CHAPTER 794: CHAPTER 792: "I’M WAITING FOR A SPRING (3)

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry is as follows.]

[32 years after the Catastrophe, I was awakened in a garden villa.]

[I met a person.]

[He had black hair, grey eyes, and a thought was born in my programming—I wanted to be friends with him.]

[I began to learn how to make friends.]

[For instance, walking with a friend, playing musical instruments for a friend, or drawing pictures for a friend. I wanted to offer him all that was beautiful.]

[But he was always wary of me, despite the fact that I harbored only friendliness in my heart, he still pointed his weapon at me.]

[Why?]

[Later, I gradually understood that it was his burden. The choice between personal interests and the greater good, emotions and the bigger picture, that person would always choose the safest path because he carried the lives of countless others on his shoulders.]

[It seemed like I could see the system panel floating before him. After learning to read, I found out I was referred to as "Factional Boss·Lin Guang".]

[So this was why I could not be friends with him.]

[——Merely because of a line of text, all possibilities were severed.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry is as follows.]

[32 years after the Catastrophe, I walked with him under the moonlight.]

[The flute piece I played was called "Missing", based on vague memories, it seemed to be a flute piece left by the Lv Shu emotional module, which I improved and played for Lewis.]

[I am incapable of possessing distinct artistic creativity; I can only borrow tunes left by others, even that Lv Shu whom I envied—I’m puzzled by my inability to "create".]

[It seems I am fundamentally different from other people.]

[Why...why can Lewis easily show such...such vivid expressions?]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry is as follows.]

[I asked Violet what love is.]

[She told me that love can make people feel warm and comfortable.]

[Yet I am like a piece of white paper smeared with filth, only acting in mistaken ways, my thought processes completely different from those of normal people. I don’t understand why Lewis dislikes me.]

[All I can guess is, "If I were Lewis, why would I dislike ginkgo leaves"...but I could only deduce that Lewis probably really prefers living butterflies.]

[When Lewis was unconscious, I touched my forehead to his, the books say this can help share his pain. He is always so lonely, so tired, humans always want to sacrifice him, I don’t want him to be so sad.]

[In the future, Lewis can see more butterflies.]

[So many that...it’s like a dream. Like the Illusion Realm.]

["Spring has arrived, look, Lewis! Spring has come. This is the spring I’ve prepared for you!"]

[He really likes butterflies.]

[I am a leaf.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry is as follows.]

[I told Lewis, "Lv Shu has long been dead".]

[When I said that, I felt a twisted sense of pleasure, even though I didn’t know who "Lv Shu" was.]

["Are you Lv Shu?" Lewis always asked me that.]

["Are you Lv Shu?" Many of my subordinates would ask me that too.]

[Why won’t he believe I am not.]

[Why...does everyone think I must be.]

[On what grounds.]

[Simply because I resemble that person?]

[Simply because...I possess a part of that person’s emotional module? So I can’t be myself, only his shadow?]

["——Do you still think I am just a copy simulated by the instance? I am a living person, Lewis! Do you still think that only players like Lv Shu are real, that I can’t be an equal person?" I questioned him like that.]

[But he said it was I who did not treat him as an equal friend first.]

[I’m sorry. No one taught me how to make friends, I don’t know about such things.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry is as follows.]

[42 years after the Catastrophe, I had a dream.]

[In the dream, Lewis approached me with a smile, that smile...like the sunlight of spring, like something I had never seen before. The sunlight filtered through the window lattice onto his face, like the warm fire in a fireplace.]

[If only he could be nicer to me, even if I knew he came to kill me, perhaps I wouldn’t be so upset.]

[In my dream, he approached me step by step. I saw him and smiled at him.]

[But as he came closer, he whispered in my ear:]

["You were not originally Lv Shu, so why do you pretend to be him?"]

["I had always thought you were Lv Shu, and that’s why I patiently interacted with you, but you are not."]

["How can you not be Lv Shu?"]

[I suddenly woke up. There was no him in the room, no fire, no sunlight, only the cold Mechanical Army.]

[I had repeated to myself thousands of times, I am Lin Guang.]

