The world has turned into Hell's Game, why should I stay human?
Chapter 107 The Value of Lucky Zero
CHAPTER 107: CHAPTER 107 THE VALUE OF LUCKY ZERO
Liu Zheng, with tears, finished a large portion of sewer braised food.
Then, one of his legs grew a large lump that was red and swollen.
This was a trivial matter, a cut and it was done.
The key issue was that it tasted awful.
He couldn’t tell the difference between eating this and eating shit.
No, eating shit would still taste better, for shit at least didn’t have that flavor of industrial pollutants settled in it.
"I suspect you gave me a fake Joker Card."
Liu Zheng said after rinsing his mouth vigorously.
"Bullshit, when have I, Niu Ma, ever sold a fake?"
"Dai Legao said you once sold him fake liquor."
"That was then, this is now. Just be content, if it weren’t for the Joker Card pulling you through, you’d be dead by now."
Niu Ma gave him a sidelong glance.
"Was that last delivery really tough?"
Liu Zheng read between the lines.
"Heh, a delivery in the Old City District, what do you think?"
"You didn’t run into the Harmony Sect again, did you?"
"No, but I bumped into a group of cyborgs holding an impart, nearly got twenty-something holes punched in me, and nearly had more than a dozen horsewhips installed."
Niu Ma looked up at the sky.
"Ugh!"
The mere thought of that scene made him nauseate in waves.
"Just hearing about it makes me sick, I damn well saw it with my own eyes. Shit, now I can’t even get it up for the black market hookers."
Niu Ma’s face was the epitome of despair.
"Tough times, tough times. How about a massage to relax?"
"You don’t even have hands anymore, how can you massage?"
Niu Ma squinted at him skeptically.
"I can’t grab, but I can push. And there are many techniques for massages, surely there’s one that suits tentacles."
Liu Zheng replied.
"Alright then, let’s give it a try."
Niu Ma lay down on a pile of grass.
He stood next to Niu Ma, still recalling the massage techniques he had learned.
Generally, there are four major categories of massage: gripping, rubbing, shaking, and moving the joints.
These are further divided into methods like pressing, pushing, pointing, grasping, flat pushing, rubbing, slapping, shaking, and so on, totaling over a hundred varieties.
The master Liu Zheng studied under really knew his stuff, almost all of the subdivisions he was familiar with.
He only learned it as a hobby, so he didn’t learn them all, but he had grasped some of each of the four major categories.
Considering his current condition and Niu Ma’s size, Liu Zheng decided to focus on shaking the limbs and moving the joints.
He took a deep breath, raised his four tentacles high, like four spatulas.
And Niu Ma’s body, marbled with fat, was today’s ingredient.
"Whack whack whack whack whack!"
The slapping sounds came in quick succession, almost forming a continuous string.
Niu Ma’s expression gradually shifted from discomfort to pleasure.
Feeling the storm-like percussion, Liu Zheng was full of self-satisfaction.
With this skill, he wouldn’t have to worry about going hungry in this bizarre world.
If City Hall had him apply to a massage parlor, by now he could have been the chief masseur.
With a little more time, even becoming the manager was possible.
He already had the name for the shop in mind, "Liu’s Authentic Massages and Orthopedics, medical insurance accepted."
As he fantasized, he lifted Niu Ma’s foreleg.
Niu Ma’s leg muscles were quite stiff from regularly running to make deliveries, so Liu Zheng planned to use a combination of shaking and slapping to help him relax.
Then, he was kicked against the wall.
"Pfft!"
Liu Zheng spat out a mouthful of blood, and a few of his ribs broke.
"Boss, what are you doing?"
He spoke with difficulty.
"Huh? How did you end up on the wall?"
Niu Ma opened his eyes wide, looking confused.
"I was kicked by you."
Liu Zheng said speechlessly.
"Crazy, why would I kick you for no reason?"
Niu Ma was even more speechless.
"Then it must have been a reflex. Control it this time."
He recovered a bit and again approached Niu Ma.
Then, he was kicked flying once more.
"You still say it wasn’t on purpose!"
Liu Zheng was furious.
"Really, it wasn’t my fault. If I had done it intentionally, you’d be a goner."
Niu Ma said innocently.
