Weapons forged of dwarven steel, glinting no matter how dark the depths were.

Each could handily destroy a portrait, and yet as the nearest hoodlum approached, no joy visited me at the prospect of my least accurate creation being destroyed. 

Or at least not in a way that would make the wonky chin more stable.

Indeed, it was a terrible work of art … but it was still of my father!

A falling boulder could be excused, but to permit an actual weapon to strike his image was beyond unconscionable! Even with mismatched proportions, he still bore an image more regal than even the highest of nobility!

As a princess and a proud daughter, I could not allow any level of disrespect to be hurled against him! Such a precedent was more dangerous than any blade!

That’s why–

“Stop!”

I crossed my arms, shielding the portrait from view … partly from the dwarves as they ceased to advance, but also an armoured construct whose eyes of blue flames were clearly still judging my earliest work.

“Ah!” said the golem, her tone as mercilessly enthusiastic as any receptionist’s. “You’ve already entered the bargaining stage. That’s wonderful. As underthane, I’ve broad authority to negotiate on all matters concerning intruders. Although I should warn you, the chances of success are quite slim.”

“Yes, I agree. Whatever offer you make, it’s unlikely to be enough.”

“… Excuse me?”

I pointed all around me, then wore my finest frown.

“I’ve made myself clear on multiple occasions. No digging holes in my kingdom. It’s already suffered from pirates shovelling away for treasure, badgers digging up orchards and drunkards writing notes in the soil using their faces. This is unacceptable!”

“I understand. Unfortunately, the work of dwarves often involves digging holes. But I do think it’s better than what pirates, badgers or ordinary drunkards can do.”

“The only thing dwarves do better is shamelessness. This is the Kingdom of Tirea. And here, not a single pickaxe may fall without permission. I’m therefore willing to entertain offers of compensation. This means improving upon your current bribe. Considerably.”

I offered an angelic smile, all the while nudging away my father’s portrait with my heel. 

For a moment, silence answered, disturbed only by the clicks of crossbow bolts locking into place.

And then–

“Bwahahahahaahahah!!”

Bellowing laughter echoed within the cavern as every dwarf forgot their place.

It was a guffaw which shook the stone like the flimsy walls of a roadside tavern. Expressions expertly chiselled to be as unwelcome as possible turned to grins so wide they threatened to burst like overflowing kegs. 

I was unimpressed. 

As nameless hoodlums, their role was to quietly look sullen until called upon. And if their supervisor wasn’t chortling, then neither should they. 

“I see,” said the golem, still with the politeness not to add to the ruckus. “I note that you wear a copper ring. I wasn’t aware that the Adventurer’s Guild were in a position to receive compensation on behalf of a kingdom.”

“That’s because they’re not. It’d be safer to trust a dragon with ferrying gold than those hoodlums.”

A note of confusion almost threatened that stony face.

I opted to help. Nobody deserved a headache on the guild’s account.

“… However, I’m not here to assist those scavengers. They can unearth priceless heirlooms they’ve no right to without my help. I’m here as a concerned voice of the kingdom, whose sleep is jeopardised by the ridiculous tremors.”

“Oh, right.” The golem paused. “In that case, I’m also sorry for any inconvenience.”

“It’s not an apology I need. It’s a bribe better than a single item. And since you’ve nothing on hand that’s clearly suitable, allow me to suggest an offer. You.”

“... Me?”

I clapped my hands and smiled.

A golem!

No sleep, no pay and the ability to crush unwanted guests while wearing a thin veneer of customer service! It was wonderful!

“Indeed, I can think of a number of uses for a construct with extensive experience concerning underground spaces. Especially since I’ve an island which will soon be filled with more miners. It’d be a far worthier task than whatever you’ve been given. You may even keep your title. To include you in the ranks of the kingdom’s nobility would see every feather ruffled.”

A stone finger scratching a head met my earnest proposal.

“Goodness. That’s quite a flattering proposal! But I’m actually not looking for alternative employment. Or rather, I’m also unable to. While loyalty is usually a fickle thing, mine is truly as immovable as the stone.” 

Ugh.

Loyalty. It only existed to spite me. 

Either my own kitchen staff were prone to pureeing carrots into my meals under the guise of healthiness or suddenly every doorstop I met was immune to the concept of professional treachery.

“… However, I can mirror your offer,” said the golem enthusiastically.

