CHAPTER 404: YOUR WORDS IN MY HEAD, KNIVES IN MY HEART

[TAMIKO]

The chaos unfolded in the kind of way that Tamiko hadn’t expected. It hurt to hear Kosta talk like that, and his anger was growing at Kosta. He detested that even to this moment, his Erasthai was still holding onto the dead soul that he had triggered.

This was not what he had wanted, but the choice for Tamiko had long been lost between the pages of what life had once been.

And it upset him, because at the end of the day, there was only ever going to be so much for him to think of and deal with. But the rage that came with hearing Kosta talk about Sanji and him had him in a tight spot.

"If you loved him so much, then why the fuck didn’t you follow him then!!" Tamiko burst out in anger.

He was sick of fighting with Kosta. This was not what he wanted for the man he cared about.

The footsteps that were heading towards his current chamber made Tamiko want to disappear. He knew he would once again be the subject of the madness in Kawai. He would once again be the prince that everyone walked on eggshells around.

Tamiko may have been the prince, but he was the most dangerous of all the Lycans alive at this moment. Everything depended on what his mood was at the moment, and it didn’t seem so good even for Kosta.

His words, though...

Fuck, Tamiko’s words were like a stab to the Lycan Chief’s heart. It was ruining everything because now there was not much to be considered. Just broken hearts trying to mend themselves.

Yet, even after so much trying, the hurt still lingered.

The pain still stayed, and like an angel, Kosta’s eyes let out the saddest of tears, the kind that had Tamiko feeling like shit, but not more than what he had heard from the lips he had kissed just previously.

Everything was fucked up.

There was no taking anything back, right?

"I was going to!! You fucking interrupted, remember?!" Kosta growled.

Tamiko didn’t still this time.

Hell, he didn’t even seem surprised. It was like a part of him had always expected this, that he would always be the second choice. That he would never be the one that Kosta wanted to be with just because.

At that moment, Tamiko wondered if this was the kind of fate that was destined for him. The universe was cruel. So damn cruel, and right in the middle of it was a little Lycan who was not sure where the lead would lead him anymore.

Funny how he was growing older and his heart was still getting shattered like the first time he had met Kosta.

Gods, it was infuriating to think straight right now.

"Of course, you would choose him. I can’t even blame you for wanting to follow him through. What did I ever give you other than suffering? I left, and you had no one. Sanji was there, the perfect guy.

"You chose a traitor over me, and I can’t even feel terrible about that because for ten years I watched you bloom with him. You know, maybe I am your greatest burden. I’ll leave, so you can do whatever the fuck you want.

"You want to follow Sanjiro, you do it. You want to go back to Yilena, you do it. Whatever choice you make, don’t think of me. It wouldn’t be the first time you left anyway," Tamiko spat out in rage.

Kosta stared at the prince in renewed silence.

He knew they were just trying to hurt each other, but this was harsh. Way too harsh. No one had ever told him that it would hurt like this, and now all he had left was an emptiness that no one and nothing would ever be able to fill.

Tamiko was it for him, yet right now, he was so angry that he wanted to cry out and kill things. But what the hell was he supposed to do when his punching bag was dead on both fronts? How was he to get out of this when it was all just crazy then?

"Then leave. No one is holding you here. If you want to leave, you leave. I am not going to spend my night crying over you again; I won’t be breaking my heart again, wondering what could have happened to both of us if I had never taken you home.

"I wanted us to be happy, and you stole that from me. For us. You’re the crown prince, aren’t you? Order me out, Tamiko. Do it, I dare you," Kosta insisted as Tamiko stared at the Lycan Chief.

In those eyes, Tamiko saw the Kosta that always smiled at him, the man who had saved him. The man who had loved him when he didn’t have anything to hold onto. The man who had chosen not to come home because he had thought home was too much for Tamiko.

The man who chose to protect Tamiko over presenting him to Kawai like he was a toy on the aces of power in the Lycan kingdom. He saw the barbarian who had chosen him over and over, regardless of what people said.

Tamiko didn’t see the Lycan Chief, who had chosen to give up because of him. Instead, he saw the man who had threatened Grealor with just his name and the one who had made sure the realm knew not to fuck with Tamiko.

Because Igor Kostantin was not to be played with. And what Igor Konstantin chose was never to be touched.

That was who Tamiko saw.

Igor Konstantin.

He saw his Kosta.

The man who was powerful to the point that the mad king had trusted him to run the craziest kingdom alongside an unstable Lycan Lord who hid his insanity beneath his lingering smiles.

So instead of saying anything, he just walked over to Kosta.

He wasn’t sure when their positions had changed, and when Kosta had stood at the farthest end of the room, knuckles bleeding because he had gotten sick of the situation and punched the damn wall.

But now that he saw the man, Tamiko’s heart bled for his beloved Erasthai.

"I... Kosta... I don’t want to fight, krushka. I hate it when we fight," Tamiko sighed softly as he stepped back to sit on the bed. He knew his Erasthai wasn’t in the mood to talk to him.

If he was being frank, this wasn’t how he had wanted to wake up to Kosta.

Sure, he was angry that Kosta hadn’t tried to fight back the urge to give up, but he understood, and that was what hurt the most because once upon a time, long before he was the crown prince of Kawai, Tamiko was a boy neglected emotionally.

He had suffered the brunt of it all for twenty-five years. He had not known that he would force his Erasthai through that shit for ten long years. He was not right, and he hated himself for that.

He was hopelessly waiting to fix it, only because he had not had the time for it.

Now, they were on different sides again.

And that hurt.

Because this wasn’t who they were.

This person wasn’t who Tamiko had wanted to be, and he hated himself for the past and the present. For not being strong enough.

For not choosing Kosta rightly.

For not doing the right thing, and now all he had for that was another apology that would probably never fix anything.

But what was he supposed to say to that?

What was he to do to make things right?

"Then leave. If it’s suffocating and hard. It’s what you are good at, right? Always leaving. Always the one with his back facing everyone. Always the one who doesn’t have to deal with the tough choices. You say you love me, then do everything in your power to hurt me.

"I don’t even know what you want from me at this point. Who am I to you, Tamiko? Who do you see me as? Am I just a tool that you won’t let go because you care too much about what Kawai will think of you?

"Am I just the object of your desires, the one you can fuck in one moment and then dump in the next because my guardian said you were not good enough for me? The realm’s unhinged barbarian that you managed to tame? Is that what this is?

"Always the one with an excuse about why we can’t be together, but never brave enough to stand his ground? Is this what I’m to suffer through for ages, now that you marked me a second time and made my bond with you forever irrevocable?

"Is that what you want with me? An antique to keep you busy while you walk around like the prince you are? What am I to you?" Kosta asked tiredly. He was not doing this again, and he was making sure Tamiko knew that.

Perhaps he was truly done trying to mend fences when he couldn’t even breathe right. Everything was just suffocating, and there was nothing that he could do to change it or make it any better.

It was all on Tamiko, and from the look of it all, the crown prince wasn’t ready to give a shit about Kosta just yet.

Maybe this was really their bruised end, wasn’t it?

Or was this the part of their lives where they had to try and act civilized only for them to kill each other?

"I love you, Kosta. You’re all I ever wanted... and I’m sorry if I made you feel otherwise," Tamiko said in earnest defeat.