"Forget it, I’ll switch to another technique."
He sighed.
As it turned out, switching techniques didn’t make it much safer.
After the massage session, he got beaten up by Niu Ma a good dozen times.
Fortunately, his flesh wasn’t too damaged, so he didn’t need to consume dried fish to replenish.
"Refreshing!"
Niu Ma let out a contented shout and sprawled out into the shape of a big "X".
"You’re having a blast, but I’m suffering big time."
Liu Zheng sat on the ground, his face a portrait of despair.
Getting a massage while being a punching bag, now that’s some real human misery.
"You’re not gonna die from it, stop whining. Here, here, if it makes you happy, I’ll delay my trip to Heaven Island for a couple of days, okay?"
Niu Ma said impatiently.
"That’s what I’m talking about."
Now he was happy.
But since when was Niu Ma so easygoing?
Liu Zheng didn’t believe for a second that it was postponing its vacation out of guilt.
"You’re not postponing it because a cyborg gave you ED, are you?" he suddenly wondered.
"Hmph."
Niu Ma turned over, ignoring him.
Obviously, Liu Zheng had hit the nail on the head.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk."
He didn’t even want to imagine how intense the cyborg’s impart must have been to wear out an old fox like Niu Ma.
Maybe his run of bad luck had run its course, or maybe the Lucky Joker Card was starting to kick in, but no more mischief cropped up after that.
Three orders came through midway, and Niu Ma kept its promise to deliver them itself.
Yet every time, it encountered some kind of problem.
The third time, it ran straight into a gang shootout, and its recently healed horn got nicked by a stray bullet.
"Kid, what’s your name again?"
Niu Ma, caressing its broken horn, spoke in a sinister tone.
"Liu Zheng."
"Liu Zheng, I curse your great uncle!"
Niu Ma cursed in frustration.
Liu Zheng’s never-before-met great uncle was cursed once more.
Wait, why did he think ’once more’?
"You little brat must have passed your bad luck on to me, compensate me, or next time you’re on your own."
Niu Ma was relentless.
"Alright, alright."
He handed over a few banknotes, resigned.
Although he felt like Niu Ma was just making excuses to get money, he decided to consider it as paying to ward off disaster.
So the evening passed without incident until nine o’clock, when, unexpectedly, something unexpected happened.
Ghost Hand crawled in, laying down two orders.
"Sigh."
Liu Zheng sighed, picking up the delivery order.
"Meal: A portion of giant red whale sashimi"
"Address: Academic Residence, Building 1, Unit 2, Room 303."
"Time Limit: 20 minutes."
"Meal: A portion of squirrel mandarin fish"
"Address: Emperor’s Garden, Number 1."
"Customer: Peacock."
"Time Limit: One hour."
"This doesn’t look good."
Liu Zheng frowned slightly.
One time limit was too short, and just by looking at the address, he knew the other place was bad news.
He checked the map and saw that Academic Residence was roughly a 25-minute drive from the restaurant; there was no way he could make it.
Emperor’s Garden was a bit closer, around a 40-minute drive, which was just doable.
"Boss, so you’re heading to Academic Residence?"
Liu Zheng asked.
"Why don’t you go instead? The waters are too deep at Emperor’s Garden, you can’t handle it."
Niu Ma shook its head.
"But I can’t make it to Academic Residence in time."
"Then rent a car, you’re not broke."
Niu Ma asserted.
"Oh, right, I completely forgot I could do that. How do I rent one?"
Liu Zheng asked.
"Just make a call. What car do you want?"
As Niu Ma asked, it took out its phone.
"Get me a Malibu XL535."
In reality, he drove this exact model; its top speed of 220 kilometers per hour should suffice.
"Okay, it’s arranged."
Niu Ma hung up the phone.
"Then I better hurry."
Liu Zheng shouldered the delivery box and was about to leave when his pant leg got tugged.
Looking down, he found that Ghost Hand hadn’t left yet.
Ghost Hand gestured for him to crouch down then bit a coin-sized wound on its tentacle.
Liu Zheng didn’t know what it was doing but didn’t move either.
Then Ghost Hand climbed onto the wound and shook vigorously, a few drops of golden magma falling into the wound.