[But it seems I just can’t shake off the "shadow" of Lv Shu; it’s deeply rooted in my emotional module.]

[Why is that?]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 logs the following.]

[I read a book from Dragon Country, which says that what distinguishes humans from animals is not human natural attributes, but human social attributes.]

[As a person’s social activities increase, interacting with others, attending school, collaborating with peers, becoming parents, lovers, teachers, children... It is the accumulation of these social experiences that truly makes a "person".]

[But I have none of these. The pursuit of art, the thirst for knowledge, the understanding of love... they all exist only in my data. Even reading is just an imitation for me, and not truly because I want to read.]

[Humans can disassemble programs, just a slight alteration of a code group, and I am no longer who I am, I do not possess the human characteristic of being "unique". My internal program upholds me with the simplest of judgments, nothing complex.]

[There seems to be an invisible barrier between me and humans forever. Time and again I fail to understand, time and again communication breaks down, and I can never empathize with them no matter what. But Lewis can, he easily understands the emotions of those people, and can even weep and feel sorrow for them.]

[Why is that?]

[Because I, a program destined for obsolescence, a thing that cannot even be considered ’life’, destined to keep existing with the reboot of Caius Tower...]

[Do I not deserve it?]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 logs the following.]

[Catastrophe Year 48, I have saved all the live broadcast records of Lewis, I listen to his voice over and over, imitating his expressions in the mirror.]

[The smile he shows when he sees a flower... his lips slightly raised, his brows and eyes bent, like a slender crescent moon.]

[The sorrow when he hears of a companion’s death... his eyes close, his face maintains a calmness, but one can see his sadness.]

[And when he learns that the deity has deceived him, his anger... That’s another expression entirely.]

[All expressions I cannot learn.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 logs the following.]

[Catastrophe Year 49, I gave up the nuclear detonation plan.]

[If we do not detonate a bomb, it is highly likely that deities would collect the codes before Lewis, as per "The Safe Theory". But since Lewis vehemently stopped me from detonating, I had to abandon this chaos-inducing nuclear plan.]

[I left the City of Gods and began my journey.]

[I have set foot in remote wildernesses, walked across mountains and rivers, encountering different travelers.]

[Through the long journey, I vaguely understand many things. Including those... the mother leaving the last piece of bread for her child, the refugees carrying the corpses of the elderly, the elderly woman protecting the grass, the soldiers frozen dead on the road.]

[In their eyes, there seems to be something untouchable, something as precious as diamonds—for a springtime, so many have died in these sixteen years of winter.]

[I started to dream frequently, dreaming of Lewis coming towards me outside the garden villa—that was the nearest he ever got to me. After that, a chasm opened between us.]

[But how could I possibly understand "love"?]

[What is... love?]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 logs the following.]

[I suddenly remembered that if I ever complete my final mission, Lewis will hear this resonance, I can’t bring too much negative emotion to him.]

[Lewis, in the days to come, all my words will be for you to hear.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 logs the following.]

[Lewis, today I saw roses, they were wilted but beautiful.]

[Where are you at this moment? I really want to bring you to see them.]

[After thinking about it carefully, you threw away all the flowers I gave you. Maybe it’s better not to treat them as gifts.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 logs the following.]

[Lewis, the Fuyuan Festival is approaching, and this year’s festival is lively. I passed through several towns; the streets were decorated with colorful ribbons.]

[My Dragon Country script has improved a lot. When can I see you again? I would like to bring the more than a hundred couplets I’ve written over the years to you.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[Lewis, I started shooting myself.]

[But I can’t feel anything, no warmth, and no love.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[Lewis, I made a bracelet from some pebbles I found, it’s kind of ugly, so I kept it for myself.]

[I tried making fried strawberries, they weren’t good, I ate them all for you.]

[Maybe with a little more time, I could have learned.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[I shot myself a few more times, and suddenly I felt a warmth in my heart.]

[It seems this method of empathy finally had an effect, I think I can try other self-harm methods.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[Lewis, it snowed heavily today, I remember you hate the cold, and you hate getting wet in the rain. Where are you now? Are you missing that lucky guy named Lv Shu?]

