s your day?''

    ''Gege, are you mad with me?''

    ''Gege, I missed you so much.''

    But none of those words he typed was sent. He doesn''t have any courage. The words he wanted to say the most were so laughable. He dare not typed.

    Every 15th each month, he suffered so much. It was like a cursed day for him. The day which reminded him that he used to be very happy, but because he was foolish and stubborn, he threw away his own happiness.

    On March 15th, more than two weeks ago, Bai Yutang asked his roommate.

    "Chenjie, can i ask you something?"

    Bai Yutang didn''t have anyone he could ask about this. He asked his roommate because he seems like a very logical person, as expected from Computer Science students.

    Xu Chenjie turned his chair, looking at Bai Yutang who sat in his bed. His eyes showed that he was not busy and willing to talk to him.

    "I have a friend. He.. He has a lover. Then they broke up. Now he wants to ask his ex-lover to go back together again. Do you think his ex-lover wants to accept him back?"

    Xu Chenjie looked at him, then he asked back, "Why did they break up?"

    Bai Yutang thought about it a million times before. Why do they break up? Why was he so emotional at that moment?

    "My friend thought that his ex-lover was cheating on him. So he wants to break up."

    "Does she cheat on him?"

    Ah, since Bai Yutang is a man, Xu Chenjie must have thought that his friend was a man, and the ex-lover is a woman.

    "I.. I also didn''t know exactly what happened. I-I.. I didn''t ask him the details. His ex-lover wanted to explain to him, but he didn''t want to listen and just ask for a break up."

    Xu Chenjie staring at Bai Yutang, both of them didn''t say anything for a while. At last Xu Chenjie slowly asked.

    "I assume your friend still likes his ex-girlfriend, that''s why he wants to go back with her. But why at that time he doesn''t want to listen to her?"

    Bai Yutang also wants to ask that. Why did he stubbornly refuse to hear Jian Kang Lu''s explanation? So he just spoke softly.

    "I don''t know. But do you think his ex-lover wants to give him a chance?"

    Xu Chenjie tried to give his opinion. "When people broke up, it was hard to mend the broken relationship back. Moreover, he once suspected her of cheating on him. It means he doesn''t trust her enough. He doesn''t even want to listen to her. I don''t think it''s wise to ask her to go back with him. It will only become a devil''s circle."

    Xu Chenjie looked at Bai Yutang who lost in his own thought. "He should never have asked for a break up without listening to her explanation. I''m sorry, but it will be very selfish for a man to treat his girlfriend like that. Broke up when he was mad, and then asked for reconciliation when he missed her."

    Bai Yutang nodded. He also felt that he was selfish, and foolish. That''s what always stops his fingers from sending those words he wants to say the most to Jian Kang Lu.

    ''Gege, please forgive me.''

    Sometimes, Bai Yutang will dream about Jian Kang Lu. In the morning, he will find his eyes were wet. His hollow heart will back to the previous burning pain, like something inside his heart was throbbing, constricting his throat, clenching his heart.

    In mornings like those, he will wash his face with cold water, and can only blame himself for what happened. How he wished he could go back to the days when Jian Kang Lu came to him.

    Why can''t he listen to Jian Kang Lu''s explanation? Why he was so stupid, and refuse to listen to Jian Kang Lu? Why can''t he realise that Jian Kang Lu truly loved him, and cherish him so much?

    Or he wished to go back on that Christmas eve, and slapped the past himself.

    Why didn''t he confront the man who brought Jian Kang Lu back home that time? Why didn''t he yell at that man, who dared to hug and kissed his drunk lover? Why can''t he bravely step up and claim the man he loved the most?

    But the thing Bai Yutang wants to repeat the most is, when he can''t proudly tell his friends that he was Jian Kang Lu''s lover. If he told them, his lover doesn''t need to get jealous with Feng Mian, and none of this will happen.

    Bai Yutang sighed, and walked to his own dorm. He doesn''t have any class anymore after lunch. He put his backpack down, and slumped his tired body to the bed. He was tired, and lonely. No matter how hard his busy friends tried to cheer him up, he could not feel any joy.

    He can''t taste the food, he can''t enjoy the games, he forces himself to laugh at their jokes, and his sleep quality is awful. He lost 5 kg, and his face sunken with unhealthy paleness. His clothes start to loosen hanging in his thin shoulder, and he doesn''t care about that.

    He even lost the urge to feel happy again. He doesn''t deserve it. Just like Xu Chenjie said, he was just a stupid selfish man.

    There''s the sound of the door unlocked, and then opened. Xu Chenjie also went back from his lunch. It seems he also doesn''t have class this afternoon.

    "You''re back?"

    Bai Yutang saw Xu Chenjie nodded. His face looked miserable. What''s going on with him? But Bai Yutang knew their relationship as roommates is excellent because they rarely talk about anything private.

    Few moments later, after the awkward look from Xu Chenjie''s face who kept stealing glances at Bai Yutang, he finally spoke.

    "Senior, have you heard the rumor about you?"

    Bai Yutang lay still in the bed, he just turned his head to the man who sat on the chair.

    "What rumour?"

    Xu Chenjie seems uneasy. "Your friends didn''t tell you?"

    Bai Yutang was numbed to all feelings lately, so he just shook his head. In normal situations, he should be curious about what Xu Chenjie says to him. But now, he really can''t feel anything.

    Except regret.

    "Mmm.. I just think that you need to know, there''s this rumor, and they even post the picture in the forum. The rumor already circulated for months I guess, even we in the different faculty heard about you."

    Bai Yutang didn''t even change his tone when he asked, "What rumour?"

    Xu Chenjie didn''t answer. He just typed in his mobile phone, and finally sent the link to Bai Yutang''s phone. Bai Yutang took his mobile phone laid beside him, and opened the link.

    In that forum, someone posted a dark picture taken from a far. There''s two shadows, clearly it was two man, kissing each other. Bai Yutang''s posture can be clearly seen from the side, because the lights from the dorm''s lights fell to him. But their faces were blurred from the shadow and were not very clearly seen.

    Bai Yutang''s eyes widened to see that picture. He didn''t even care to see what they wrote in that forum. He just stared at Jian Kang Lu''s shadow.

    Xu Chenjie was a little bit worried when he saw his roommate just smiling looking at the link he sent. He was prepared for the emotional defensive words from his calm and quiet roommate. But why now he looked so.. Happy???

    Bai Yutang wants to laugh. He once imagined what kind of feeling he''ll feel once his relationship with Jian Kang Lu was exposed. He imagined he''ll be angry with those people who throw malicious comments at him. Or maybe he''ll be sad because people don''t want to understand that they are just two normal people who loved each other.

    But now when he was exposed in the forum like this, when people he doesn''t know write so many speculative theories about him, he didn''t feel anything except joy. He was happy to see Jian Kang Lu again, even though the picture is blurry and dark.

    Bai Yutang saved that picture. It was the only picture of Jian Kang Lu that he has now. He will treasure this, and never delete this picture again.