“Excuse me?”

“If I’m being honest, it’s really the only thing that can prevent a mess I really don’t look forward to cleaning. I can extend an offer of employment similar to what was offered to the Snow Dancer, who I see has escaped her captivity. For you to have reached this area suggests subtlety and guile. These are traits our organisation values highly.”

My mouth widened as I took in her outrageous suggestion.

And then–

“Ohohohohohohoho!! … Indeed, subtlety and guile are the two things I’m most renowned for!”

“Great! In that case, I see no reason why we cannot discuss a reasonable outcome to this.”

“Neither can I. It’ll still involve every dwarf here helping to organise this haul of … things. My employment was decided at birth, and it is to oversee the flourishing state of this kingdom.”

“Really? I’m not certain what the remuneration for that is. But I can promise ours is competitive. We also have fast moving internal progression, extensive travel opportunities and statutory rest breaks.”

I paused.

“... Hm? What was that last one?”

“Statutory rest breaks.” The golem nodded with pride. “Our employer values breaks highly. As a result, a typical day’s work includes five rest periods including at least a 30 minute uninterrupted siesta. This is in addition to mandatory entire time off for birthdays and annual holidays.” 

I covered my mouth in horror.

Statutory rest breaks … multiple times a day?!

Why, it was no wonder there were so many earthquakes! It was from all the times the dwarves abandoned their tools in order to slack! 

H-How awful … !

Here I was, thinking that the taverns of my kingdom were most at risk of whatever this generic criminal organisation was up to, and yet the true danger they posed was to my farmers! 

If they knew working for dwarves would result in sanctioned naps, then all the wheat fields of my kingdom would be overtaken by tumbleweeds within days!

“That is appalling,” I gasped between my fingers. “To think that your goal all along was to subvert the very pillars of this kingdom! … I cannot allow that! Where is this employer of yours?!”

“I don’t actually think subverting any human kingdom is the goal. But while I’m sure the thane could reassure you, I’m afraid he’s also very busy.”

“Well, I should hope so! His grovelling practice must be extensive! Where do I find this chief miscreant? I’ll be delighted to offer him my soles!”

The golem stared in response.

However, far from pointing the way I needed to go, the eyes which had burned with a pale blue flame suddenly turned to a crimson hue instead. 

The din of shuffling and quiet alarm sounded throughout the cavern as dwarves slinked away at once.

“Ah,” said the golem. “That’s a shame. I’d hoped not to involve myself in the sticky end of dealing with intruders, but I’m explicitly required to respond to any perceived threat, insult or offence.”

She paused.

“... To be clear, that means indiscriminate murder.”

I groaned as the construct’s shadow leered closer.

An absolute waste. When anyone displeased me, all I could do was flick my wrist and watch as my knights dragged away a stunned suitor wishing to take my lifestyle away. Meanwhile, the leaders of generic criminal organisations could order a tiny mountain to apologetically pulverise them. 

“Truly? Is there no other step besides immediately murdering me?”

“Yes. But I do feel bad about it.”

“In that case, I suggest you use whatever will you’ve been afforded to preserve yourself. To harm me would mean returning to nature, for know this–it matters little what magic empowers you. While the dwarves around you see fit to flee, my retinue remains steadfast by my side.” 

I waited for my loyal handmaiden to appear beside me.

Or even the Snow Dancer.

Or her ducks. 

Confused, I turned around.

“–2 to 1 odds for the big magic golem!” said Coppelia, as she used a fruit bowl to gather crowns from a crowd of dwarves. “50 to 1 odds for the tiny human girl! Get in your bets now for the empowered dwarven construct against the frail, helpless human!”

“Me! Me! 20 silver crowns on Madam Belinda!”

“Everything on the underthane! I’m all in!”

“Belinda will never lose! You can have my week’s wages!”

“I bet my ducks on the tiny human girl!”

A strange croaking came from my throat as I watched fistfuls of crowns being tossed into the air. 

And also a pair of ducks.

“... V-Very well!” I said, as I returned to the golem. “As you can see, those previously beside me are so confident they’ll even gamble their beloved pets! There is no hope of triumph–either for you or those who would follow in your wake. I suggest you follow the course of wisdom and point where I need to go next while we all pretend this never happened.” 

She nodded.

“2 to 1 odds are very good. But I think it should be better.”