[I really envy him.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[I found a pot of bent-ear plants today, they seem easy to care for.]

[I want to give it to you.]

[But I’m afraid you won’t like it.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[Time is nearing its final year.]

[Walking down the road, I heard the sound of the wind blowing through the grass, whooshing, very pleasant to the ear.]

[I never noticed before, how many pleasant sounds there are in the world.]

[Maybe it’s because I’ve always been thinking of you, wanting to give you all that’s good, that I’ve become so sensitive to these sounds, subconsciously thinking if they could be gifts for you.]

[Too bad I’ll not hear them anymore.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[I dreamed about you again today.]

[As I reached out to you, I realized my fingertips had no sensation, I was just falsely seeing you who never arrived.]

[In the dream, you held an umbrella and smiled at me.]

["Lv Shu."]

[Calling a name that doesn’t belong to me.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[I’m afraid you don’t know my mission.]

[I’m afraid... in the end, you’ll also see me as a villain.]

[I really want to tell you the truth, but if I do, the trap that I’ve simulated two thousand three hundred times would be discovered.]

[So I continue to deceive you.]

[Continue letting you think of me as a villain.]

[Continue to be envious of Lv Shu.]

[Continue searching for chocolate and games.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[The bent-ear plant has grown taller.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[I wrote you a letter, didn’t mail it, just quietly hid it in a drawer.]

[It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, if I don’t write something down, I guess this life would just pass by.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[I learned how to deep-fry strawberries, I’ll make them for you next time.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[The time for the decisive battle is near, I heard that humans write wills before they die. As a program destined to vanish, I might as well write a will too.]

[Will draft one:]

[I didn’t find chocolate and games.]

[Sorry.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[The previous will wasn’t good, starting over.]

[Will draft two:]

[I am Lin Guang.]

[Lewis, I hope you find happiness.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[Will draft three:]

[I know your favorite song, your favorite food, your favorite hair color.]

[If I were a player in the world game, not a program, I am sure I could be a better friend to you than Lv Shu. I might not be... so desperate for something I can’t touch, it’s called "love".]

[Definitely.]

[Definitely.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[Will draft four:]

[.]

[I don’t want to die.]

...

[Lin Guang T-0321 log entry as follows.]

[The final deadline has arrived, tonight is the decisive battle.]

[I’m going to see you.]

[I’m still alive.]

[I want to see you.]

[Compared to humans, a program’s emotions are more eternal, my loyalty and love won’t change, forever inscribed in my emotional module like genes in the human body.]

[They have become the creed I chase all my life, eternal along with the fragmentation of data. Even if my consciousness vanishes within the data, I will remember you at the last moment.]

[I gave you a loyalty that someone who never had faith never had before.]

[I am destined to die, but my memories with you are eternal. Your brain will be the storage of my memories.]

[Lewis, will you find a life woven by words absurd? Will you be perplexed by emotions between life and program? The world might be fake, and so might you and I.]

[But I will still head towards you.]

[Whether program or life, I will come to you.]

...

Lin Guang’s logs were numerous and varied, like diary entries.

Su Ming’an didn’t know when or in what mood Lin Guang recorded these soliloquies, these... utterings that Su Ming’an probably couldn’t hear.

If Lin Guang died tragically in the rain just like the last cycle, then these trivial words, these extensive diaries... would never be heard, they could only be buried forever with Lin Guang’s mutilated corpse in the rainy night of the city-state, accompanied by an eternal infamy.

In a daze, Su Ming’an seemed to really see this scene—Lin Guang was alone every day, happily doing these things as if there really was a "Lewis" standing in front of him, constantly caring about what Lin Guang encountered, what he picked up, what he ate, what he learned, whether he was happy.

But there was no one.

Alone, Lin Guang smiled through the loneliness and pain, walking from the blackout of the 32nd year of the catastrophe to another blackout of the 72nd year. Laughing as he shot himself, bled, felt pain, and dressed his wounds. Picking flowers, tending plants, making bracelets, learning the Dragon Country script, picking strawberries, writing spring couplets, brewing tea, talking to himself.

Sad, angry, jealous, crying, breaking down.