A moment later–

Bwooooomph.

The golem stomped.

Using a foot as wide as a tree trunk, she suddenly smashed the ground with enough force to send fissures sweeping in all directions.

However, it was the approaching fist which drew my gasp of horror.

My father’s wonky chin was behind me, after all.

Indeed!

Even if I evaded such an attack, there was no hope for the portrait behind me! 

My worst work was about to be crushed … and while I could live with that, this meant the last memory any hoodlum would have of him would be his mismatched eyes and oddly shaped ears!

... Fortunately, I was a princess as renowned for my kindness as my much improved painting skills!

I hadn’t dazzled high society and lined every corridor with my sweat for nothing. Every suspect piece of art had a solution. And for a portrait the golem disagreed with so deeply that it would sooner crush than critique it, I would offer the most tried and tested.

Yes … to distract with something better!

I drew Starlight Grace from my side.

“Very well,” I said with a nod. “It seems the dwarves have given you eyes, but not the ability to look away … so peer upon these colours unbound, hastening away the shroud of night. Painting Form, 2nd Stance … [Fleeting Brilliance]!”

I sent my sword forwards, poking the golem directly in her chest.

Her armour failed to be more than dented. 

However, while the steel wasn’t moved, the magic empowering her was a different matter.The rune I struck shone with a flash of violent light.

And then–

I redrew it with a flick, turning the shape of a spiralling glyph into a floral pattern.

The golem’s eyes flashed with shock.

Ohohohohoho!

Here it was!

The unmatched feeling of potential coming to life!

Indeed, no painting was better than that made the stroke before midnight–and what came to my mind as a golem imbued with innumerable lines of magic to reshape was nothing less than my kingdom!  

Improvising upon my makeshift canvas, I smiled as I went to work.

“Ohohohohohohoo!!”

With a sweep of my sword, I poked and dabbed, weaving new truths into the many symbols. 

Allowing my inner muse to take over, I hummed and skipped as I would around a canvas in my private study. From back to front, I fixed, changed and improved the various lines from every angle, ensuring it could be admired no matter where anyone stood.

Until finally–

“Done!”

I held up my sword, but only to help light my latest masterpiece.

Its name–

Bloom Upon Stone.

It …. It was wonderful!

Where sigils of binding had existed before, now there were flowers to represent the beauty of my kingdom. A veritable garden very similar to how my curtains looked.

But there was more as well.

A tiny portrait of my father, now much improved and hidden between a pair of roses.

The golem blinked, her eyes no longer a burning crimson nor a pale blue.

Instead, they were simply white.

A pure colour matching her confusion.

She slowly looked down at the many flowers which now adorned her. She then slowly raised her arms, scrunched her fists, then checked behind her shoulders.

“Oh. I think I’ve been freed.”

“Ohohohohohoho!!” 

I raised a hand to my lips, barely covering my smile. 

Indeed, a golem might be forged of magic … but as stone, it was still a child of nature! 

To see so many flowers blossoming upon herself was no different to a siren hearing the call of the sea! It didn’t matter how many years were spent hidden away! When that first thought of yearning came, not even the sorcery of dwarven runecraft could cage it!

Of course, the golem wasn’t the only one to admire my sense for asymmetrical balance.

“Woooooooooooooooooo!!”

Somewhere nearby, a clockwork doll and an elven woman were wildly cheering as they drowned themselves in a shower of crowns that I’d shortly be taking a modest 110% commission of.

I chose to ignore the hiccups of laughter.

“How odd,” said the golem, continuing to shake her limbs. “I have no more compulsion to do anything. I don’t quite know how to feel about that.”

I offered my warmest smile.

“Relief is the answer. Cherish the emotion. It is one as beautiful as the patterns which now adorn you.”

“They’re very nice, yes. I see flowers. And also what looks like a tiny face.”

“That tiny face is of the King of Tirea.”

The golem looked at the portrait behind me.

“Really? Wow. I never would have guessed.”

My smile remained perfectly fixed.

“Indeed, you found yourself blinded before. But you needn’t feel lost amidst the light which now lifts the darkness away from your eyes, either. If you desire something to do, I can offer it.”

I received a blink in response. 

A reaction shared by several of the dwarves who were slowly creeping away.

“... Did you want help with gathering everything into a pile?”

I clapped my hands together and smiled.

“Please start with the silverware.”